Every single one of you has likely experienced this scenario: you're having dinner or drinks with some colleagues or friends when one of them gets an alert on their phone. While your friend is replying, you remember that you need to check your email, so you whip out your phone as well.
Before long, the entire table has their heads down and their focus on their smartphones — instead of on each other, the forgotten conversation, or the waitress attempting to get your orders.
It's hard these days to know when the line has been crossed from being always available to being always slightly rude. With all the gadgets clamoring for our attention day and night, it's easy to get distracted by our devices, especially when they're rarely out of reach. Some people don't mind this tech invasion, but many of us are starting to miss being able to spend time together without a constant stream of interruptions. For those of us who are trying to get the upper hand on our phone habits, there's a handy dinner game called the Phone Stack to test your resolve.
It works like this: when each guest arrives at the table, they place their phone face down in the center of the table, where they will remain for the entire meal. No matter how much they ring, bleep, or ping with missed calls or text messages, the phones stay in the pile because (and here is the genius of the game) if you pick up your phone, you're also picking up the tab. Yep, that's right — answering your phone in the middle of dinner now has consequences aside from just getting dirty looks from the next table.
Now, it should be said that this handy bit of social engineering is likely to meet with resistance from the tech-addicted, but the fact is we often ignore the the rules of common courtesy when it comes to our mobile phones. The Phone Stack is simply a game among friends, based on the idea that you genuinely enjoy everyone's company and care enough to give them your undivided attention. The game can be played at home as well; during dinner parties the first to pick up their mobile may be responsible for the dishes, for example.
It's good to keep in mind that there is no reason the rules can't be amended. For example, your on-call EMT friend who also has a pregnant wife a few days away from delivery? Maybe he can leave his phone face up to make sure none of the incoming messages is a true emergency. Everyone else at the table, however, will just have to resist the impulse to give in to temptation and check in on Foursquare, post photos of the food to Facebook, or update Twitter. Unless, of course, you're feeling generous. Then by all means, pick up that call.
Read More: The Phone Stack on Kempt
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If I receive a call I leave the table and find a quiet area. This should be common courtesy.
I've also been in meetings where we are required to turn in our phones.
I LOVE this idea! But I think it would only work with child-free or empty-nest friends. My kids are 5 and 3, and there's absolutely no way I would give up my phone if my kids are at home with a babysitter. In that situation, I would answer EVERY TIME.
Wish we could make that a requirement when attending the theatre or a film. If anyone's phone goes off or, worse even, they text or ANSWER the call, they have to reimburse ticket costs for everyone!
I am so glad that none of my friends have reached the level of boorishness that we have to implement something like this. Checking in on Foursquare? Facebook?? I'd hope not!
People want their phones kept on their person, so they can discreetly check that there are no missed calls from the babysitter or whatever. There are many shades of grey between 'don't even look at your phone for hours' and 'posting photos to FB like a rude idiot'.
These kind of social contrivances are just as annoying as the obnoxious behavior they're trying to correct.
I think the most productive and mature thing you can do when faced with someone who is glued to their phone is wait until an occasion when you're alone and politely tell them that you wish they'd use their phone less at meals because you feel like you must be boring. Don't see a particular offender one on one much? Well then you probably aren't close enough to them to comment on their manners.
@bitts - I don't get it. Why do you LOVE the idea, if it's something *you* would never do?
That wouldn't work since most of my friends have the same phone as I do, and sometimes even the same case. And we actually use our phones during dinner if we're discussing something and want to look up information.
My family was raised keeping our phones in the car, or in our purse on vibrate or silent, and it bothers me when I see people texting or answering phone calls during dinner. Why even bother going to dinner or getting drinks or going to see a movie if you didn't want to spend time doing that activity? I feel neglected when I'm getting lunch with a friend and her phone keeps dinging, and she picks it up everytime. We don't have to go to lunch if you didn't want to pay attention to the person in front of you.
The same thing goes for hats. I know they're fashion statements and it might seem a little old fashioned but take it off if you're in a restaurant or church! AND PLEASE AND THANK YOUS. I'm 25 and I'm still aware of these little social etiquette rules, why do parents not teach this anymore?
People raised children before cell phones, right?
If you feel like it's the only option, then leave the phone face up and pick up when it's ACTUALLY the babysitter. Instead of leaving it out and saying it's in case of emergency but then really responding to any email, text or call that comes through.
I can totally relate to this cyclical behaviour. One person takes their phone out for 'emergency' and then others follow suit because they feel like it's ok.
I'm freelance and work from home and don't have client hours. People can call me WHENEVER. But sometimes they'll get my voice mail. And I can promise you, I have never lost a client or a friend because I turn my phone off when I'm unavailable.
not into this game at all. i can't imagine a stack of buzzing phones being any less distracting.
Agree with @AKAY.
Anyway, if I get a text message and don't read it my phone buzzes periodically to catch my attention. I would (and do) find this irritating enough that opening the message (without replying) is the lesser of two social evils.
@CHARLIE26, who said There are many shades of grey between 'don't even look at your phone for hours' and 'posting photos to FB like a rude idiot'
Exactly. When you're perusing Facebook statuses, reading an article, or having a rambling text conversation with someone else -- yes, that's rude.
But sometimes phone use at a meal isn't rude, like when you just need to do something logistical or quick -- let other friends know where you are, tell the babysitter where the extra paper towels are, confirm something for a colleague, or let your worrying mom know that no, you're not dead even though you haven't returned her last call yet.
Or phones can even be social. I've had fun meals when someone has read funny emails, articles, or match.com profiles to the rest of us. Someone might look up funny facts about movies, or show some photos.
Phone use in itself isn't inherently rude, but if someone is consistently rude, then go mature, non-passive-aggressive route suggested by AKAY.
@KPIES slightly OT I know, but is it usual here (I'm assuming you're in the USA) to remove hats in church? I was raised (in the UK) to cover my head in any place or worship-not that I visit them a lot-and that was usually done with a hat.
Interested to know...
I've never had any problem not answering my phone. I love not answering my phone!! I think pretty much everyone I know has come to accept that by now...
I like my friends - and that this is not a problem.
Can't you just leave the phone in your handbag, pocket or briefcase? I know I'm showing my age here, but it IS possible to step away from total connectivity for an hour or two of socializing.
In response to defaultname-
When you are supposed to be enjoying a social evening out with friends, using your phone for any reason except an emergency is rude. Telling the babysitter where the paper towels are is more important that face to face time with your friends? Something logistical and quick? If I was the person you were out for drinks with I would assume you didn't take the time to make sure all of that was handled before we met, which strikes me as awfully rude.
@ Mdm Suggie - I think it depends on where in the US you are, and what kind of church you are going to. It was always the rule growing up that you always remove you hat inside, especially in a church. But I know I had friends who had church hats.
My neighbour, a male corporate type in his early forties, tells me he and his friends do this when they go out to a bar. Not such a bad approach I guess, but am I missing something here? Have people forgotten that it is actually possible to turn the damn things OFF!
@JACQUIELIN, I think would be inflexible and rude of me to not forgive someone from taking 15 seconds away from our meal to send a text that quick.