In the past, we've discussed the pros and cons of moving in together as well as the struggle of dividing furniture when a relationship goes bust. Recently, a good friend of ours broke up with her boyfriend and while they didn't live together per se, her apartment was certainly a reflection of their joint tastes. In many relationships, it becomes easy to lose a bit--or a lot--of yourself in the name of love; so what happens when it all falls apart and you have to redefine yourself? Well, one thing we've found to be therapeutic is to start with your home...
Here's a few tips that we've round up from family and friends:
• After you've wallowed in sweats, gotten a new haircut, and watched Pride & Prejudice enough times to quote most of the lines ("What are men compared to rocks and mountains?"), the first thing to do is clean. Some would say a deep clean. Either way, it certainly helps you get reacquainted with the little details of your home and feeling productive when you're done. Also helpful? Gutting the wardrobe and setting aside the cast-offs for Goodwill and/or selling.
• If you're a re-arranger, sometimes even the little things like moving a couch to the other wall or upgrading dingy wall plates can make a huge difference--and maybe open up possibilities of other layouts or styles that you may not have considered before.
• Make an effort to complete the small, nagging easy DIY fixes around your home (like sanding down a blob of dried paint on the cabinet face so it shuts properly, or spraying WD-40 on a creaky hinge).
Ultimately, redecorating or upgrading your home can be an exercise to help you rediscover yourself. The things you like and dislike may have changed, or the risks that you normally wouldn't take due to compromise (like reupholstering a sofa in pink or putting your entire Pez collection on display) can be reconsidered and reevaluated.
Got some tips to add or an post break-up decorating experience you'd like to share? Post it in the comments...
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Comments (18)
this is essentially what i'm doing with my fall cure.
we were together for two years, lived together 1, but really more like the full two, since she more or less moved in with me from the second month on. we just moved into our separate places to have more space to be young and not hibernate/nest/be "that" couple. and out of the blue i got dumped. mutual heartache. ouch.
it's been almost a month and i'm finally just starting on the "cleaning" phase. deep, deep cleaning. i took some before pictures of my room to document my progress.
The first thing I did when in my old apartment after he got his last load of crap was to paint the bedroom red... a deep red (Ralph Lauren Red Flannel, maybe?) It was quite cathartic. Happily I have new apartment, and a much much better boyfriend now.
what oddly perfect timing, AT. must stay busy during break-up. MUST FOCUS ON ANY/EVERYTHING ELSE. thank you.
I love high fidelity! What a perfect quote.
Redecorating and "cleaning" is definitely helpful in caring for yourself. Sorting through your stuff also helps you rediscover yourself.
Don't forget the healing power of laundry!
Smell is a very strong emotional stimulant. Wash all bed and bath linens, blankets, get new pillows, febreeze everything, get rid of the sweater that still "smells like him/her."
Then go out and get some new scents - candles, aroma diffusers, flowers - anything to let new air in! (literally)
smell! thats a great one.
I'm also a huge fan of re-arranging furniture (my husband knows im upset when i move stuff)
Lastly, i'd think about doing those fun gendered stuff with your spaces that you wouldn't normmaly do if you were decorating for two. I'm thinking of one friends beautiful lavender bathroom...
yes, perfect timing for me too!
my issue is slightly different, which is that i moved in to a new place at the beginning of our relationship and never quite finished it, on the theory that we were going to eventually move in together and we'd finish it together...
so now i'm finishing! and yes, i will be painting the accent portion of the kitchen island a big, bright PINK!
Weird, AT your timing is perfect. I am going through the beginning stages of the "D" word right now. Matter of fact he is moving his stuff out as we speak. It sucks. AT has been the perfect therapy for me. Thanks for bein there.
I moved into my current apartment after my ex and I broke up and I moved out of our shared apartment. I was basically starting from scratch -- we lived together our last year of college (which meant our breakup also came at a time of huge changes as we both graduated and started grad school), and most of our furniture was hand-me-downs from his parents, and the only joint purchase was a table I emphatically did not want.
My new (well, I've been here a year and a half now) apartment has a few hand-me-downs from my parents/grandparents, a few pieces I bought used and cheap, and only a couple things that were in our shared apartment. One thing I did was purposely choose a very girly sheet set (purple flowers) -- when we lived together, it took us forever to choose a duvet cover because we couldn't find anything we both liked. Picking things I didn't have to negotiate on was really cathartic -- I felt more optimistic about starting my new life without him.
If you've held off on something your ex would have hated (be it floating shelves or framing and hanging that rare Green Day poster), post-breakup is a great time to do it. All my friends do something like this after a breakup.
I *love* High Fidelity.
And I agree, the last major breakup I went through, redecorating was VERY healing.
YES. Revel in the freedom of being able to pick a paint color, or a video to watch, or a bottle of wine, or a sheet set, or, really, ANYTHING with absolutely no reference to anyone else's opinion. Every choice is yours to make when you are single, and sooner or later you find that it's at least a silverish lining. I bought my house after a giant breakup, after three years of having to negotiate every stupid thing every stupid day of my life.
Cooking. Get your kitchen in order, and make the things that you-and-you-alone like.
3 years. 2 living together. Ended mutually but with a lot of problems.
Watched Pride and Prejudice, Sex in the City, and several other Jane Austen films. I cleaned. Deep cleaned. Re-organized. Re-arranged. Cleaned again. Cleansed. Re-arranged. Re-hung shelves. Finished a desk make-over.
The best part is making every decision about my home without conference, though i did that before anyway (and no that isn't one of the reasons why we broke up).
The worst part, I can't get a new place because NYC is crazy difficult and expensive, and I'm working with extremely limited square footage.
Sigh, one day~!
I always used to buy brand new sheets after a break up. When I got dumped this past summer I did that among other 'nesting' things. Finally finished decorating the master bedroom of the house I bought FIVE years ago...AND hanging artwork. Maybe I'd been 'waiting' to see if I'd be doing these things with someone else eventually....but now that I've truly 'moved in' I feel more settled in my own skin - even if I AM single in a tough dating world!
I am a HUGE fan of buying new sheets post-relationship when you are ready to move on. It's very cathartic.
Add 'Becoming Jane' starring James McAvoy to the list of movies to watch post-breakup.