Should Dinner Guests Check their Phones at the Door?

A few weeks ago we flew back to New York City to meet up with old friends. Having moved from Brooklyn to California almost a year ago, we were eager to catch up, face-to-face, with a lot of folks who had come to be family. Obviously all our reconnections revolved around delicious dinners at some of the yummiest Brooklyn restaurants, and while the food was delectable we were a bit dismayed by what our friends considered to be perfectly reasonable dinner table etiquette -- glancing at their cell phones after almost every bite.

At one such dinner, with 3 out of the 7 folks at our table with their faces in their mobiles, we became so irate that we slammed our fists down on the table and yelled, "No phones at the table!" Unfortunately, no one took us seriously. A similar scene unfolded at our last meal, delicious Indian food delivered to the apartment we were staying at. While our hosts were kind enough to keep their Blackberries and iPhones tucked away, one of our friends couldn't resist pulling out her Blackberry during parts of the dinner conversation to check her email.

While we completely understand that there are some folks whose jobs require them to be "on-call" at all times (my husband is one of those people, though, possibly because of this very fact, he hates his cell phone and only looks at it if it's beeping for his attention) we knew that none of the people we dined with had jobs that would ever have an emergency requiring their immediate attention. Our only conclusion was that our friend's other friends were more important than the very pal sitting right in front of them.

Now, not to sound too Andy Rooney about the subject, but this type of behavior just isn't acceptable to us anymore. We too have busy lives, and because of that we don't want to waste time with people who can't give just a few hours of their full attention to us. Sure, we're not about to start boycotting certain friends, but we are starting a mental list of folks who may not be worth carving out time for.

Speaking of carving, this shocking introduction to modern table manners got us wondering about what would unfold at Thanksgiving this year. While half the folks at our family's dinner wil be over 60, and likely to not even remember to bring their cell phones, the other half are in their mid 20s and early 30s. Is it time to start asking dinner guests to check their phones at the front door? We're considering putting a bowl at the front door where people will have to leave their phones before entering. Plus it may lead to some funny hijinx at the end of the booze-filled fest when people go home with someone else's contact list. Or can we expect a modern day key party? Either way, we'll be entertained.

How do you deal with cell phones crashing your dinner party?

Image: Sonia Zjawinski

Comments (15)

I get to play the "teaching our kids manners" card. As much as I'm buried in the net all day (and night), at mealtimes and playtimes with my kids my phone at least goes in my pocket, set to vibrate (in case something URGENT happens).

I explain to friends that I want to raise my kids to respect others, which means (for instance) making the people at the table more important than their tech.

Heaven forbid.

I always turn off my cell phone at dinner and usually at restaurants, unless I'm expecting an important call/email and am at a casual restaurant--in that case, I will excuse myself and take my call outside. I also get off the phone when I'm going through a store checkout, because I think it's very rude and disrespectful to be yapping on the phone while a clerk is trying to help me at the cash register.

I am, however, much more flexible about using cell phones at coffee shops when I'm alone, but it still feels rude to fiddle with my blackberry or talk on my phone when I'm with someone.

I find it incredibly rude when someone spends more time looking at their phone than talking to me. Drives me insane.

I had my food boxed up once because my dinner partner spent the entire wait for our food talking via im to her boyfriend. Talk about rude. I asked the server to box up my food and told friend that she had a dinner partner already so i was going to go search for one too...

On a related note, in yesterday's New York Times, "Growing Up Digital, Wired for Distraction":

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/21/technology/21brain.html?_r=1&src=me&ref=homepage

Better work on your conversation skills. If people are paying more attention to their phones than to you that might be saying something....

I don't tend to think about whether I should be using my phone or not, it seems to come as naturally as whether you would pull out a book and start reading, I normally find it easy enough to just use a bit of common sense. I'd never sit around a table with 1 or 2 friends with my face buried in my blackberry, however replying to a few messages of having a flick through Twitter while at the pub with a group of mates is not really a problem. Unfortunately less and less people seem to have the common sense to think that staring at their phone while out at dinner with friends may come across as rude..

When I have drinks w/ my boss, I'll look at my phone when she goes out for a smoke...
...but the very idea of sitting in a restaurant or someone's home when someone is right there in front of you and checking messages - I wouldn't put up with it either.

The words out of my mouth would be something along the lines of "Since that phone is clearly more important than my company, this dinner is over."

I find it incredibly rude if someone you are having dinner with constantly checks their phones. As others have said, it gives you the impresion that you are not really enough for them, that they are so bored they would rather check for a text msg.
Even if you are in a bar and a more casual setting and someone is constantly on their phone - why don't they just go home?

It's so rude to check your phone whilst with other people - it'll ring or buzz if you're needed. And really, how often does something that urgent happen. It's the same thing when I see people out with headphones on with other people. Rude.

Generally people at dinner don't check because they're bored - they check because their brains have become wired to always check every so often. It's a nervous tic. We should pity them, really!

Sadly, a good host can't do much to change guests' behavior. Confiscating phones at the beginning of a party just risks making you look a little... crazy.

I'd say fight fire with fire. Have a preset text message you can easily send instantly. Something humorous, not serious. "Hello, hello, this is a message from your phone! Have you made face-to-face human contact today?"

They'll likely pause their emailing or twittering to read it, at which point you should hide your cell and put on your most innocent expression.

Kaete: I love your pre-set text reminder idea! It's friendly enough to get the message across without being overly negative about the situation. As someone considering re-joining the cell phone toting set, I hope I don't develop the tic myself!

It's unbelievably rude.

I was lucky enough to come across one of these in my travels, I keep it around for *those* friends or family members who I value too much to ditch, but who just can't seem to put their phones down. It sits in a corner, I flip the switch and innocently say something about my 1920s-era building and its terrible phone service.

Unfortunately, they don't work with 3G, so I'm going to have to come up with a new solution soon. :\

I forgot the link! One of THESE: http://www.thesignaljammer.com/

Oh, and my SIL does this every time she comes over for dinner--she'll just whip out her iphone/ipod touch and play on it all night long, pausing just long enough to eat dinner and then dash afterwards. I've mentioned to my brother how annoyingly rude it is, but apparently he's too afraid of his bride to say anything. The last time she did it, I wanted so badly to shove it down her throat. It's fine when you're on your own or at a coffee shop or maybe even a pub with a big group to (momentarily) check your email or whatever, but she'll spend hours playing with random app's; it basically sends the message that she doesn't give a crap about us, and that she's just come over for the free food.

"Better work on your conversation skills. If people are paying more attention to their phones than to you that might be saying something...."

I think it's saying that they're wired in to their phone way much. I don't think it has anything to do with my conversation skills.

Kate, I think your idea is awesome!