There are few moments more thrilling than the ones in which you watch your gift being unwrapped by someone you adore. You study their face, not wanting to miss a moment of their reaction. The light in their eyes will tell you if all your saving/searching/making was worth it, if they understand that you're trying to say with this present, as with all presents: "I think you're wonderful"...
I recently read an article by Penelope Green in the New York Times entitled "The Gimme Guide", and it shocked me. Did you know, "..for the last five years, gift cards have been the most requested gift, according to surveys by the National Retail Foundation"? And that recipients "are treating loved ones like catalogs or department stores, brandishing lengthy wish lists, demanding gift cards or boldly asking for cash"? According to consumer research psychologist Kit Yarrow, "It's no longer about this special delightful something from me to you. More and more people have gotten mercenary about the whole thing." As sad as this all makes me, I understand a bit of it. I have very limited space, and very limited income. I don't have room to keep things I don't love/use, and I would love to receive things I need (but can't/won't buy for myself). Luckily, my family understands all this and gives me very small but lovely things. My mom in particular wants gifts to be magical, so she doesn't like to shop for a list, but does like to have an idea of what I need. For example, she's always afraid that I'll be cold, so it makes her happy to know that I have plenty of scarves but could use some new tights & socks. She always picks out the best stuff, surprising things I would never think of, things I use for years.
But as much as I can understand some aspect of asking for what you want, in general it seems to be missing the point. Thank goodness for Miss Manners, laying down the law: "Blatant greed is the No. 1 etiquette problem today... Most of my mail boils down to that. It's either from people who think there is a polite way to go begging, or victims who feel they have to comply. They are getting other people to do their shopping for them. They are exchanging shopping lists and paying for the milestones of life." Doesn't it sound tragic when phrased that way? Where's the spark, the magic, the risk?
Because when it comes down to it, giving someone a gift is a risk. It makes you vulnerable. It shows the recipient that you thought a lot about them, that you were paying attention, that you were listening and you remembered, that you truly see them. A gift given from the heart is exactly that: a little piece of your heart, just for them. Whether it's a painstakingly-sewn white-on-white tea towel for your mom's white kitchen or a crazy survival gadget for your safety-loving dad, all gifts are our humblest attempts to show people a tiny fraction of what they mean to us. And if you can do that with a lovingly-chosen gift card, I say go for it. Last year I was given a gift card to an incredible San Francisco vintage store: a dress museum, a holy place for someone who loves dresses as much as I do. I would never be able to afford anything there, but now I can, and I've visited the store a few times, just gazing and daydreaming. I haven't even spent the card yet but it's already given me so much joy. Someone knew me well.
I'm going to leave you with the wise, growly words of Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock: "Gift-giving is the purest expression of friendship. I'm going to think about what I know and like about you, and that will lead me to the perfect gift, and you will do the same."
And of course, Liz Lemon's equally-wise response: "So..bath salts in a coffee mug would be........not it."
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A great article. My extended family on both sides draws names, and it sometimes gets a bit "Hey what do you want? Okay I'll get you that", which is sad. I love gifting and really do put thought and effort into what I give people. Not that I'm complaining, I am very appreciative of any gifts bestowed upon me!
We're combining those ideas this year with a portion of my dad's side of the family. We're having a "roll for doubles" gift exchange, followed by a round of Yankee Swap, but the theme? $10 gift cards. I'm hoping we'll get more "cb2" and "Patina" and smaller shops that don't always get noticed than the standard "Target." Because that's what it's about - encouraging your friends and family to discover new things based on what you know about them.
We do a blind name drawing and have outlawed exchanges and gift cards. It really forces the other people to think about what they are getting each other. We also usually pick a theme, but this year since it's been hectic, we've gone with anything under $25.
I rarely ever do gift cards, but if I do, it's normally for a couple for a dinner establishment and a movie: basically a little night out to relax.
Yeah, I absolutely love finding The Perfect Gift for someone. It really is a lot harder but to me it's worth the effort. And once in a while, it is a gift certificate but it's for things like a restaurant I know he loves but can't really afford or that massage she really, really wants but doesn't think she can justify. I feel like it's cheating to use a wish list or gift registry. I understand why they're popular and I have used them in the past but it feels kind of meaningless whereas somthing not on the list feels more like a gift and less like an obligation.
I love gift giving. I really do spend the time trying to find "the perfect gift", and therefore get a bit sad when people don't do the same for me. It's not about the money spent, but about the thought that went into the gift. Gift cards are all about money, not thought (I couldn't think of what to get you, so I got you this gift card).
My MIL always gets me something awesome from an antique store or manages to find something really cool on ebay/etc. Last year? A set of 4 highball glasses from the Seattle World's Fair... so cool! She knows how much I miss "home". I try my best to do the same w/her - this year, a fun retro kitchen calendar from an artist in Austin. Yay etsy! Right up her alley, too.
I get where you're coming from, and I love trying to find the perfect gift for someone. I really put a lot of effort into it and think I'm a pretty good gift giver (though who knows, maybe my family is just filled with polite and talented actors).
...But there are certain people in my family who are not talented gift givers. I am always grateful, and thank them, because it is the thought that counts (though sometimes I'm baffled by what the thought was) but every year I end up with things, usually from the same people, that are extremely ill suited to my personality and will never see use, be they books on religions I am not part of, household goods I obviously already have, or paraphernalia from TV shows I have never seen. While it does bum me out a little that people don't seem to have given my gift as much thought as I gave theirs, it's not that I'm sad I didn't get loot. It's that this stuff was honestly a waste of money and I would have been happier if they'd just donated to the local animal rescue and gotten me nothing. But that's not not fun, because there's nothing to open, so it's not a thing that will happen. So, while I encourage people who are excellent gift givers to rock on with their surprises, in situations like these I'm not going to feel bad subtly directing people to a wish list, nor would I be offended if someone I didn't have a good idea for did the same to me.
There is an ad on tv where the husband and wife are so excited about the gift he is giving her. Both the giver and the recipient absolutely gush with anticipation. It's well done and makes me giggle.
Really KNOWING someone is key to giving them a welcome gift. I don't think that's often the case these days, when so much giving seems obligatory. (Note I said "seems". I have opted OUT of giving to people I don't feel I have a gift relationship with. Even in my family.)
My Dad is elderly and has everything he needs. I have lived a thousand miles away for thirty years, and have no idea any more what he likes or wants. So I crafted him a small token gift and that's it. I spend money to visit when I can.
My brother is out of work and in financial trouble. So I give him an handcrafted token and money, and he can use it as he chooses. (Same situation as Dad -- they live in the same town.)
But for my domestic partner, it's a combo. He earns more than 4 times my salary and can (and does) buy anything he wants. I used to make him put a moratorium on DVDs around the holidays, so I could at least get those, but he maintains a cart on Amazon.com and pre-orders things when they are announced! So I get him a few smaller things he'd never get himself, with varying degrees of success, and an Amazon gift card specifically to apply to DVD purchases. I'm not happy with this system, but it's the best I can work out.
I so hate getting something not to my taste or that I have to DEAL with (store, maintain, etc.) that I am very motivated to not do that to others. I remember this REALLY ugly vase...
I'm one of those people that really put a lot of thought and effort into giving someone something special. It doesn't have to be pricey (I can make a great gift out of nothing), just thoughtful. I enjoy having the gift receiver pause for a moment and think about the gift they've received. I think gift giving goes hand in hand with you being tuned into people around you, being a good listener, paying attention and just noticing things over all. Unfortunately, my husband is not like that at all. It really does break my heart every time because I feel like I put in all the effort into making everyone feel special and loved. Like the OP said, you're giving someone you like a little piece of your heart. It does hurt when you're not corresponded.
On that note, I'm not opposed to specialty gift cards. For example, if someone loves to bake, a gift card to Sur la Table or a gourmet bakery would be nice.
Regarding the article:
Yet they manage to stick in a consumer wish list at the end. Whatever.
Both my in-law family and my own family drew names this year. My own family specifically requested ideas for gifts whereas my husband's family never does. I've enjoyed choosing gifts for both. Even where there's a (very short in my dad's case) list, I enjoyed picking just the right one of whatever he wanted. And even where you're given a link to exactly the product desired, I find that coming up with a small personalised addition--like an ornament that also forms part of the wrapping--suffices to fill that need for something special and unexpected.
It can be disappointing when others don't approach gift-giving fervor as we do, but I don't think it's fair to expect that of everyone.
We don't exchange gifts with every family member, friend, co-worker in our lives. It's too costly and stressful. Over the years we've given more gifts than we've received, family + friends who say they'll drop by + exchange gifts DON'T these we save in the 'gift closet', also in there are gifts we've received that just isn't us.
Apparently I'm the best gift-giver in my circle of friends and both families. My family rule is, gifts on birthdays + weddings, but Christmas gifts are for children only BUT the whole family must be together for Christmas Day Lunch come, rain, hail or shine.
This year we've decided on 3 gifts each for our two children, 1 gift per god-child, 1 gift to each other + money gifts for our parents (culture). Whoever is hosting Christmas Day Lunch we give a gift too.
The savings generated we put towards a major purchase which is much needed for our home, thanks to Boxing Day Sales.
I'm from a family of gift list-makers. We put together a small list of books/movies/music we'd like and others can select a few from there. If they think up another gift, they can totally ignore the list. My mom's best friend and her family would shop without lists and usually after Christmas, they all returned items to various stores and got other gifts instead. I don't see how that makes a better Christmas.
I love gift giving. I really do spend the time trying to find "the perfect gift", and therefore get a bit sad when people don't do the same for me.
Ditto. It's so wonderful to see the slow realisation on the recipient's face, as they go from "Better get ready to fake smile in case this is crap" to genuine delight! And I enjoy shopping for things that will generate that response.
Unfortunately most of my friends and family are of the "pop into Target on Christmas Eve and do it all" school... so I have to do the fake smile a lot. Oh well, maybe I'll do better in my next life.
My boyfriend is not very good at coming up with ideas for gifts and the first time he had to get me one he went to the local brand drugstore and got me a gift certificate. The girl behind the counter asked who it was for and when he answered "my girlfriend" she promtly stuffed the bag with a bunch of small samples - thank you so much drug store girl it really did make for a better gift.
This holiday he is getting a pair of mittens because he is complaining about his hands being cold, his winter boots repaired and a waste basket for his office made of old cassette tapes and electrical ties. He makes music and are moving in in a couple of months where we are converting the extra room into offices for the both of us. Eventhough I put a lot of effort into his gifts I don't get disapointed at what he gets me because I know he's just not very good at gift giving as opposed to those who just don't care - the gas station givers others mentioned in the comments above - I have the perfect cure for those: when you open the gift and realize it's a gas station one give it back and say "no thank you." If they can't be bothered about what to get you, you can't be bother to accept their crap. Now it's VERY important that you are sure it's a gas station gift! If you do this to someone who really tried but just missed by 2 continents it will devastate them so use the power wisely Luke.