Don't stay long! The only thing that I can't tolerate at my mother's is her fridge. I must clean it out while I'm there, it's a matter of safety.

I was told how much of a "tail" of toilet paper I needed to leave hanging on the roll. I wish I could say I was joking.

Booze. Just kidding! Kind of.

Bringing a "hostess" gift of some sort always sets a nice tone. It sometimes gets overlooked for parents because kids think that their presence is the gift.

Alone time. They are probably just as annoyed by some of your actions/habits as you are by theirs. If you are staying for a while, plan a day trip/hours-long-errand and let them know in advance. They'll appreciate the downtime.

Its okay - cheer up! ....they are our parents and someday we all maybe parents as well and grow old......
How many of us like when parents come to our house and try to change things???

"Don't stay long!"

Agreed - Get your life together so that you can move out again.

However if it's the other way around - where the parent needs to move in with you due to their age, health, etc - cut them a little slack and be thankful that you still have them and are able to take care of them in return for all they've done for you in the past.

ugh! i hate visiting my mother, because every time she misplaces her cable remote and the night ends with a full house search for it.

I have the opposite problem. I do not know how to tell my Mom that long extended stays do not work. She comes too often and stays too long. She was here for 21 days at Christmas and now wants to come in March for two weeks. I managed to scale it back to a week, but how do you tell your parents they cannot come that often or cannot stay long?

"how do you tell your parents they cannot come that often or cannot stay long?"

You don't - You welcome your Mother with open arms.

She didn't exactly get a choice all those years when you were a kid living in her house and she wanted to be alone for a week or two - The least you can do is be gracious and spend time with her while you still can.

the parents must steel themselves
for the offsprings visit also
it can be very disruptive
for the son/daughter
to fly back into "the nest"
we may love you
but
we don't want you around 24/7

What a nice idea that a child would bring a bottle of wine or a bunch of flowers or a tray of cookies once in a while -- along with themselves, their friends, significant others, appetites and laundry.

I've found that for my own sanity I had to stop asking them to put their stuff away. So now, instead of nagging I just pick up the offending item (dirty flip-flops, jug of whatever fasting juice is currently in vogue, gadget chargers, etc.) and put it in the garage. Works like magic -- and I keep my blood pressure in check.

I used to try to tackle a "project" or two when I visited my folks, but after a while, I gave up. My parents have lovely front and side yards with flower beds, herb gardens, etc., and a backyard that looks like a hillbilly paradise. Broken plastic lawn chairs, a giant woodpile, a migrating compost pile (is building a bin that hard?), and a rusty metal shed that looks like it might contain both barrels of industrial waste and possibly dead bodies. I offered to paint it once with the leftover paint in the basement and they told me it "wasn't a priority." What is? Having old paint cans rusting through in the basement? Who knows. I think they have grand dreams that never quite come to fruition. :) It's a good thing I love them so much.

I am lucky enough that my sister lives only a few hours from my mom, so when I visit, I stay with my sister and this keeps all sanity between me and my mom.... but mostly me

Before my last family visit, I decided that no matter what, I wouldn't get mad. It took some self-control, but I let everything go, and it was actually a nice visit.

It's not like my parents are going to change their stripes at this point, so I would rather just focus on what I love about them and try to ignore the rest.

I am lucky that my mother and I have similar tastes when it comes to home decoration ideas. Whenever I go over, and decide to change things, I'd talk to her first and convince her that the new way would work better. She usually agrees with me. Now, the nagging thing would be for a complete different website though.. For things that we really don't see eye to eye, I just have to remind myself that I am not the one who's living in there..

Wow. I hate to sound all cheesy, but this whole subject matter kind of scares me.
I must be lucky, because I love my mom, miss my dad (who passed), and neither of them ever drove me crazy.
My mom still doesn't. When visiting her, she shares her pajamas, her advice and her cooking, and I share cleanup and hugs. It works.

I can only hope that after my kids move out they've got a little more respect for me and a little more love for our visits that they never need to worry about murdering me with an axe... eesh. If that's the case you might want to work on your relationship a little.

Meh...they're your parents....what are you going to do? You love them while you have them. I call my mom for recipes or cooking advice or just to say hi. I can't stand to think of the day when either of them won't be there to call for anything. I just surrender to the situation when I'm at their home and turn it all over to them. I'll always be their little boy.

You can't change who they are, however, a number of years ago I suggested that they get the internet and a new iMac and start using e-mail. My father said, "why do we need that?" I used a scenario involving me having a great idea at 2 a.m. that I would want to share with them and I could e-mail them instead of calling and waking them up. My dad said, "whatever...call us anytime we love talking to you". So for the next month I would set my alarm for odd very late or very early hours and call to share some brilliant idea or just to talk. Within those 30 days they had a new iMac and the internet.

And if you are reading this Mamala and Paja - I love you and will be home the first weekend in March. Flannel sheets please! :)

aww, dustin - you made my heart smile <3

Try shifting your schedule. The easiest time I had living with my parents was during a semester off from college -- I worked a second shift job (4pm to midnight), and only saw my dad on weekends. Back then, my dad and I butted heads a lot, so this was the perfect solution -- we didn't get on each other's nerves, we'd appreciate seeing each other on the weekends, and I could stay up late during the week and sleep in without any static.

Cute, Dustin! I kind of love you harassing your dad into the 21st century.

I love my folks and we get on well. Can the unsolicited advice and conservative rants drive me a little nuts? Sure. But they're entitled to their perspectives and opinions; and they don't need me to tell them how to conduct their affairs. Of course I'm free to voice my opinion if I'm so inclined, but I'm the one with the problem if I get mad that they won't change their minds or take my advice. They've certainly done right by me--they love me as I am and I love them as they are.

Speaking from the view point of the parent: love and respect each other, have a good sense of humor. As I told my daughter-in-law, it's hard not to give advice. You just have to let it go in one ear and out the other and we will both be happy.

i can only handle two days with my mom max. After that, I'm running for my car at 3am to get away without hearing her mouth.

I only stay with sane and respectful family members or with my friends, and if no one of either description is available or can accommodate a guest without major inconvenience, I stay in a hotel.

Anyway, generally being a good guest will not only make you a welcome one, but will make your parents proud so don't 1) act like you're staying in a hotel free of charge or conversely 2) "help them" with things they don't want help with, or 3) overstay, even if they say "of course you're not overstaying your welcome".

I live in another state and see my mother once a year for a few hours. I never stay at her home. I will sleep on a friend's floor, at a campground, or at the cheapest hostel I can find if I'm hurting for $$. I would have to be out of job, out of money, out of food, out of friends, and out of roof to stay with my mom. Love her. Can't share space with her.

@bepsf, have you ever had family staying with you for more than a few days? I would CRY if my folks were showing up for more than a weekend and I love them and talk to them every day.

@JillofallTrades, I'm pretty sure Miss Manners has addressed this topic, or one very similar and the answer was something like this: have a conversation when a visit is NOT coming up and say "Mom, we love you but we're very busy and we feel like we can't be good hosts when you're here for so long. We don't have much vacation time but we'd love to take [a week, a couple of days, whatever you can spare] off to be proper hosts once in a while but otherwise we just can't host." And then you have to stick to your guns.

You have the right to not be hosting your mom every other month. My mom would agree entirely.

Ha- This post reminds me never to take my own family for granted- my mom goes crazy trying to accommodate me whenever I come home (tries to buy the right groceries, picks up "beer" to keep in the house, moves her car out of the garage so I can park there) and while I tell her I GREATLY appreciate it when she tries that, I just end up leaving mine on the street, and moving her car back to the garage, packing the fridge with even more shopping (I do all of the cooking when I'm at home :3 ) and replacing the "Mike's hard lemonade" (which I think I last enjoyed when I was 16!) with Hoegaarden.
And not only do I rearrange her furniture half the times I've come home- last year I repainted her kitchen and the year prior I redid her floors!
I can never tell if she's secretly grateful or terrified every time she asks "What do you want to do today?" and I reply with and evil grin and "Why don't we see what kind of trouble we can get into at Home Depot?"

Aww...well, I do live with my mom (double-full-time student) and honestly? Now that we're both super-busy I kind of miss her being around. My only complaint in living with her is that she's majorly into feng shui, so every time I put up anything decorative I have to clear the meaning/elements/color with her first. Her career bagua (sp?) has been the biggest challenge. I have stuff to put there, sure - but none of it is 'career-friendly' apparently. At least she lets me organize my room the way I want it, head of the bed under a window and all. :P

Bepsf - if you choose to be a mother it is a life long position.

Tiamat_the_Red

Thank you so much for your comment to my post. That is just what I needed to hear. I want to be a good host and am so happy I have a home that can accommodate guests, but just like anyone I get worn out. Now that I have my own children (which I cannot take a break from "bepsf") and family they are my main focus so it is hard to cater to retired parents that can pick up and stay whenever.

I love my mother, she is a fabulous grandmother, but it is kinda her way at my house and her house, which is hard to accommodate for long periods. I can accommodate and do anything for a week though. :)

Abby, I remember your mom's house:

http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/la/house-tours/la-house-tour-abbys-moms-home-052059

She has to be a pretty cool mom to live in this place. You can't fool us. :-D

I get along with my parents really well.

I've recently had to move back in with them and it's going really great.

I love visiting my mom. She keeps a set of sheets & bedding aside that no one else is allowed to use. I never can figure it out but she's in such a good mood when I'm there, even if I'm taking a nap. Best part: early morning coffee, fairly quiet, just being together while everyone else is still sleeping.

I like you dustin! And of course you too bepsf. Personally, Ambien has made my twice a year, two weeks at a time trips home completely tolerable.

leonafoxworth - I think I would go more crazy trying not to kill my sister than my mother

dustin - I recently taught my mother email - I wish I hadn't since I get at leave five emails a day from her talking about nothing important

I have just learned not to try to argue the point on anything to my mother. Yes, she sometimes collects things I find useless - but as long as she has her own place, it's not my place to change her. Her worst habit is still smoking in the house and not realizing the smoke is still around even if you don't smoke when people are there (she refuses to open the windows).

Dustin's comment made me smile =) My folks and I live in different countries (with a 7 hour time difference) so for my mum's birthday last August I bought her a nice swanky new laptop in the hope that we could keep in touch via email. Then come my birthday in September, she tried to re-gift it back to me. I finally managed to convince her to keep it and thankfully she does use it now, but I *wish* I had used Dustin's method for dragging her into the tech age.

Introvert time! My parents (late-50s, homemaker and doctor) take naps every day if they can, especially on weekends or holidays, so my fiance and I always have a small amount of time to ourselves - whether we spend that time running errands, hanging out with my siblings, or taking naps ourselves. That small amount of introvert time saves my sanity, and knowing that we'll always have a bit of time to recharge makes a world of difference...

...which, I've realized, is one of the reasons visiting my fiance's family is difficult! No matter how long or short the visit, we have to cram in as much quality time as possible with his mom, two brothers, aunt and uncle, grandpa, the hairdresser, the cousins, and maybe even a friend or two. We can't do anything alone, and we can't sleep in the same room, and everyone is much noisier than we're used to. It's exhausting, and generally results in me feeling totally cranky and anti-social. I'm trying very hard to learn to go with the flow, but it's hard!

I can visit my parents without any problems, I just wouldn't want to stay more than a week. Usually when I go for a visit I end up staying a few days at my sister's house to break up the monotony of being at my parents. There's no internet there.