There are many obvious advantages to living alone. However many of us prefer to live with roommates or our significant others. You can share the utilities, you can opt for a larger shared space, plus you have someone to hopefully share the responsibility of cleaning and decorating. Here are a few simple ways to keep the peace with your fellow housemates.
In the past I have had ten roommates- My first roommate was in the college Freshmen dorms and was actually an acquaintance of mine from high school. We were really lucky because we loved the same music, had the same style of clothes and were both really excited to be living in San Francisco on our own. Fast forward a few years to when I moved to New York- I lived with a friend in his studio for two months and later on moved in with my best friend. She and I got really lucky and found an awesome two bedroom brownstone in a really nice neighborhood in Brooklyn. Fast forward another few years, a couple more cities, and I landed myself in Los Angeles. My first LA roommate and I found each other via Craigslist. The rent was cheap ($500) and literally down the street from the Hollywood Bowl. When she left, another best friend of mine moved in and we were lucky because we had known each other since high school. Finally I moved again- into a ginormous 2000 square foot flat with two guys. I hadn't really lived intimately with men before, with the exception of an ex boyfriend. All these different apartments in various cities with many different types of people for roommates have taught me valuable lessons.
1. Communication is key! It's really important to live with people you can talk to easily. Whether you want to have a really close relationship with them or not, you still need to be able to tell them when you're not happy or if you are upset by something in the home.
2. Decide who is responsible for what: Often with just two roommates it's easy to just give and take the shared household duties. I have found living in a household of three, that someone always is doing more than the other two, and someone is always lazier about chores. Trust me, you don't want to be the only one who mops, cleans the windows, wipes down the kitchen and then you can't get your roommate to even take out the trash. If sharing the responsibilities cannot be split evenly, just delegate each week who does what.
3. Split the bills 50/50: If you have cable, internet, phone, electric, water and gas to share, it's easiest just to split it in half. One person might use more of the internet and never use the land line... but honestly this just gets messy. If you can move in knowing everything is split evenly it makes collecting checks alot easier every month. Also if you are the sole name on all the bills you will find it even more frustrating trying to collect down to the nearest dollar.
4. Respect each other's privacy: This probably seems like an obvious statement, but you'd be surprised what boundaries are blurred when living with people. Remember to knock first. Remember not everyone is a morning person. Try to be mindful of overnight guests. Always ask before borrowing, no matter how close you are.
5. If you're just not sure, put a lock on it: I know, it seems extreme to lock your own bedroom door but trust me it helps. If you are in a home with 3 or 4 people, who all work different schedules, all with different friends...well who knows what's happening when you're at work or away on weekends. If you want the ultimate protection of your room and belongings, just put a lock on your door.
6. Get it in writing: When you move in, you could be coming in mid-lease term or just for a sublet. The more you have in writing the better. Even it's a simple note that you both sign that states the terms of your stay, your deposit and monthly rental agreement. People can be pretty shady when it comes to moving out, and getting the deposit back to you properly.
7. Common annoyances among roommates: 1. Do your own dishes. You ate off them, you should do them. If one roommate mandates they be done right after eating, this is a respect issue and everyone should abide by it. 2. Same goes for taking out the trash- if it's piling up just take it out, don't wait for someone to assume responsibility of it. 3. Sharing the bathroom can always be a challenge. I know it's nuts but sometimes a verbal agreement or schedule is nice, especially if you both work the same hours.
8. Pets: Whether you're moving into a home with existing pets, or if you're bringing yours with you, it's important to establish the responsibility. Can you depend on your roommate to feed your dog if you stay out late? Do you want to be stuck cleaning the litter box of your roommates cat? All these are valid concerns that need to be addressed early on.
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The refrigerator can also be tricky - unless you and your roommates have an agreement that you share all food, do not "borrow" milk or any other staple while your roommate is out - especially bad if while "borrowing" said item you finish it and don't replace it before your roommate gets home. And if you do replace it, then replace it with the SAME brand that your roommate purchased - don't cheap out and get the generic version if your roommate had purchased name brand. Also, don't let your food rot, don't leave personal items in common areas, clean as you go, and don't get spiteful - if your roommate seems to be doing less than their share then be an adult and let them know how you feel.
My daughter rented a 2BR with a roomie who wanted the master with its large walk-in closet, ginormous attached bath, and her boyfriend was there A LOT--- but thought a 50/50 rent was fair.
My daughter was ok taking the small second bedroom with a tiny closet and the bathroom down the hall...but thought the girl with the suite (and bf) should pay more.
They worked out the cost per sq ft, ended up with a 60/40 split, and lived together peacefully for 3 years.
Aninhas: The refrigerator is probably my biggest complaint! We tried to do dedicated shelves... but if we don't keep them full, they get taken over. My husband and I currently have one shelf, while one roommate basically takes over the rest!
However, we're all really good about keeping the common areas clean, making sure maintenance is done, and attempting to communicate our needs. Granted, we do have a "dead-beat roommate," but I treat it like training for when I have kids, and when most of the maintenance falls on me and my husband, I roll with it since I plan to own a house someday. Sometimes just picking up the slack is easier than causing drama.
I agree with all of this, but what if, like me, you had an absolutely craaaazy roommate?
I mean, it took her 6 months to break up with this dude and every time I'd come home she was screaming, crying, and throwing things in her bedroom.
They finally broke up. Then she got a new boyfriend and got into it with his roommate (can't imagine HOW) and would come home drunk, screaming, and throwing things.
Over-the-top, sowing-wild-oats-left-and-right, batsh*t crazy drama queen. I tried my best to communicate, both calmly and a bit more forcefully, but at the end of the day I still got screwed with the responsibility of cleaning the place on move-out day (one year she was "busy" with a new job and the next year she was out of the country).
Moral of the story: try to avoid rooming with crazy people. From the pictures, it looks like pie and being beautiful is the answer.
@asmallcontempt-
Uh, why did you live with her for 2 years?
Interesting post, but have you any tips for keeping the peace with long-term visiting in-laws? When your spouse is away for weeks at a time for work? Please? haha.
I would say not allowing parents to stay at the place. Renting with numerous people doesn't offer very much space and I don't want to feel awkward walking around my house because someone has their rents up for the weekend.
i think it's important to recognize strengths and weaknesses and adjust responsibilities accordingly. for example, i rarely do the dishes. i renew my efforts every month, but every month i fall short, so my boyfriend ends up cleaning my share. the flip side is that i cook and i do most of the grocery shopping, which my boyfriend hates. i usually keep the bathroom clean and organized as well. he's okay with doing the dishes, as long as i pull my weight elsewhere. i had this problem with previous roomies who, instead of allowing me to work out an exchange of labour, ended up with many dirty dishes and a dirty bathroom. certainly it's ideal if everyone can do their part in their own section, but at some point you have to be realistic if there are regular problems surfacing.
Totally agree with getting a lock for the door! Even if your roommates are trustworthy, you can never be sure who they're bringing over.
One thing that helped us was to have a cleaning schedule. We'd alternate every weekend, and wrote down a list of everything that had to be cleaned.
"If one roommate mandates they be done right after eating, this is a respect issue and everyone should abide by it."
This definitely reads like it was written by the roommate who mandates the dishes be done immediately. ;)
T&C (Our Corner House):
The problem with living with people all the time is that it's considered rude to say, "I'm sick of spending every waking moment in your company. I just want to enjoy some private time in my own home."
This is exactly the kind of situation that the "polite fiction" is intended to resolve. In times gone by, women would claim to "have the vapors" when they needed to be alone or to refuse a social invitation.
You need a more modern "polite fiction." Tailor the following to your own circumstances:
Have you ever wanted to write a novel? Well, even if you haven't, now's the time to begin. I suggest this because writing a novel is a fabulous way to get some privacy in your own space. It doesn't actually matter if you are writing the novel. What matters is that you declare a particular space to be your "office" and that you make it -- and yourself -- off limits during certain hours, to be determined by you as you please.
Pick a space you can close off, and STICK TO YOUR GUNS about your privacy during that time. They will knock, ask questions, and resist like crazy that you want to be alone while they are in the house. You MUST kindly, firmly, and politely rebuff all attempts to get you to take a break from your "writing time". After a while, they will accept it.
Do you have to write a novel? Of course not. You could do all sorts of things that you want to do. All of those things are "research". "One of my characters is a seamstress, so I'm doing sewing projects this month to research her character." "I have to go to the library today to do research." "I'm going to a coffee shop to do some people watching to develop characters." All of the above are legitimate techniques writers use to work.
Who knows, you might end up actually writing and publishing a novel! Publishers are always looking for new romance authors. :-)
Had a roommate once.. foolishly made no cleaning plan upfront.. After a couple months of being the only one who cleaned anything.. I suggested we set a cleaning schedule. She agreed, but informed me that the only areas she felt needed to be cleaned regularly were the bathroom and kitchen (because they get "gross"), and that dust and dirty floors were not a big enough deal for her to worry about. Her reasoning: If I am paying to live on my own, I want to have fun, and not have to worry about cleaning all the time.
We lived together for 8 months. She cleaned the bathroom ONCE. As far as I could tell, that was all the cleaning she ever did. I ended up spending every sunday morning cleaning for two (and her messy bf). I honestly don't even think she noticed.
I now, happily, live alone.
I had a roommate I didn't like so I sprayed Dettol on her fruit, peed on her toothbrush and used up all the hot water before her shower. She moved out a week before I upped my tactics. Score score score. It was justified- she was racist, spoke too loudly and ate toast without a plate.
Even if you have the same idea about what cleanliness means, it's also important to have the same (or compatible) cleaning styles.
For example, I pick up after myself as I go. If I'm waiting for a pot to boil, I'll scrub down the counters or the inside of the microwave; if I'm watching a TV show, I'll dust during commercials; while I'm brushing my teeth, I'll Windex the bathroom mirrors -- you get the idea. If I see something in a common area, I take care of it in the moment.
I had a roommate who was the opposite. She threw something at the trash and missed, spat toothpaste all over the sink, exploded something in the microwave, pulled half her clothes off their hangers? Oh well, she would get to it later. To her credit, she did -- but that meant she had to devote a couple hours to it every Sunday. My room didn't get dirty in the first place, so a quick pass with the vacuum and it was good. So of course, she spent half the time complaining about how much work she did ;)
I also think "If one roommate mandates they be done right after eating, this is a respect issue and everyone should abide by it" is funny. Unless it's something obviously unsanitary like "no half-eaten pizzas left sitting on the coffee table," nobody gets to enforce unilateral mandates. What isn't "a respect issue"?
(Of course, that's coming from the perspective of someone who thinks it's reasonable to leave dishes in the sink for a day as long as they're either rinsed or soaking. Nasty food remnants are no good, but otherwise...if it takes 24 hours to scrub them, not a huge deal.)
I'm about to move into an apartment and the girl I'm living with will be there this entire month, but I won't be there until next month. She wants me to pay for this months bills even though I won't be there until after the billing cycle is complete. How do I talk to her about this?
about the dishes: I actually am on the more casual side when it comes to dishes. I think leaving them til the next morning, or even a few hours til the next meal is fine...but I've lived with people insist they be done immediately. I've also lived with people who leave them there for a week. So I think that the rule is a good one to go by if someone insists, just to keep the peace :)
My question is, how can I meet Laura? As a photographer and a guy that lives in Los Angeles, she looks amazing!
I think there is a point where you just have to realize you cannot live with particular people because your definition of things like "cleanliness" just don't match.
My roommate always makes sure to inform me of things like "I did my dishes!" "I bought another roll of paper towels!" "I swept the floor today!" It's a rare occurrence that these things happen, so I suppose that makes it a celebration? Though for someone (me) who does these things on a regular basis and does not feel the need to ask for a gold star (because these are the things adults do because they have to, not because they get a prize for it) it just makes me bitter (particularly because she half-asses things a lot - a swept floor is still a dirty floor, finishing dishes involves leaving a few in the sink still, etc.).
Nothing is worse than feeling like you are your roommate's parent. I'm moving out as soon as I can afford to live on my own. I like the earlier comment on saying you need "writing time." Nothing is worse than a long busy day at work followed by an evening of listening to (right after I walk in the door) "what my roommate did today" with no reference to how my day went and how much I might want some me time.
This is a good post with some good comments as well. I've lived with 3 roommates for the last 2 years, and it's mostly great. The main problems are the usual suspects: DISHES, the refrigerator, and quiet time. I wake up for work at 4:30am every day, so you know it took a while to "train" my housemates to tread lightly up and down the stairs at night.
The roommate I had before my husband was a guy, and I taught him a number of things about cleaning up after himself. He taught me to chill out more, and we settled our differences with various Nerf products.When he or I came home to a hail of Nerf bullets, we had to talk. It was a surprisingly efficient, and hilarious, way to break the ice.
Once I moved out, and he replaced me with a male roommate, he called me and told me that he now completely understood why I was so annoyed and after him all the time to tidy up. Boys can be messy!
That said, if the budget allows for it, a cleaning lady twice a month would probably solve scores of roommate problems.
Never put anything solely in your name, or agree to being paid back "later." In the worst case scenario you'll have a falling out and never get repaid, but even in better conditions the exact amount might be forgotten and never paid.
I think that if I ever have a roommate again, I'll suggest separate toilet paper rolls, so we don't have to bother mapping out whose turn it is to buy more paper, factoring in different priced brands and different sized packages, etc.
Also, if possible, find a place with a dishwasher. When living with other people, this will add more to your quality of life than having a large room or other appealing apartment qualities.
I've had some tedious and terrific room mates so I won't repeat what other posters have written.
One of the best 'set ups' I've had was room mates was regarding sharing the cost of shared products in the house. We figured these were 'shared' because it was silly to have doubles of cleaning products, food that goes off and condiments.
These were loo roll (toilet paper), bread, butter, milk, builders tea, sugar, coffee and cleaning products, salt & pepper and herbs & spices. We had a small kitty that everyone put 5 bucks into every week to cover those things. I worked well for us.
Another thing a lot of folk did in college was that in a house of say four students, each student would buy & cook the meal on their 'day' for the whole house. Then everyone was about to help clean up. Since most students go home at the weekends that meant that they would only do this Mon-Thur.
Oops, sorry for errors, I meant to say 'I've had WITH room mates' and 'IT worked well..'
The comment box is so small and I forget to preview (blush).
Cleaning is always an issue, even when you're not just roommates. A recent ex never cleaned anything, save for the occasional load of dishes. It wasn't until after he'd moved out that his friends informed me how horrible it had been for them to live with him.
Another tip: If you are a bit of a greenie, and you try to be a green consumer, try to live with people who have a similar attitude. If you're the kind of person who switches off lights when they leave a room, is thoughtful about heating & cooling energy consumption, only buys recycled toilet paper & green cleaners, etc, it can be MADDENING to live with someone who blithely wastes energy in every imaginable way and gives no thought to the consequences of their consumer choices. This is a handy little guide to navigating this kind of thing, written by a friend of mine: http://www.greenrenters.org/opinion/can-you-share-house-someone-who-isnt-green