I don't need a Buzzfeed quiz to tell me that the Mean Girls character I most identify with is the "she doesn't even go here"-girl. I just have a lot of feelings, OK? I talk to my plants like they're people. They're named after people, for goodness sake. And I can't let go of a chair or a car on Craiglist without feeling like I'm abandoning a member of my family. "Is he going to take care of Heidi the Honda? What if she has a miserable life with that guy?," I ask myself, as if the seats in my car would notice as I did (or even care) how filthy that guy's pants were.
I don't need to tell you, then, that I have a really hard time getting rid of spiders in my house. And there are many.
My current method is screaming across the house for somebody else to come handle Daddy Long Legs. My husband, though not totally heartless, manages to swiftly remove Daddy from the bathroom with a shoe and a tissue without worrying for the children our dearly departed Daddy is leaving behind.
But I work alone at home for most of the day, and covering each spider up with a cup to live his last hours inside a glass case of emotion isn't going to work for me forever. So I did the only thing I know how to do when faced with a problem that money can probably solve: Search "humane spider catcher" on Amazon hoping that my arachnophobic savior is a Prime-enabled 2-day shipping window away.
Spoiler alert: You are about to spend $20 on Amazon. Get your "add to cart" finger ready.
This is My Critter Catcher. A 4.5-star Amazon find that promises to safely catch and remove not only spiders, but also "roaches, scorpions, flies, crickets, stink bugs, millipedes, centipedes, wasps, yellow jackets, bees, moths" and other things I hope never to be any less than 27 inches away from ever again.
How it works is simple: You squeeze the handle to close the circle of bristles gently around the intruding insect like it's getting a bear hug from a hairbrush, then carry the thing outside with nervous arm outstretched, trying not to freak out before you make it to the far end of the garden, doing a few turns just to be safe before you unclench the handle to let the thing go and hope it has forgotten its way back to your bathroom.
Get it: My Critter Catcher, $19.99 on Amazon Prime
(You can also get $1 off My Critter Catcher when you buy 2 or more on The Grommet.)