Nobody likes waking up in the morning, but if you find yourself describing the process with words like "agonizing", "soul-deep loathing" or "simply impossible", you might want to check out these alarm clocks, which are deliberately designed to make you as miserable as possible in the morning, spurring you out of bed.
1. Time is Money
We wrote about the Shredder Clock, a concept that's meant to force you out of bed by shredding more of your precious cash the longer your sleep in. It's currently only a concept, but if you're enamored of the idea, you can hack one together with ease.
How evil is it on a scale of 1 (least) to 5 (most)? 3.5. You put the money in there, you know what's gonna happen. Just be sure to unplug it when you go out of town.
2. Hell on Wheels
Sure, the Clocky ($49.99) looks cute. But go past your alarm time and the little thing shoots off your side table and rolls around the floor, deliberately seeking out dark spaces to hide in. How cute do you think you'll find it when it's hiding under your dresser and you've just stubbed your toe in the dark?
How evil? 4. Looks are deceiving; its cuteness is probably the only thing preventing it from being smashed.
3. Pain in the Brain
It takes us a long time to shake off the sleep fog in the morning, a process that's helped by fresh air, sunlight, coffee and time. But if you want your brain to go from 0 to 100 in a split second, check out the Twist Equation Alarm Clock ($14.99). Nobody should be made to do equations that early in the morning, but luckily this one isn't too hard; the clock works by spinning numerical dials til the whole thing adds up.
How evil? 3. Why did they always schedule math classes for 8 AM?
4. Peer Pressure
This alarm clock's all in the name; it's called the Tyrant, and its job is to shame you out of bed every morning, whether you like it or not. Plug in your cell phone, and if the alarm keeps ringing it randomly dials a number in your contacts.
How evil? 4.5. Because not only do you have to suffer by waking up at the crack of dawn, now your friends, loved ones and business associates might have to, also.
5. You Snooze, You Lose
Like the Money Shredder, the SnūzNLūz ($39.99), one of ThinkGeek's notorious April Fool's jokes, hits you where it hurts - your wallet. This sucker connects to your bank account over WiFi and donates money to a charity or non-profit that you hate. Each snooze sends them $10. Currently unavailable, but ThinkGeek does sometimes make real-life versions of their parody products, so stay tuned.
How evil? 4. Sinister because it's silent, without even the whine of a shredder to rouse you from your slumber.
Do you have an evil alarm clock to recommend? Share it with Unplggd readers in the comments.
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#5's great in that it has a societal benefit!
Jason Yang: in what world is a donation to the GOP categorized as "societal benefit"? :-)
LMAO divellent!
Agreed!
sadly i doubt any of these would make me get out of bed. and i'd never buy them because i know it wouldn't make a bit of difference why torment myself further?
I have an evil alarm clock. It's a clock for deaf people. It can let out a 90 decibel alarm at any number of high or low tones, flash a light off and on, and (the kicker) comes with a vibrator to shake the entire bed.
You don't just wake up. You levitate.
I have to scare myself awake.
I used to put my headphones on fully blast, and put them under my pillow, and I chose a song that it extremly loud within the first second.
It worked everytime, it would wake up startled, with my heart pounding, as if I had a nightmare
Yeah, if somebody bought #4, plugged their phone in, didn't get up, and ended up waking me out of a sound sleep? That goes in my top five Friendship Dealbreakers (the rest being stuff like racism, sexism, homophobia, and Republicanism ;).
Bee T., Where did you get the clock for deaf people? That just might get my kid out of bed.
As an owner of clocky the top image is exactly how I feel.
But not for the reasons you may think - it's the alarm sound (i've never actually seen clocky move). It's so horrible that when I use clocky I wake up in a panic multiple times during the night in fear of it going off. It sounds like someone torturing R2-D2. It's terrible. :(
On the other hand I've never gotten up late with it!
I personally have one that has one of those little spincopters on it so right before my alarm goes off it will spin up and fly around the room. When the alarm goes off like an air raid siren you have to get up and up the spincopter back on before it will turn off...
Aww, but I love my clocky! I have it in the nursery right now (alarm off, of course) - not to mention they have a twitter account, so if something goes wrong, you can get tips on how to fix it yourself right away (like if you throw it against the wall on accident or something).
Alarm clocks kill dreams!
Wow, and I thought my previous one was evil enough...it shouts out "wake up! wake up!" in loud speaker level that it can be heard by my next door neighbors. Unfortunately, I can't throw it away coz it's my family's gift (hmm, there's a subtle message there, right?). Finally got rid of it when we moved and I think I sort of pretended that I couldn't find it, ha!
omg. these things. these people are SO CLEVER. i will buy all five of em ideas. yeah=)
These are freakin' hilarious!!! However, the best solution is to overhaul society so people can GET the sleep they need for both emotional and physical health. Just say no to self-enslavement!
Thank you Annie-O. well said. And I plan on going to bed earlier! Geez, the thought of waking up to hell, that must seriously impact your day.
alarm clock? i haven't had the need for one since i got my first cell phone many years ago. all i need is for it to be on vibrate on a hard surface or even just under my pillow.