Whether you've just moved in with your significant other or have decided to have a date spend the night, sleeping in the same bed with someone else can sometimes be a real compromise. When I imagine sleeping in the same bed with someone, I first think about the romantic ideals and completely forget about any issues such as snoring, stealing covers, and alarm clocks.
We are simply going to discuss the technicalities of sleep behaviors and leave the more intimate connotation of sleeping together for another time.
My unfavorable sleep behaviors include setting the alarm clock and not waking up to its annoying beeping. I do enjoy the comfort of sleeping next to a warm body at night, so I decided to make the situation as ideal for both myself and my partner as possible.
- Turn the Blinds to Block the Morning Sun: Especially if someone isn't a morning person, waking up to a bright light is not the most welcoming wakeup call.
- Set the Alarm Clock for the Actual Time: I am guilty of setting the alarm clock for an unrealistic time and then sleeping through the beeping. Having the piercing alarm clock sound continue through the numerous snooze phases can be very inconsiderate to the person who doesn't have to wake up at a certain time.
- Tiptoe into Bed: If one person decides to go to bed before the other, try not to wake the sleeping beauty by being as quiet as possible when entering the bedroom. Complete nightly tasks such as plugging in cell phones prior to the lights being turned off.
- Share the Covers: Yes it feels great to wrap up in the blanket, but the other person doesn't want the responsibility of having to pull the covers away.
- Windows Open or Closed: Everyone has a different vulnerability to hot and cold temperatures. While a cool breeze may feel soothing to one person, another may have a hard time staying warm through the night.
- Cuddling: Surprise, some men do like to cuddle, even though they may not admit it. However some men and women may not sleep well when laying close or cuddling. Decide what your partner's personal preference is and don't take personal offense to the answer, whatever it may be.
- Shower: Taking a shower before coming to bed may seem like the obvious, but not everyone takes nightly showers. I like to view the bed as a comfortable, clean resting place and want to be able to relax at night without the days dirt.
- Dress Cute: There is no formal dress code for sleepwear, but it never hurts to put a little effort in. My biggest gripe is a man who comes to bed in the same t-shirt that he wore all day.
- Bonus: Breakfast in Bed: As a reward for getting through the first night of sleeping together and to encourage future sleepovers, serving breakfast in bed never hurts. It also keeps sharing a bed fun and enjoyable rather than feeling the anxiety of compromise.
And for long term sleep partners:
- Decide Who Sleeps on Which Side of the Bed: This seems silly, but if you are in a relationship you quickly realize that everyone has set routines that they don't like to give up.
What are some of your tips for making sleeping together a success?
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The best way to deal with covers problems is to simply use two different sets. You can still cuddle just as easily under two sheets, and no one goes cold in the middle of the night. As an extra bonus, you can have different thicknesses of blanket in case one person tends towards feeling hot while the other feels cold.
My other personal sleep rule is to keep my icy toes well away from my SO, even if he is nice and toasty warm to wiggle them under! ;)
Aw, this is adorable. I agree with Kaete, though - the boyfriend and I use different blankets, because otherwise we'd be scrapping and yelling every night.
I've laughed at the "Dress Cute" part. :D
Shift from the bedroom any red-lit machines, and cover the remaining machines that make any light. My husband and I had alarm clocks with illuminated red numbers, and both of us find the current green-lit one to be far more soothing. Red glowing in the dark is scary.
Geesh...well, it's my own fault for clicking on the link to begin with. I brought it all on myself. :Z
If they snore, I won't sleep overnight with them again. It's not worth it. I'll still be happy to date them and screw them, but sleeping together will be off the menu.
My biggest issue is this: I'm a female who prefers - nay, needs - to either sleep on my stomach, or be the big spoon. I have a hernia in my belly button, and it's more comfortable for me to sleep with my weight on it rather than risk it popping in the night. Disgusting, but hey - sometimes a guy appreciates being the big spoon.
Another thing to consider is breathing space. While being the big spoon is great, it sometimes means that I'm literally breathing down someone's neck. Uncomfortable, to say the least.
My boyfriend's a cuddler and I'm not, so we compromise... For the first 10 minutes or so, we full-on cuddle (facing each other), then I turn over and he spoons me for a little, and then when I'm done with that, I lay on my stomach and that's his cue to roll over. It may take a little longer to fall asleep, but this way we're both happy.
Naked and sweaty with a ceiling fan going seems to work for me most of the time.
Make sure you are sharing a bed that is big enough for the two of you! The first time my live-in boyfriend and I slept in the same bed, I had just finished college and had an old hand-me-down full-size. Not so great when he's 6'7"! We have a queen size now, and really wish our tiny townhouse had room for a king-size!
Laura
Just a Little Bit
gimme a break. what is this, Cosmo? "Dress cute"?
I'm so glad I'm not the only person who goes the two-blanket route! My boyfriend's a radiator and also likes to burrito himself in a blanket. If we tried to share covers it'd be a nightly tug-o-war.
When we were recently shopping for new sheets with my mom (she provided the car, not the cash), she looked AGHAST when we stopped to think about the need for a second top sheet. Absolutely shocked and appalled.
It was pretty funny.
sometimes you need the idealism & romance (includes dressing cute) to put up with the rest of the not-so-cute stuff.
These posts are pretty hilarious... presumably most readers of a design blog are grownups. No offense to the writer, but who needs a guide to 'how to sleep together'??
Sleeping with another human involves body stuff, up to and including - farting, snoring, kicking, drooling, bad breathe, and the potential for morning-after-regret.
Accept your partner for all their idiosyncrasies, and they'll hopefully do the same for you.
Your desire for a *clean resting place* seems to be in conflict with your other desire for breakfast in bed. Sleeping with breakfast crumbs the following night seems much less appealing to me than sleeping with somebody who doesn't shower before bed.
I second a big enough bed. my boyfriend is a walking (and sleeping) radiator. as much as I'd love to cuddle, I need at least a foot of space between us to not break out into a sweat.
Not sure we need a tutorial on how to sleep with someone for the first time...kind of odd thing to post, I think.
Laura, another tall Laura here with a tall BF (I'm 6', he's 6'4"). A Cali king is the way to go. It eats up almost the entire bedroom, but is sooo worth it. We can sleep lengthwise and width-wise, and be totally comfortable either way.
We also put the mattress on the floor, so that it doesn't seem totally overwhelming in the room.
I second (third?) the separate coverings. SO IMPORTANT.
these posts just give people an outlet to share their strange domestic stories. no one really cares!
haha, I love this. I think dressing cute is more fun than anything!
Cute! A little off topic, but enjoyable nonetheless.
"Turn the Blinds to Block the Morning Sun: Especially if someone isn't a morning person, waking up to a bright light is not the most welcoming wakeup call."
For some of us, it's near impossible to wake up without morning sun...
"My biggest gripe is a man who comes to bed in the same t-shirt that he wore all day."
That sure wouldn't bother me...
This topic would have been more pertinent to AT if it had focused on the design/furnishing elements one adds or adjusts to accommodate a bedmate. I would enjoy reading such a post as a follow up to this one. Bedside tables for both? Lighting? Music?
I read AT for what I can learn about a) what goes in or stays out of a room and b) how I can make it look and work better in that room.
Hope to read that post soon.
What in the world does this have to do with decor? This isn't helpful at all.
Bedroom lighting can be a contentious issue. I like to read in bed. My old solution: the midnight reader lamp from Levenger's. My new solution: being single.
I am with gibbler - this isn't cosmo. I've been living with my guy for years and by now we are way out of the "dress cute" stage unless it's a special occasion. We tend to dress the same any more - underwear and tank tops unless it's cold.
I guess I get it for those who are taller or have really bad sleep problems, but personally we (me and the guy) still sleep on a full size bed and we find that we have plenty of room, so I don't get the huge deal on needing king size beds.
I'm just here for the pearl-clutching.
Ditto SfDweller, gibbler and rimesq. Lord. This wouldn't even make Cosmo.
No wet-spot mention?
Where to store the sex toys? What about the swing and the mirrors?
And yes, it's a design blog, not an etiquette/how to get laid column.
Oh the farts!
Well, there's a blog about living with children, living green, and living with tech. It's all about the act of living and what we live with. Maybe there needs to be another blog section dedicated to human issues like this that seem to pop up as posts from time to time on AT. Maybe a social etiquette type of blog? Something neither feminine or masculine, just human.
I clicked on this post because I thought I must have misunderstood its subject. Am I just a really cranky married person? I want my three minutes back.
u lot complain too much, before you click on something u can read the initial sentences of what the article is vaguely about.
i particularly found the concept of different sheets fascinating, as my hubby is like sleeping next to furnace made of skin. He also has a great trick of getting out of bed delicately and taking the dog with him so she doesn't wake me up, goes and makes my cup of tea to wake me up with it. but i have a weird way of knowing he isn't in bed any longer or if he's out of bed for a while or comes late, as, since we have been living together, i have nightmares when he's not in bed with me. no idea why or how, any one else get this?
"I read AT for what I can learn about a) what goes in or stays out of a room and b) how I can make it look and work better in that room."
... which is exactly how the discerning aesthete goes about choosing a bed partner.
See, I love these posts not for the actual content of them, but much more for the comments. Hilarious!
I couldn't really care less about the majority of this post, but do most people really shower before bed??
I only shower in the morning and if I did at night I'd need another shower in the am anyway.
Honestly, how dirty does the average adult body get during the course of the day? Yeah, I'm assuming that the majority of AT readers aren't miners or escorts.
Umm...not quite, rosenatti, but that's a post for a whole 'nother blog. ;-)
I have to agree with Marcia these are great rules and guidelines. She took the words right out of my mouth… if only we can get our significant other to follow them.
Is this the genesis of a spin-off site?
Small, cool relationships
Mid Century romance
Girlfriend renovation: DIY
How to select a relationship subcontractor
Yeah, baby!
@zhenpoo, No, what gives me nightmares are joint pain and sleepwear that pinches, so I take analgesics with dinner and don't wear binding pajamas. It sounds like there may be a medical problem that keeps you from sleeping deeply. You might want to have a sleep study. On the up side, your husband sounds sweet.
LOL, @Rosenatti.
This post struck me as along the lines of that string of posts about how to be a good houseguest or, from further back, about entertaining.
That snooze alarm thing is my #1 pet peeve. My compromise is to get up with the first alarm, turn it off, then go about getting ready very noisily (radio, singing, dropping things). I figure it's the same difference.
If you've really got incompatible sleep habits, you could always *gasp* not sleep together. At least in the physical (not Biblical) sense. It amazes me how much time and energy people put into solving problems just because they assume married or cohabitating couples have to sleep together.
@LittleEdie, Agreed. The guestroom is used by me when one of us is congested and coughing from a cold or when I get a migraine headache, which happens rarely since I was prescribed Maxalt. To reduce the light that worsens migraines, and to muffle traffic noises since the guestroom is closer to the street, it has blackout curtain panels over the usual blinds and shades. My guess is that a lot of people with guestrooms use them more this way than for guests.
Don't pick sides, switch sides!
Also agree with LittleEdie- I know a married couple who have different rooms and sleep separately and they are by far the happiest, most sane couple I know
See my solution is just to not share my bed.
Funny posts, but of course the weirdest ones were the two people suggesting sleeping separately. Not to go into details that should be very patent, but 1.couples sleep together not because of "customs" but because they want to. Just the way the posts were phrased entail a whole lot of issues in that marriage. And 2.if you can't work out/compromise on a simple thing like SLEEPING together, exactly how are the rest of the compromises going to happen? This can be traumatic for your children, if any, and for the cohesiveness of your family. Sleeping together is not such a big riddle. Psychologically, it's more important than sex itself. I have done that only once and just a few months later I left that person.
I signed up just to say that. Carry on!