Go, Boris! Go, Boris's dad!

Go, Boris!

Love the sort of Tetris skyline in the kitchen tile.

Um, "the journey of setting boundaries with his parents" seems a BIT at odds with "the apartment is being renovated for the most part by Boris’ father,"
no?

I felt bad while watching the slideshow, as in every picture I'd see Boris' father slaving away, while Boris somehow "grows" through the process. Seems unfair to me.

What's up with showing pictures of the old apartment? And the place isn't finished, so why all the fuss?

I also agree with the Boris and his parents comments of patrick (the other one). Doesn't seem too independent to me to have your dad doing the work for you. Sheesh.

Would Boris's father like to adopt a daughter?

While I enjoyed the process of seeing this apt. transformed, I think the editorial makes the owner out to be yet another spoiled rich kid from the UES.

I have to discount this renovation as being less special simply because his parents basically bankrolled the apt. and renovation. That's the vibe from this posting.

Who wouldn't go wild given that type of latitude.
Prefer articles about those who have earned and learned their habitat based on sweet equity. I think that's what most of us on this wonderful site are doing.

I'm confused. the text above says "This time, he [Boris] wanted to try his hand at the entire unknown and incredibly challenging process." [of renovating the apt.]

but it looks like his dad is doing all the work.

When it comes to setting boundaries with parents, we all start in different places. it sounds like it was a big step for Boris to do the design, and what he's come up with is definitely not something his parents would have dreamed up--i like the black bathroom a lot.

if your dad was a carpenter-handyman who lived in your town, would you pay some stranger to do the job? i wouldn't. i'd trust my dad to do it right, and hope to learn from him by participating. Since Boris was probably taking the pictures, i wouldn't expect to see a lot of him.

i hope we'll get to see photos when the place is finished--it looks like it will be a lot of fun.

Maybe his dad really wanted to do the work. I think we'd better not leap to conclusions, here.

I'm kind of confused...but I really like the way the kitchen is coming along. Looks like you are on a great path to making a really blah (and kind of daunting) apartment beautiful!

I have known many young men like Boris -- the precious son (it's usually the son) of immigants. The parents give their all to the child with love and best intentions, but the children can *sometimes* become spoiled and arrogant as a result. There is a strange snobbery to it that is hard to pinpoint...my kid is too good to stuggle, or something. Boris is blessed. I hope he knows that.

Having had the purse strings cut before I left college, and having had to live in godawful digs or nowhere at all (for periods of time), having had to scramble my way through grad school, I find it hard to appreciate this situation. Makes me a little sour that a boy goes from mom and dad to buying a place (I assume with m&d's help). Dad should be supervising here, not slaving away. I hope Boris got his hands dirty doing this reno. I hope the parents have an ownership interest in the apartment. I hope he does his own laundry.

Having said that, here is my critique. The backsplash tile arrangement in the kitchen is clever, but should have been pushed over to the left (on that short counter) to match up with the counter edge-caps. Or edge pieces could be used in the color of the counter. In the bath, I would have saved that cool sink. I don't see how a (new)copper sink and glass tiles will marry with the tiles over the tub (though I do like the accent tiles there). The inset birch trunk is very cool, though.

In general, in a small space, one would try to have some realtionship between the kitchen colors and tiles and those in the bath. Not matching, but related. For instance, both in the same color group, or both using glass accents, or related accent tiles. The bath and kitchen here are too different, in my view.

Best of luck to Boris. God bless his parents.

I must be missing something. There were so few "after" photos--as if Boris was so anxious to show off that he couldn't wait until the work was done. Perhaps there should have been a little editorial restraint here, as in: send us some pictures of finished rooms and we'll be happy to show the befores. As for Boris's independence? Like the finished rooms, still amongst the missing.

can i hire your father Boris?!

I hate to say this because I don't want to diss her, and I mean no offense, but does anyone else think that Jill's voice is a little too strong in a lot of these inside outs?

If this is the case then maybe we are not getting a handle on the real Boris. Maybe, if he had written the text himself, we would not be jumping to conclusions because he would have said it differently.

Here a shot in the dark but perhaps Boris might not be physically capable of actually doing the work himself???? I think there is a backstory missing here that would clear up a lot of questions/speculations.

physically incapable?? i didnt see any kind of handicap access stuff going on in there. plus there's a bike in one of the photos.

about the actual apartment, i really hate the bathroom tile. yikes. sorry.

Not only does Boris appear to be able-bodied, but according to his website he has a degree from Princeton, was on the editorial staff of The New Yorker for 3 years, edited a collection of short stories about post-Communist Eastern Europe and has contributed to the NY Times, the Nation, New Republic etc etc.

This is just... weird.

oy.

oh, whoops. he's 27. he just LOOKS 40.

Enough already people. This is ugly and cruel. I doubt anyone here has familial relationships that could stand up to the unkind scrutiny of strangers.

I thought this website was about apartments and design, not judging someones relationship with their parents as told by a third party.

Boris, I like the tiles in the kitchen a lot, and think they make a very pleasant duo with the old cabs and sink (I love it that you kept them).

regards,
trillium

WOW you guys are harsh. The guy is an Ivy League writer...so he isn't a contractor too...so what.

That said you are asking for trouble calling this his "Act of Independence." And honestly I don't think its very nice looking. But fuck guys, its an "American Dream" success story so take it easy.

I think we are just reacting to how the stage was set on this, via the initial write-up. I just originally found it ironic more than anything else.

That, and the dearth of "Afters" makes it hard to jump up and down about the finished product. Since, um, there isn't one yet.

hey all. thanks for your comments. thought i'd weigh in with some additional info. the post was jill's. not sure why she thought it would be a good idea to post mid-renovation. there's quite a ways to go, not least because the original painting color scheme turned out to be a horrorshow!

as for the independence storyline, one of you mentioned, very correctly, the unique and quite counterintuitive challenges of being the only child of immigrants. in such families, very often, the parents are so invested in the success of their child that in fact they end up taking over his or her life, as they feel only they can ensure it goes well. and, of course, they are willing to define what "well" means only on their own terms. this is tragic in a way -- the best intentions gone awry. people who love their child dearly end up being able to show their love only by subsuming him. and when the child begs to spread his wings and try things his own way, it's interpreted by the parents as evidence of insufficient love toward them and their sacrifices, and the child is often made to feel very ungrateful. i don't mean to be condescending at all, but in truth almost no non-immigrant i've ever encountered has been able to fully grasp how extreme and almost pathological the dynamic really is. (if any of you know the fiction of Gary Shteyngart, it is a very good primer.)

so, for me, insisting on my own neighborhood (my folks chose the UES for my first apartment even though i was wishfully looking downtown) and my own color schemes and everything else felt like an act of great independence. and while my folks certainly helped with my first apartment, for which i'll always be grateful, the second one was all mine. i've paid for the apartment as well as every bit of the work, including the contractors, who put up all the tile. (my father is skim-coating and painting.)

as for my father, i'm grateful he's willing to help me. i never meant my efforts at self-definition to be an insult to my folks, never wanted to shut them out of my life. i only wanted some more opportunity to make my own decisions without being made to feel awful about it, and the apartment was an invaluable vehicle for that. and while i am, thankfully, able-bodied, i am pretty awful with a paintbrush, whereas my dad has got hands of gold. but i've been with him every step of the way, learning, which is all i've ever wanted -- as opposed to being shut out and having it done instead of me. plus, as i'm sure you can imagine, the freelance-journalist life leaves a lot to be desired in the salary department, so my father offering to help was a huge relief financially. (not to mention so reassuring that he was willing to help even though i'd insisted on my own way. nobody is incapable of evolving.)

in any case, it's really hard to provide sufficient context in this forum, and i also shouldn't turn this into about my life so much, but if any of you want to continue the discussion, feel free to e-mail me at borisfishman@gmail.com. thanks for all of your thoughts.

That is my point p2. Jill's write ups seemt to convey very strongly her view of the person and the apt so I don't think it's fair to judge a person based on, as trillium said and I intimated, a third party's intro that sets the stage and sets expectations that may not convey what the owner is like or wanted.

Anyone remember that inside out of a fairly non descript apt where jill crowned the guy king of renovators or somethnig. Again I am not trying to diss Jill but it is her views that come across first

Hmm... so the "American Dream" is to get daddy to take care of everything and then call it an "act of independence"? Interesting.

Hey Boris, I think you're lucky to have parents who love you that much. You are indeed caught between cultures, but you seem like you're headed in the right direction, and you obviously care about where you live---you would make a great neighbor, I'm sure. Good luck with the reno.

Ah, Boris. I'm not an only child of striving recent immigrants, by far, but you've described to a T the love-by-subsuming that I know first-hand.

And I know the freelance bit, too.

Boris--This is very much the story I would have guessed. I have a number of friends who are either first generation immigrants struggling with their children, or 2nd generation strugging with their parents -- independence means something different when your parents expect you to live at home, work in the family restaurant, get the law degree they had in the old country but couldn't use here, marry within the tribe, or whatever.

And Kestral, I doubt if dad the house-painter got Boris into Princeton or used his house-painter contacts to get Boris a job on the New Yorker. Get a sense of fucking proportion.

these open threads are getting to be tediously bitchy.

What's the matter, Matty, did I strike a nerve there? Swearing huh? How charming. When faced with an intelligent argument, swearing is the last refuge of fools.

Hey Boris,

Thanks so much for filling us in. It really helped to hear/read your perspective. And I'm really impressed that your response was so level, especially the snarkiness of some of the comments. I confess, I had a similar reaction as some others on the interpretation of "independence"... After reading your post I'm reminded of the complex family relationships that trouble most of my first generation American friends. One culture's "consideration" is another's "passive-aggressive".

What a difference context makes.

I think the uneven border of the tile is inspired, but since wende mentioned "tetris" I keep imagining them moving...

Boris, I suspect you got "profiled" in the intro instead of simply "presented". But I still hope you got your hands dirty on this reno. Manual labor is good for the soul, no matter how many degrees you have, and how poorly you paint.

from, overeducated and still a DIY-er

swearing is the last refuge of those who stoop to deal with the unconquerable stupidity of the troll, despite knowing better.

I think some people are jealous that Boris has a father who is so skilled and who will do all of that free work for his son! How great that would be...

From my experience, working on a project with a parent can be a lot of fun and creates great memories. My favourite memories are of my (now late) father and I chopping wood togehter. Sounds like a Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints commerical, I know.

Boris' father, I love the branch that you built into the wall in Boris' old apartment.

Nothing against Parents/Family/Boris, but this whole thing makes Boris sounds like a complete pussy.

I appreciate the fact he's a writer, and he can so eloquently justify WHY he's a pussy. But Boris, You ain't gonna get any better with that paintbrush by WATCHING (just ask your father).

Get some nerve. Tell your Father to stay home. I'm sure he'll be proud of you when he sees that you painted a wall all by yourself.

oh yeah, francisco, decorating is what separates the manly men from the pussies! no pussies here, uh-uh!

Wow. There's a lot of sniping and some apparent bitterness on this post. Bitterness is a poison pill you swallow and hope the other person dies

What difference does it make to you crowd that are complaining about Boris and his dad? Or people who get help from their parents?

And that folks feel it's fine to sit in judgement or surmise what's what on a short post like this on a person's character or situation just boggles the mind.

People...if you want to comment on the design or a treatment, etc someone does in their home, go for it. But to comment on their situation with their parents when you haven't a clue, show some self restraint.

For those who missed Jill's subtle point in her prose, I picked up that Boris parents were VERY involved in his life...and that he didn't necessarily ask for the level of involvement he gets.

I had a grandfather who insisted on doing any sort of repairs or home improvements for our family when he visited. He felt an immense amount of pride when he did something. But more importantly, his feelings got hurt if we called someone in. Heck, as he aged we'd know he wouldn't really be able to fix something and might ruin it, but we'd still let him do it knowing full well once he went back home we'd have to pay double to have someone come in and do it right.

So Boris, based on what I read and the pictures of your smiling dad, I think it's great you two are able to do this together.

Oh. And I agree, I'd love to see the AFTER pictures when the place is ready.

Geez, people, what's up with the nastiness? As a child of immigrants, I can tell you that, yes, it is quite a different experience--and my parents were fairly Westernized. I have two good friends who are Persian, and it is very difficult for them to become what Westerners would consider independent (even as women in their 30s), because their families just do NOT have the same standards. So, to me, Boris's explanation makes perfect sense.

My father is a tremendous handyman, but his father was so insanely talented that my dad thinks his talent is average. It's all relative. And if my dad lived around here, and offered to help me renovate, I'd jump on that offer.

And aren't we supposed to be judging the apartment, not the person? Personally, I love the birch branch. The kitchen tiles are not my style, but I think they are tremendously bright and cheerful.

Boris,

As a child of an immigrant family, I completely understand. Helping you out is a way of showing they care about you and being a part of your life. Nothing wrong with that. Congrats on the place. It is a huge undertaking nevertheless. You should feel proud.

H

Boris, why don't you post a picture of yourself lifting something so these people calm down.

Wow, the insensitivity to cultural diversity is devastating! No wonder we are forcing our version of "democracy" and "freedom" down the world's throat. Is the way we manage family relations also superior to all others?

If you only knew the reprecussions of rejecting a russian parent's offer of help! It's downright cruel, and Boris is loving and patient enough to respect that. As Boris and some others (thank you all) have pointed out, there are all kinds of challenges families who move to a new country with young children face when the children grow up assimilated. It's much more that a generation gap, believe me!

I know whereof I speak. When I proudly showed my mom the couch I bought for my first apartment, she cried, because she thought I should have picked out something different. (Incidentally, ten years later I still love it and so do my mostly american guests).

I would also point out that many russian parents find the idea of financially cutting off a child just starting out her adult life heartless. To them, being a family means being interdependent. The amount of assistance and time younger russians provide aging parents is also much greater than is considered the norm in the U.S., so it goes both ways.

And to conclude, everyone who lives in Manhattan and does not work in law, finance or medicine, can use all the help they can get, and there's no shame in that.

i second that, a russian sista. well said.

Boris,
I think the place is looking great - I think the dirt alone would have made me throw up my hands. Keep up the good work.

I think it is so sad that having your family help you out warrants character assassination on this site. I am not first generation - far, far from it, but my family is my biggest support system. Everyone in my family helps each other out all the time-"interdependent" is definately the word for it.

It is one thing for people to criticize design on this site, but is it really going to be a place where people who are willing to share are called "spoiled" and then insulted regarding his looks?

People-

Stop taking your anger out on Boris. He didn't write the piece. It's unfortunate that what should have been a nice story about a boy and his family transitioning into a new type of relationship came across is such a poor manner. That's the writer's fault, not Boris.

Boris, I'm very impressed with your response. Such a level head on such a young man. It's obvious that you were brought up to be respectful of ALL people, regardless of their views.

Susan

the birch is like a russian national tree, so it's a very sweet homage in the old apartment. I have the the birch branches from my wedding huppah leaning against the wall in my apartment.

regarding the new apartment - I think the kitchen tilework and colors are very interesting and reminiscent of old russian and european kitchens, in a warm and cozy way. I applaud you for making bold and original choices and not going with the trends everyone else is following.

your story is such a meaningful combination of "apartment" and "therapy".

Yeah, I kinda like it. By the way, since the contest is over, we're not really being asked to "judge the apartment" either, we're kind of just being invited over to have a look.

Anyway... I think that handy dads are great. I've enjoyed doing several home improvement projects actually WITH my dad; mainly at my folks' place and at my sister and her brood's place.

Boris and his dad obviously have a dynamic going that they're comfortable with, but I was very lucky that when I was a kid, my dad kind of explained what he was doing and let me help, and it helps me when I get some evil plan for my place or a friend's place, and I can pretty much figure out how to make things happen myself.

By the way, I think those black tiles in the bathroom are kind of wild-looking, in a good way, but you're gonna really have to clean them a lot, because darkness can breed mold pretty easily.

Boris--
Apologies if my first comment was disresepctful. As jp mentioned, I really was just reacting to the spin of the write-up.

Anyhow, you REALLY deserve kudos for "seeing past" the apartment's original condition... truly inspiring.

Make sure we see the end result!!

NOTE TO HATERS

No matter what your cultural background it seems normal and smart to have your family and friends help you with things they are good at and vice versa. Everybody's strong points and skills are different...

Ya know, what just about everyone fails to see is that the relationship that Boris has with his family is one that will never be broken and as such my guess is that Boris will take these values forward with his own family one day.

Perhaps many of you find this bizarre as in America the family dynamic is well, less than solid and enduring.

My father is an imigrant. His parents held a net under him and provided an army of support. He did so with me and I intend to do so with my children. We learn from our families and my guess is that Boris, while at times feels smothered will never doubt that family comes first regardless of the sacrifice or investment.

Now all that aside- I really would like to see how the place turns out. And Boris- please, if possible share the fiasco that was your paint scheme- perhaps some of us will learn from your mistake.

This entire thread has been very educational. I definitely appreciate the design-specific topics that this site brings, but I also tune in for the regional and cultural discussions of our community as well.

As the oldest son of immigrant parents and being an immigrant myself, I can appreciate the dynamic that Boris and others have described. However, it was still an eye-opener for me.

My siblings and I have learned to push against our parent's expectations and boundaries at an early age and like to think we live fairly independent lives. I think we all rebelled (A LOT) at some point. The process was transformative both for myself and my parents. I think the formative years of pain and strife now seem so minor compared to the positive relationship we now have.

I'm looking forward to having children and seeing them grow, rebel and become independent also.

Thomas

PS. I assume Boris is helping with the physical labor. That's how you strengthen your bond with others. By breaking bread and raising a barn with them.

littledebbiet--
But do you not see how the write-up sets the stage for misinterpretation?

OF COURSE we all want help, especially when our families hold true craftsmen in their ranks. But utilizing family (as any sort of a resource, labor, financial or otherwise) CAN BE interpreted as a bit of an oxymoron to "act of independence."

And I reiterate... this is primarily a perception based on the spin of the written intro... NOT intentional disrespect to Boris or Boris' family.

Boris,
Thank you for providing the context for this story. The partial information given in the original write-up left a lot of room for speculation and interpretation. It's too bad you weren't given the chance to write that bit yourself.

And Damn, you're even-tempered, responding with such equanimity to all this snark. You should be in diplomacy or hostage negotiation or something.

the problem with this write-up and Boris' situation is not one of his close-knit relationship with his family or the differences that come with being a second-generation only son.

the problem here is that it's REALLY HARD to see an over-priveliged and under-thought renovation of the apartment mommy and daddy bought you as being something worthy of a write up on a design blog.

most people in this city, country, and even world do not have the oppurtunity to buy (or have mommy and daddy buy) an apartment in one of the most coveted neighborhoods in one of the most expensive cities on the planet. most 27 year olds do not own their own homes. most first time home buyers do not hightail it to the swank tile and fixtures store before they even move in, or spend a year renovating the place they bought before they actually live in it.

also, the spirit of this redo is a big part of what annoys me. for instance the bathroom. slightly dated, but otherwise kind of acceptable, and with two really fascinating features - a shower door with a mermaid pattern! a totally cool sink! but since money is no object, we tear the interesting 'bones' out of the starter home and throw in a spendy tile job and brand new everything. because we want to, and daddy can.

this is what disgusts me about the reno, not Boris' close relationship with his family. as somebody who, at just a couple years younger than Boris, is just beginning to have furniture that didn't come from the street corner, i just find it a bit ridiculous to spend a year retiling your bathroom with both daddy's bank account and his free labor.

*providencial, but the life of an immigrant (and double for the son of the immigrants) IS constant hostage negotiations.

and *russian ...er...sista ("sista" doesn't look very russian to me; well I guess if you feel that's who you are you could call yourself a teapot for all I care):
I wish we, Americans, really exported more of our democratic values, tolerance and work ethics around the world, Russia included. "Cultural insensitivity" my ass (on the second thought..no it doesn't deserve come within 2 steps from my ass). Multicultural nonsense will be the death of this great country.

Boris, the bathroom tiles are fun (agree with Pat's critique, re: alignment @kitchen counter and color reference btwn kitchen and bath), and the sink looks very much coordinated with it; wall mosaics - not so much; they're part of different aesthetic (not so "earthy"). Would like to be proved wrong, of course - please, give us a chance to see the finished product.

It is great that your father helps you out; my biggest regret is that mine lives in the midwest and could only support myself by cheering on the phone during renovation of my own townhouse. [btw, a thought for rigid-thinkers: if somebody is described as a handyman and sometime house painter does not mean he was in fact a professor of medicine or a mill manager. Intricacies of the past foreign life, you see. My father used to be a lead engineer of a major pipeline - and he built our kitchen cabinets himself)

Also, Boris, your site is delightful. I was happy to recognize a past NY-er piece and to learn it is by you. Thank you.

Signed:
immigrant from Ukraine, naturalized American citizen for 14 yrs, daughter and mother of immigrants. (and an interior designer by trade)

oh, and Boris, something to remember:
Дуракам половину работы не показывают, as my very wise grandma used to say.

I think that we have _all_ grown a little bit since the original post. Thank you everyone for this journey of understanding and self realization. Apartment Therapy, indeed.

a russian sista,

just so you know, not everyone in law, medicine, or finance is guaranteed to make tons of money either. i thought that was a pretty big generalization you made in your post and i couldn't just let it go. i'm a doctor doing outreach work in the city and i can guarantee you that i am not buying a place anytime soon...and my student loan payments are about $900 per month!

My apologies to all I may have offended. I guess I don't possess Boris's level of diplomacy. I called myself a "sista" because I really identified with Boris's story, I felt a kinship. This moniker was supposed to be playful and a compliment to Boris. If he is a reader of Shteyngart, I think he'll understand my attempt at humor. The point is that if you are moved from one country to another as a child through no control of your own, you have to figure out your own identity. It's both a great burden to a child and a freedom.

I am also sorry for naming specific professions that, as a rule, tend to be better paying. Of course there are exceptions, but I expect most of those people would agree that there are severe injustices in New York City real estate market. In my book, if you are taking a huge pay-cut to help society, you should have an even greater apartment. I should have simply said that it's very hard for the middle class to afford a home in Manhattan.

The opoponax,

Did the post say Boris's parents bought him the apartment? Because I didn't see that. A Mitchell Lama apartment is an apartment that you need a certain (relatively low) income to qualify for, and I am assuming, since it doesn't say otherwise, that Boris qualified himself.

Maybe you should get on a list for it. And just fyi, if you are going to be bitter about everyone in NYC whose parents bought them an apartment, you'll be bitter a looong time, because there are tons of trust fund kids in this city. TONS. Unfortunately, I am not one, and I don't have time to spend being bitter over all the ones I know.

Here's a link on how to apply.

Go, Fiona!

Seeing as I'm, oh, what, three generations removed from my immigrant forefathers, I can STILL relate to this. If I were doing a renovation, my dad and brother (both contractors), would insist on making me do things their way and on helping. In fact, when I told my brother I want to paint my living room, he offered to drive and help. Even when I moved this last time, they travelled 4 hours to help, even after I hired movers. When I decided to move to the neighborhood I'm in now (edgy, in the city from the suburbs), I was yelled at on the phone--as if THEY were moving there. I agree, though, that this whole set-up took Boris's situation out of context and caused people to unfairly judge (I felt a twinge of meanness for a minute, too). We all need to just chill...

For those who don't read russian, a rough translation of the saying above:

Don't show fools a half-finished job.

The only good thing about the porn spam (that I hope will be pulled before anyone else is blessed with it) is that it makes my posts look in topic and relevant to the discussion.

My guess here is nobody reads fiction. The folks that commented on Jill's intro and Boris' reno. I don't think I've found one book yet whose contents matched up to the spiel on the back cover. In my mind anyway. I just read the first few pages and see if it appeals, regardless of the crapola on the back.

I'd been uprooted more times than I wanted to be, six times by sixth grade. There's a certain way of adapting to that, and there isn't a lot of independence for kids. Seems like by the time I'd figured out how to get to school and not be the shunned "new kid" it was time to move again.

The only chance I have of being "independent" is to be part of the witness protection plan, but I wouldn't put it past my mum to find me and send checks.

I was so proud of not cashing a check she'd given me last month, nothing broke down, no emergency repairs needed. Not that everything doesn't need a bunch of work, but...

The response?

"What? You're rich now? You're so rich you don't need the money?"

I didn't die of starvation. I didn't have the electricity turned off, the phone wasn't disconnected, the car runs (barely), and that's a good month for me.

But not cashing the check is seen as a rejection of family, of mother, I guess. You folks that ARE living independently have NO IDEA.

Yes, it's nice to have a net underneath when I fall. But that net also comes with a net over top. Sometimes that's comforting. Other times it's stifling.

Read again, this comment from Boris:
"i never meant my efforts at self-definition to be an insult to my folks, never wanted to shut them out of my life. i only wanted some more opportunity to make my own decisions without being made to feel awful about it, and the apartment was an invaluable vehicle for that."

All my original stuff in this apartment was pre-approved by my mum. It was! And I'm about 20 years older than Boris, this pre-approval occurred maybe 13-14 years ago.

I rather expect Boris and I will be dealing with our families in this manner indefinately. And it IS a dramatic act of independence to choose something we want on our own, without pre-approval that also doesn't end up offending our family in such a way they feel slighted, insulted, excluded, unappreciated, ignored.

My mum, she wants to clean when she visits. She wants to take laundry home. Ma...siddown...wouldya? This is her way of being a mother, and mothering and tending the nest. Anyplace I am will be considered her nest, part of her domain. She brings food. She brings cleaning things.

Boris did exactly what he needed to do. He DID make choices, HIS choices, and made his family feel a part of those choices by allowing them to help him with the various parts of the apartment.

He could not have remained "the good son" if he hadn't. "What? You don't need us anymore? How could I have raised such a boy? We give you everything and this is how you grow up?"

We don't generally pick and choose our families. Unless one subscribes to the belief of multiple lifetimes and being placed in a particular situation because there is an important lesson we must learn.

Either way, we still have to deal with what we are now experiencing.

Oh, geez, I would have LOVE LOVE LOVED to have those mermaid doors. I would have girlied up that bathroom like crazy.

The birch in the former apartment is TOTALLY COOL. I still haven't found a link I was looking for, that showed birch trunks mounted on the wall, near a window (

But if you did want to include that in your decor, you could do what they did with bamboo here:
http://www.ticobamboo.com/

In the picture that loads, you could put birch in a planter with a little quick-set concrete in the bottom for weight and stability and cover the rest in decorative stones.

These are propped on the wall: http://tinyurl.com/zj76w

anyway, Boris, I kind of understand why this is monumental for you, even if other folks don't.

Wow, what an interesting thread. I can't wait to see the house done either (although I liked the pink tiled bathroom too, but it's a pink thing with me). And here all this time, I thought this site was about design, not family dynamics and relationships, hmmmmm.....

Klynnnn, yeah, the site IS about design (I think), but there ARE family dynamics and relationships involved sometimes.
We just had a thread on how to get the husband on board for The Cure. And a whole lot of discussion on whether home design's focus is "getting laid". Which generally involves someone else, yes?

I've seen lots of posts on other boards (and some here too) where he likes one thing, and she likes something else. Couples that design their new space together and can't agree on a particular style. Parents that want their kids (teens) rooms to be a certain way and the teens want nothing to do with that style. Kids (adult kids) that want their parents to modernize.

Looking at some of the Small Cool entries and the comments for those entries, you'll see pressure to conform to someone else's expectations. As in "if you're here, and you enter, you should be of this kind of style."

Maybe the site is just supposed to be pretty pictures that appeal to a certain kind of person. That alone is of no interest to me. I can look at catalogs and websites on my own.

How a given individual in a certain set of circumstances deals with what they have available. THAT is interesting to me.

Andree--
I think it really unfair of you to say *anyone* in this year's Smallest Coolest Contest exhibitied conformity to someone else's expectations.

Patrick:

What? I'm not sure I know what you mean or you know what I mean.

The whole point of the contest was to have a small and cool apartment. The "cool" part was commented on by anyone who wished to comment, but the final decisions were made by the judges, who they themselves defined what was and wasn't cool.

The judges had expectations, as seen on their judge bios. They were LOOKING for certain things. And the judges, as well as commenting people, defined beauty through their own eyes/opinions/experiences.

I fail to meet your expectations because you have expectations that differ greatly from the place I was previously. Long posts chock full o' links was EXPECTED of me. Me in particular.

And the pressure to conform here on these comment areas has been VERY strong. How do you define "conform"?

Dictionary sense here works for me:
2 a : to be obedient or compliant — usually used with to b : to act in accordance with prevailing standards or customs

Why do you hate me so?

Um, what are we talking about... the contest and it entrants, or how you feel about the posting environment?

The implication to me (in the context of your post) of "conform" is to change one's standards, likes or dislikes... and that it has the slightest whiff of compromise (in the bad way) about it.

The entrants submitted, the judges judged. Nobody chnaged anything along the way (PLEASE don't start up again about Wayne's sofa...). The entries, for the most part, were highly personal and full of creativity. The judges were varied enough to have a wide variety of styles get their day in the sun. I don't see any of that as an example of "conforming."

I don't hate you at all. But it seems when anyone dares question you or your comments, you do take it tremendously personally.

And regarding your feeling pressure to conform to those who've asked for shorter posts, or more on-topic streams of thought, you've obviously chosen to still go your own way, which of course is "allowed". But what you see as pressure to conform is just really convention of the media...

If you were contributing a story to the New Yorker, would it be the same manuscript you passed on to Doubleday, hoping to get a novel published? And if you did, would you expect that the editors at The New Yorker would actually read it?

Patrick, it's the same thing..to me, the contest, the posting, the whole thing. There ARE expectations. There were even comments that SAID that the entry wasn't very "AT-looking". And I remember something about Shauna's that made me laugh, when she said something like she bought from "AT-approved sources" and someone else commented about they had hoped she'd fight it. Fight the comformity, is how I read that.

Yeah, I take stuff addressed to me personally. 'Cause it's personal. ;)

The last two magazines that asked me to write for them, only from reading my message board posts, sent me into such a tizzy that the mere thought upsets me. They wanted to FedEx contracts, and wanted me to count the words. I wasn't going to sit there and count the words.

Well, apparently there are magical programs that count words FOR a person, which I don't know how to use. They're called Word Processing Programs. Huh! How about that!

I was just going to send a big email and let them do whatever they wanted to it.

So, unless The New Yorker (whatever it is) and Doubleday are taking big email articles and novels, and they solicit me first, neither one of them will get a chance.

I read all the posts in this thread. No matter how long or how short. No matter what point of view they held. I generally skip over the banter in the Open Threads though. Unless I see a....

HELLLLOOOOOO Mr. X

and then I HAVE to check out the guy. At least we agree on some things. ;)

Actually, if you look back at the contests posts that you are paraphrasing, the conversation started by talking about "which entries best represent what AT is about". Which is a valid question (but a personal choice) when the voting criteria was so subjective, regarding a topic equally so.

You skip banter, some skip posts where you have to scroll past three windows worth of text.

My magazine-to-novel media example seems to have been lost on you. And yielded a response of 128 words.

But (so?) I give up.

I took what you said and amused myself.

And some of us have IMAX monitors allowing us to view the entire Internet at once.

Uh, I'm not really one of those people, though. I used to view everything at 640x480. I now view at something much larger.

You presuppose a novelist would be interested in writing short articles. Or visa versa. Some people just write novels. Some people just write short articles.

There is no character limit here. I have never been asked to shorten my responses or content by the website administrators. Nor have I seen the website administrators ask anyone else to shorten their posts.

I just write novels.

"And some of us have IMAX monitors allowing us to view the entire Internet at once.

Uh, I'm not really one of those people, though. I used to view everything at 640x480. I now view at something much larger."

Um, wtf?

But correct, the "website administrators" have not asked you.

Oh, criminy, you don't "sit there and count the words"!! You use the word-count tool.

Jean, I didn't know there WAS a word count tool. That's the point. I don't use the word processing program. I don't know how to do any word counting on this browser. I don't know how Patrick counted the words.

Patrick: How much scrolling you have to do to get by ANY longer post depends on your MONITOR RESOLUTION. I'm on 1024x768. On 640x480 I lose about half of every window. Meaning I would have to scroll a lot more.

I'm sure Boris is amused with the conversation. Because it's another illustration of trying to please others while trying to be yourself. And in being myself, I somehow always manage to step on someone's toes. The only way I'd manage not to annoy you, Patrick, is to shut up, leave, or be a little mouse in the corner, using few words.

Patrick (the other one) and Andree, I think you should take this show on the road. very funny.

Patrick(the other one) and Andree I think you are both nuts and need help. Fast.

As for Boris, thank you for your explanation which really wasn't needed as you weren't inviting AT to analyze your family just to take a look at your renovation. Folks on here should get a life and stop being jealous because some people have more than they do whether it be earned or inherited. I wish I had a dad or a family who cared as much. When I moved a few months ago, I did it on my own as not one familymemeber even offered to help.

Good luck with your renovation Boris.

Boris's dad seems like a really great guy, and a handy one to have around as well.
That before shot of the bathtub scares the bejeezus outta me though.
Good luck with the whole process!

... I realize this was like 5 years ago, but I find it UNPOSSIBLE that Andree was unfamiliar with MSWord. Was he using notepad? wtf.