I don't give advice unless asked. If asked, I start with praise and then move on to gentle suggestions for change.

i put my foot in my mouth on two separate occasions. once, when i asked acquaintances what colour they were planning to paint their (hideous hospital) off white walls which, it turns out, were freshly painted. thank god i left off the truly offensive adjectives.
the second time i was ushered into a room and was at an utter loss of words because i wasn't sure if i was supposed to gasp in horror at the before or admiration at the after. turns out it was the latter. sigh.

I agree with the above -- don't offer unless asked -- and then, only when very, very specifically asked.

Also, watch the person's body language. After some honest praise, sometimes I'll use a phrase like "I've enjoyed this idea/color/theme..." as a way to offer a suggestion.

Having had people bluntly state their (unasked) opinion of my attire, home, garden, etc. I can appreciate that a little tact goes a long way.

Marcia(s), yesterday's post wasn't offensive, it was just silly. I hardly think that anyone took it as a personal insult, especially when at least one of your "do" photos blatantly contradicted a few of the directives on your "don't" list. As long as you know the difference between opinion and fact (as well as "I" and "we"), I think at least one of you will be fine.

Thankfully I've never been seriously asked, but recently we moved into a space where we were really excited about choosing our own fixtures (bathroom vanity, lighting, ceiling fans, etc...) and we show up and it turns out that the wife of the person we're "renting" this house from went ahead and picked those things for us. I was visibly upset about it, and my fiance was furious at me for being upset because these people are doing us a huge favor right now. I was upset because 1) I've never been able to pick those things out for myself before and I had been researching them for months and 2) her style is NOT our style, and I feel like it clashes a bit. They're what you may refer to as "transitional" the stuff you see everywhere in rubbed bronze. She asked me if I liked them, and I had to say "yes, they're nice." What else was I supposed to say? I could have told her that they weren't really my style, but before we moved here we even told her what our decorating style was like. I feel like she obviously didn't listen or she would have picked more modern fixtures.

Ugh, sorry for the rant!

I never ever give advice unless I know the person asking for my opinion can handle (constructive) criticism. That's a lesson I've learned the hard way. When I'm sure the person truly values my opinion and isn't just fishing for compliments, I do what medusa12120 suggested. Or I start with praise like sagekitten85, then I add something like "but you know me, I'm a perfectionist and there's always room for improvement. For example, you could maybe..."

I refrain from offering any opinion other than praise. If absolutely, totally pressed for advice, I ask what they want to accomplish with the redecoration - more openness, more modern, more comfortable, more slick, more what? Depending on that answer, I can come up with something concrete.

If they don't know what they want to accomplish and just want it "better", I generally talk about the color wheel and suggest some coordinating or contrasting colors to the colors they already know they like.

Overall, I stay away from "right" or "wrong" anything. It's too subjective, and it doesn't inspire confidence in my opinion - why should they trust my gut over their own? It's their space. Explaining the theory behind why I would do things certain ways is more useful to them in the long run.

But we almost never get to that point - in general, I offer praise or say nothing. I don't need to have an opinion about other people's private spaces.

Marcia,
As an architect and a female, my friends and my mother's friends frequently what to 'give me the tour' to show off their latest renovations, wallpaper selections, new sofa, ect. I know that they don't want my opinion (even if they say they do - this is one moment that it's so completely not about me), they want me to listen to their thoughts and experiences. They want to show it off - and I like their enthusiasm for their homes. It's not all that different than what has been happening here on this site over the years.
Personally, I always try to notice and comment on small details they have obviously spent a lot of time on, which is always well received but I would never point out 'problems' or 'mistakes' - if they like it isn't not wrong. The tour is not a design crit - it is someone showing you their home. It's not my place to tell anyone how to live or what to like. I can't imagine presenting an idea in a the manner you did in your post yesterday - not to a client and certainly not to a friend. There is a difference between honesty and tact and the line is drawn with good manners.

oops ... I meant to say "if they like it, it isn't wrong"

Definitely if someone says, "What do you think of...?", that is not an opportunity for honesty. That is an opportunity for either gushing praise, or carefully worded tact delivered with a winning smile.

If someone asks something relatively concrete, like, "Do you think I should paint my walls blue or green?", I would offer my honest opinion. I would still wrap it in some tact, such as, "I think blue would be just lovely in here... and green would be nice too." You know, in case they pick green.

Even when people ask for advice, they don't usually really want it.

Ouch, I have a couple of friends who really want advice, but it's not easy to be tactful. I think color and furniture are such personal choices, that instead of offering advice on color or acquisitions, it might be better to just help them arrange the items they do have in a more aesthetically pleasing manner. Very sensitive subject.

Just say you are entitled to my opinion.

This reminds me of some friends of mine who couldn't decide what shade of green to paint their house (exterior), so they painted stripes on the back side of five different colors, had a big party in their backyard, and had secret ballot voting on which color they should choose. They did follow through and use the color that won, and it looks great.

This reminds me of when I would ask my mom what to wear on free dress day when I had to wear a uniform 4 days a week.. and she would make a suggestion which I never ended up taking after all.

therefore I agree with emmelemm.

Mmmm, tact. Very useful trait. Unfortunately not one I'm particuarly good at. Fortunately, the person who most frequenly asks my opinion is my sister and she knows I'm going to be blunt. Or, at least, she should by now.

My friends, though, tend to handle criticism well, provided I'm not rude about it. I tend to phrase things in the "It's lovely but I would have done a few little things differently such as,...I totally love what you did with _____" way.

I'll have to remember "the compliment sandwich." I love it.

If someone asks a specific and open-ended question like "What color(s) would look good here?" then I feel comfortable making suggestions. But often they're looking for validation of their choices, so that's when I tread carefully.

Even if I think somebody's decorating is awful, there's usually something positive you can focus on . . . like how the chartreuse paint "really brightens up the space" or how the splintery barn wood kitchen cabinets (complete with cow pies--I remember my uncle showing his off years ago) "sure makes it feel outdoorsy in here." Of course, the trick is to not make it sound snarky.

Personally, if a person makes thier home more 'theirs', think they've done a good job.
Bright orange stripes, puke colour polka dots? No MY taste, but if makes somebody happier in their space, then the job has been done the right way.
I don't think there's a 'right' and 'wrong' in interior design. I think it's all about making your home a happy and comfortable place to be in, and I can get behind that all the way. It'd be terribly boring if all houses were decorated to my tastes alone.
So I have no issue saying "That's great!" to things that I personally don't love, because I think it IS great to see somebody claim their space as their own.
Hence I'll also often say "I can really see your personality through it all" - and isn't that what it's all about anyway?
Viva La Difference! and so on.

When asked, I keep the advice related to the principles of design, line, color repetition, composition, etc. What I do professional is a matter of taste level not my taste.

I always prefer the blunt truth. If something doesn't look good I want to know.

I remember hunting down a dance teacher to ask her opinion of a dance I had choreographed. I got slammed. I realized that I had, indeed, been hoping for praise and been mortified and disappointed. When I thought about it, though, I realized that it was up to me: I shouldn't ask for someone's opinion unless I really want it and am prepared to hear something that may not be complimentary. I certainly try to be tactful and highlight some positive aspect, even if I don't like something, but if someone really doesn't want my opinion, they shouldn't ask for it.

That said, I am a firm believer that the decoration of one's home is so personal and subjective (like an appreciation of certain colors) that, as far as I am concerned, if the person living there is happy, I'm happy for them, even if the place makes my skin crawl (not something I would actually say ;))

I agree with in-the-poche. Her strategy is much like mine: Never criticize the person's finished product. Notice the things they are proud of and say something nice. However, if it is a work-in-progress and someone asks my opinion, then I will advise them about what to pay attention to when making decisions.

Offending people is just part of my charm! That's what I tell them, at least. I mean whoopteedoo, maybe they chose some awful curtains. Deep down they probably know something is wrong, that's why they ask.

It's not like you said they have an ugly baby.

hahahaha, tam-tbag!

my friends, my mother's friends, and my boyfriend's family are constantly asking me "so...what would you do differently in this room?" that's the WORST!! I just skirt the question and reply "I wouldn't change a thing....it's so YOU!"

I was actually interviewing for a little serving job the other day (hey, it's a recession) and the owner actually said "Okay, so tell me what you would change about this place." I declined...but I got the job!

http://mylittleapartment.blogspot.com/

My style is serious minimalism. But I have friends whose appreciation for my apartment is more about how I cleverly hide things in plain site and that my place seems to have plenty of storage/functionality while appearing clean. So since I know that is what they admire, that's what I think they are asking my opinion about. And I give praise on that subject. So for instance, I was a friends for dinner last night and I told them I was impressed with their ingenious toilet paper holder. When they asked if I though the living room was too crowded with shelves, I said, I would like it if these shelves matched so that they would disappear and you would notice your amazing collection of CD's on them instead. I also told them I loved the way their place represented their personal style and really felt like a home. All this was true. When people are asking you for your opinion they are not asking if you want to live there, they are asking if they have been successful communicating who they are. So from that stand point, every room that someone is proud of is just that, an expression of who they are and all people are beautiful in their own way, even if you don't want to live with them.

I just lie and say it's nice if it's not my style. I've never come across anything totally horrible or tacky, just things that I don't personally like. What people like is pretty subjective, so if they are happy with their home then that's fine.

My cousin's wife does a lot of decorating in their home and while she does a great job, our tastes are completely different. She likes dark reds, very traditional furniture, brocade bedding while I like bright colors, modern patterns, modern and midcentury or shabby chic furniture. So when she shows me something new in the house, I just say, 'oh that looks really good'. It's not untrue, it might look good, just not how I would decorate.

"You can also try the "compliment sandwich" where you start with a compliment, then mention where one needs improvement, then end with a compliment. Thank you Family Guy."

I'm an interior design major at an art school and when we critique each others work we're suppose to use the compliment sandwich where you start with a positive feedback, move on to constructive criticism and then end with another positive comment. Usually my critiques go something like: "Yeah, hey, great job on this! ______________ (about 3 minutes of criticism), .. but yeah, good job. I think you worked really hard and it shows". If we don't use this three-step sugar-coating method we actually get docked participation points. I suppose this is the schools way of teaching everyone tact, which is something I could use more of.

Do they not teach grammar in design school? Did you not learn a thing from yesterday's commenters? One of the most offensive points in your post yesterday was the pompous use of the royal 'we,' which is even more apparent here. Ugh.

It's one thing to use the editorial we, as if you were representing AT. But AT isn't a design student, you are. AT didn't write the piece, you did. It's not AT's personal opinion, it's yours. Either use 'we' in the editorial sense correctly or just own up to your mistakes and say 'I."

Marcia, personally speaking, it wasn't that my personal taste was offended; it was that the post came off as fairly imperious and elitist, which seems to me not at all in the spirit of AT. It was also a concern that you edited the post for tone, including the title, which seemed a bit ethically dodgy, IMHO, given that people had already had an opportunity to read it and comment on it. Anyway, I appreciate your guts for posting this follow-up. Thanks for putting yourself out there and trying to make it right.

It seems to me that tact is something we need more of when posting comments on AT. Comments are often ruthless and they aren't specifically solicited. Many of the helpful suggestions above could be applied to AT comments as well.

emmelemm - I love your friend's idea for getting help choosing a paint color. I am glad to hear it worked out for her.

People need to get over this "we" thing. I don't even notice it. It's not that big of a deal.

I love that everyone has strategies for dealing with this situation with tact, diplomacy, and that they realize how to offer constructive criticism because people's real homes, and feelings, are at stake.

I hope on the next House Tour, all those same tactics apply. The internet should be no different than that.

But, Marcia, I do not think the situation you describe about your friends asking for a critique, and the pushback you got about the "Color Ban" post are at ALL related.

I've encountered this situation with my mom. She often will design a room around individual things she likes, and they don't always fit really well together. It's easy to see what she's particularily proud of, though, and give that high praise.

I know that when I've gotten tours of homes, I try to look for things that maybe other people wouldn't have noticed. Paint color, bedspread, etc. are the kinds of things others might see immediately. With my friend who's a carpenter, I look for new baseboard, changes to the staircase, or how gorgeous the wood floor is, and I suggest changes based on his expertise (like maybe refinishing said wood floor after years of abuse).

Also, I don't know why people are getting so uppity about AT posts. They're bloggers, not newspapermen, and at least they're using punctuation and not ending sentances with LOL like my cousins do.

Big deal, tell the truth ... what a bunch of sucks. LOL.

We painted our dining room a bad colour. I blame my husband for pressuring me at the paint store to buy all the paint at one shot. (I had researched the living room colours and those turned out well, but had not figured out the other rooms.) A number of visitors asked what we were going to paint the dining room. Oops, so what?

One pair of relatives didn't like our living room colours, I could tell, although they didn't say anything. But that doesn't bother me, most of my relatives have bad taste, haha. The corollary to that, one couple put their home together for their style, e.g. super traditional, and it does work, for that style.

The problem with Marcia's post yesterday is that it was arbitrary. With colours, there will always be someone who will be able to make it work. Look at all the popular neutrals out there, designer-approved ... and many people somehow just won't be able to put it all together. That's just how it is ... different talents ... and why there's an interior design industry.

As some of you have already pointed out, there's a difference between asking someone's opinion because you're expecting a compliment, and asking because you really want someone's constructive criticism. If I thought I were getting the latter type of question, I'd turn it around on the asker: "It looks great! Why? Is there anything you're worried about or looking to change?" This allows the person an opportunity to get specific, so that you can offer the advice they're really looking for. You don't have to guess. Get the person to tell you the kind of response they're looking for.

Yesterday's color post wasn't offensive; it was just juvenile. You don't personally like a color, ergo it's on the "forbidden" list? What are you, a sixth-grade Mean Girl?

When people ask for advice, what they really want is advice on how to make their space work for their own style (and lifestyle) -- not what YOU would do with the space if it were yours and you could start from scratch.

Lisa--

Do you apply that same rule here when someone posts a House Tour?

I think so, Patrick. I always try to be nice with House Tours, having done one myself. If I hate the place, I don't comment.

I agree 100% with in-the-pouche. No one actually wants your critique, they want validation and appreciation for the work they've put into their space. And style is so, so personal. I really like what ExperimentsinHonesty said, and I can really relate to their advice as well. I would never ask someone their opinion of my home or presume that they liked it, because they might be into something totally different than me. I tend to like vintage and antique things, so even if I've accomplished the style that I like perfectly, the person who I'm asking might be all about clean lines and white, in which case they aren't going to love what I've done. There is no pleasing everyone, so I think you should decorate to your own tastes rather than to impress your friends - you are bound to fail. If someone wants to say how much they like your place, that is one thing. But I would never ask.

Find something about the space that you can sincerely compliment, even if it's, "You painted this yourself? It looks like a professional did it." or "I love it when a person has the courage to use bright colors."

PS The one scenario where I can see someone actually wanting your opinion is when they are trying to make a decision about something. In that case, I think you can honestly say which thing you prefer. If you are extremely tactful, you could possibly even recommend something different, but only if it actually fits in with your friend's taste and you think they might like it - not if you are trying to force your taste on them. For example, in the example of people trying to decide between shades of green paint, I can see saying, "I'd love to see something with a warmer undertone, how about ____ by Benjamin Moore? I saw it on my neighbor's house and it looked great" rather than "Green is all wrong. You should go with orange."

By the way, I like Dear Abby's method on screening advice:

Is it honest? Is it helpful? Is it kind?

If you can answer yes to all three, then go forward. If not, refrain.

I remember when I was in school and so very enthusiastic about all I was learning. It was so easy to believe I had the answers and was an expert. (I know I drove my mother around the bend with my absolutes.) Once out of school, I quickly learned that I had much more to learn and that I knew next to nothing. Twenty years later, I am more aware of how little I know about design and am still learning - thank goodness for that as I will never be bored! When someone asks me what I would do, my first answer is 'I don't know.' I don't know what they want, what they need and what they like - how can I answer the question without that information? A part of design is about an implementation of a style, but only a small part. More than that it is a service of solving problems. How can you solve the problem without knowing the parameters?
One idea would be to approach these questions as if their opinions about their space mattered, and it might lead into an interesting conversation (far more interesting, IMHO, than listening to myself talk) and one that they might find more useful. - I hope that helps.

Tact? It has been pointed out throughout my entire life that tact is not my strong point, so anybody who asks MY opinion had better really want it. As someone who used to get all kinds of horrible crap as gifts because I pretended to like something, I have no use whatsoever for politically correct falsehoods. I do make some effort, usually, to phrase things in a way that makes it obvious I am speaking MY opinion, not "God's Truth", and I often phrase advice as "you might want to think about doing this or that..." leaving the "or not" part implied.

I think the connection between this post and the color post is the idea of hurt feelings. We obviously hurt Marcia's and now she's wondering how NOT to do that to other people. But I suggest that any professional in a creative field (like design) had better develop a thick skin because creativity is personal and there will always be someone who really hates your work and won't hold back about saying so. You can't please everybody, and not everybody will be quiet, especially if they are clients.

I am very careful not give advice unless I am specifically asked for it. My friends and family know what I do for a living. If they genuinely want help, they can come to me at any time. The only time I might intervene is if someone is about to make a dangerous or expensive mistake--buying a sofa I know won't fit through their front door. But the key here is to speak up *before* someone spends a lot of time/money/energy. My go to phrase, "it really suits you." They can take it however they want.

I think giving advice on decorating is very subjective concerning the person asking and the one giving the advice. I trust and respect my daughter's advice because she's a great designer and she knows my taste. But some of my friends I'd never ask for their opinion because their tastes are so different and some I don't like the way they decorate their own homes. But one should have a pretty good idea from the person asking for the opinion whether they're looking for actual constructive comments or just fishing for a compliment. Jacasi, I agree with you. Where's the tact when it comes to our comments on AT. We not here to tear apart the person who posts on AT. They're entitled to their opinion, the same as we are. Let's be a little kinder. Constructive criticisim is one thing, but down right malicious verbiage is uncalled for.

It is indeed a subjective subject. My friend owns an office design company but the work has dried up to a slow trickle. Do you think there is any mileage in trying a personal design tough for people's apartments?

John
phone tapping
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