Cleaning habits.

You bring up an important issue when you say how you'd rather wait for just the right thing at the right price, even if that means going without for a long time. I'm glad my husband and I are on the same page of being okay with delayed gratification in certain situations and wanting instant gratification in others.

The other make it or break it thing for me is whether or not someone can be generous at the right time. My sibling can be such a mooch (off me, off our parents) that it drives me crazy! I'm okay with buying drinks, just not *every single round of drinks*. Get my metaphor?

I read an interview once with Samantha Bee and Jason Jones, the married correspondents from The Daily Show. They said the secret to everything was being able to agree on what constitutes a clean room. Of course at first it looks like a joke, coming from a couple of comedians, but the more I think about living with my partner, the more it is actually just true.
Also, it's good to be honest about how much you steal covers and/or kick at night. Have extra blankets and just accept that one of you will always be a bedhog. It's a good life.

Pull credit reports and have a frank discussion about finances.

I had a roommate who had a different girl in bed every weekend and they weren't quiet about it either. He also would make these large dinner parties without asking the other 2 room mates if we had plans. I was much younger then and didn't know who to approach it so I became very bitter. If it were today, there would be a discussion.
This is why for the past 21 years I've lived alone and love it.
If I had to live with someone now, I think they would be so many rules that they would back out of the arrangement. When you live alone for so long, it's tough to compromise. I'm not interested in getting married nor living with someone but that may be because of age as well. When you are younger, I think you might over look alot.

Uh oh. Confession time.

Initially my thoughts were to be honest and compassionate with both your partner/flatmate and yourself. It sounds simple, but it's not.

Some of us find it easier to do things for others than for ourselves. If that starts into a path of pleasing your partner/flatmate, then what happens when you run out of everything you give and have to take a stand? Some of us learn that balance the hard way. And it's not always easy to see in the early fascination stages. Does that make me dishonest with myself? With my partner? Both?

I guess I'd rather someone knew my flaws ahead of time. If someone says they are forgiving and accepting, it's one thing to say the words. They are wonderful traits, but what will happen when they're put to the test?

I guess it's supposed to be a learning experience? So far, it's not just learning about the other person but about myself as well.

Cleaning habits, seconded.

Definitely try to get a feel for whether people are able to keep discussions about disagreements civil. Invariably there will be some disagreements, and you don't want to deal with someone who goes batshit insane if you forget to put the toilet lid down or buy windex when it's your turn, etc.

Also, it might be best not to move in with a rabid Communist/Libertarian/Socialist/Objectivist/Born-Again Christian if your political or religious beliefs will make it really, really hard to interact with that person on a friendly level. You may think it doesn't matter with anonymous roommates if you rarely interact, but eventually you'll hear them on the phone with their friends, and if hearing them gush about Obama (or Ayn Rand) really gets your goat, don't put yourself in that position in the first place.

You know, in retrospect I should have just posted about the real Achilles' heel of cohabitation - which way around the toilet paper goes on the roller. ;)

I second finances. Talk about it before so it's not an awkward or angry conversation later on.

Eating habits... as silly as it may sound, my boyfriend and I tend to argue over who ate what food. We split the grocery bill because we are often preparing and eating meals together, but he has a habit of eating everything in one sitting. For instance, I'll buy 10 apples, anticipating that I will have a couple for snacks in the car throughout the week, but he will eat them all within 24 hours. Same with ice cream... for some reason the whole contained must be eaten as fast as possible. More than anything, it's just become annoying. Then again, I don't think he would have admitted this to me beforehand (he's hardly aware of it). Cest la vie.

I totally agree on deciding what constitutes a clean room. It's surprisingly important!

When my husband and I moved in together (as bf/gf, before we got engaged), I was genuinely concerned that we would suck at living together. I'd always lived with roommates, but he'd been living alone for years, so he had to readjust to having someone in his space again. Fortunately for him, I moved in and promptly went on a ski trip with some girlfriends, so he had a weekend to adjust to my stuff without me there.

That said, we learned the importance of delegating, discussing each person's pet peeves as they came up, and assigning a few chores so that no one could say "you never do anything..." because it simply wasn't true.

Another solution is to arm each roommate with Nerf products. I lived with one roommate for two years and we both knew something had to be discussed when we opened the door to a hail of Nerf bullets.

Vocalize expectations, values, and compromises from the start.

If I'm expected to make dinner, I expect you to clean it up after. But if I don't vocalize that, how will you know? That's when the melt down over simple tasks happens. If I value a clean house, but you value a lazy afternoon-- we need to compromise. A compromise from both for an hour of both cleaning, helps us both have a lazy afternoon.

But sometimes as silly as it sounds you just need to talk it out about who takes the trash out, or otherwise you realize one day it hasn't been taken out in weeks because you're both expecting the other to do it.

I want someone who takes the moral high-ground....... honesty and trust-worthiness trumps everything else

TOTALLY!

a willingness to talk about issues as they affect you, and not just waiting until they make you explode. my live-in boyfriend likes to have the tv on it the background, whereas i prefer to have music on. we now take turns case-by-case.

it's also important to know what battles to pick and how. i had a roommate who complained about how little i did the dishes. i tried and i tried but i could never do them enough for her - she wasn't being unreasonable, i just really hate doing the dishes and i was busy enough that i could avoid the mess. she finally exploded at me, and i told her i was trying, and that i'd try harder. i also offered to pick up the slack elsewhere because if i'm going to avoid the dishes, i may was well find some way to pull my weight. that didn't fly, but we did have a really clean bathroom!

Cleaning habits, finances, and things that really get you - if you hate certain kinds of music, make sure your room mates do too. If you feel strongly about politics, make sure they don't listen to political talk shows you dislike. If you HAVE to go to bed early, don't move in with a night owl. Or if you still want to move in with that person come up with a plan on how to deal with it.

I think it's good to know where each of you stand - have a talk beforehand just about the fact that you will be housemates, and get an idea of what you both expect.
It might be the practical aspects of how 'clean' you expect things to be, or who showers when, and how to split up chores, or whether to pool groceries.
Or just get a feel for whether your housemate wants minimal contact, and just someone to share the rent... or maybe they're looking for a friend, for a more shared experience.

Obviously you should align (well-enough) on big things like finances, politics, religion, etc...

I found it's easier to get along with my spouse than all my other roommates, and not just because we love each other. With a roommate, people tend to let little things go unsaid, then things get passive-aggressive, just to avoid a confrontation. Whereas, with my spouse, I'll just say what's bugging me and he does the same. Yes, it leads to the occasional nag fight, but in the end everything's out in the open.

Also, best piece of advice for co-habitating (whether romantic or platonic): if it's important to you, DO IT. If you want the bills handled a certain way, you pay the bills. If you couldn't bother to load the dishwasher often, maybe that's the other person's chore. You'll save yourself time and headache by not nagging the other person to do it your way. And yes, I struggle to practice this, too :)

Dude! Your bf has a problem. Was he deprived growing up? Does he have 10 brothers and sister and had to fight for food? What gives? That is not normal.

Expectations about overnight sleepovers.

The biggest conflict I've ever had with a roommate was that I considered boyfriend sleepovers in our small apartment to be acceptable 2-3 times a week (less during weekdays) and she considered 3-5 acceptable. It can be good to clear this up before moving in and before all the people are dating someone as an introvert like me needs a lot of space particularly on weeknights.

For partners, definitely how much togetherness the other person needs. I'm an introvert and my late husband was an extrovert, and it was really difficult for him to understand that it wasn't a personal rejection when I went into another room to read or listen to music alone (and for me to understand that he wasn't deliberately trying to drive me crazy by coming in and talking to me).

Cleaning habits, definitely, as others have mentioned. But also, are you a hot sleeper or a cool sleeper? If you're sharing a bed/room with someone, the whole heater, duvet, windows open or closed thing is an issue year round if you end up with someone who has a different tolerance for heat or cold.

Trust me, it's not pretty until you manage to find a solution that works for both of you.

To build on what Eeeesa said, it's really important to have a conversation about how much alone time you need. This goes for both platonic roommates and couples. If you can't compromise and work out a system, the person who needs more alone time is going to feel frustrated and grumpy, and the person who needs less alone time is going to feel ignored.

If you are really in love, none of this BS matters. If you communicate well and compromise well, none of this matters. If you don't have that kind of love or communication then just enjoy living alone instead of with someone else.

I guess thorndale has never had to get a roommate to share expenses? Or never been annoyed by a partner? Hilarious.

No, this stuff still matters. "Love" isn't a magical bean that will make everything better. You have to work for it, too. Communication and compromise are part of learning to be around each other on a more permanent basis. It's simplistic to say that none of it matters if you're really in love.

For instance, maybe you agree with each other politically, but one side of the family doesn't. Cohabitating means that you are expected to host that family together and you're going to need to discuss how you'll handle that. What if you're all but married and a family member needs money, or a place to stay? How well you know each other beforehand will tell you how you'll both handle these issues as they come up. Love isn't going to cure everything. Your brother might need help, but you can't be naive and think that because your boyfriend/girlfriend loves you, they'll open up the bank account or give them cart blache to stay in the living room for a month.

Carte blanche. Keyboard fail.

Oh Thorndale, it's just not that easy. It's a nice dream though.
I would hazard to guess that all habits need to be discussed. But not to the point of a contract like on Big Bang Theory.

Everyone has such good suggestions! I definitely like (and didn't think of) the "alone time" conversation. Sometimes you just don't want someone at your side 24/7 - so please don't be offended if I go into a room and shut the door for awhile! My biggest concern would probably be about food which is also a monetary thing as well. I personally can't stand paying for things that I never get to eat. So if your boyfriend can eat an entire bag of Doritos in one sitting, maybe that is something he should pay for himself :)

A quick background check!

I actually kind of think this is more important for finding the perfect roommate than making sure you can live with your significant other! But maybe I'm saying that because although my boyfriend is messy and cluttery, he's very handy and cleans up after he cooks. You know, the important things.

Although I've come to deal with some of my partner's shortcomings with clutter, past roommates are a different story. Some of the best roommates I've ever had had the same philosophy as me about cleanliness — especially in the kitchen — and respected that.

I think what helped my boyfriend and I is that we had a "sleeping over" relationship for a long time — which is apparently a trend among young college-aged couples. We both had our separate places, but he would stay at my place 3-4 nights a week (mostly because he lived outside of town, but also because we enjoyed each other's company!). A lot of the things we noticed would upset each other were things that were ingrained into the way our families worked — for example, in my family, if you make dinner, you clean up after. In his family, though, if you make dinner, someone else is in charge of the mess. So being able to notice those little nuances before moving in with each other was very helpful.

Ive had my share of roommates, some amazing and others you can't wait to not live with again. Its always seems to come down to boundaries, what each person is comfortable with whether it be guest, casual, overnight or visitors and what they want to share. Its easy to assume bedrooms are private but I've had roommates just enter at will to talk, grab clothing or even borrow the bathroom that is only connected to my room. Once a comfort level is set it flows. They have these charts made for college students during move in to help set a balance in a new space with new people, they work well and get people talking but doesn't come off as over the top.

Find out what their friends and family are like because, chances are, you'll be seeing a lot of them. It would be unreasonable to not allow partners/flatmates have people over/to stay just because you don't get on with them.

Do you mean romantic partners?
Then I think the householdy stuff will be a minor issue, can be arranged, compromised on, avoided by getting a cleaner in, etc.
I bet we all know a former dog hater who ended up adopting a big stinky hairy messy dog and loving him to bits and accepting the smell, the hair, the mud etc. Same with men for the most part.

I think the same level of honesty is important. If the partner ends up becoming a spouse and children ensue, then that is when it is critical to know that they will instill the same moral principles in the child as you would. Not something I would have said, or maybe even thought of, pre-children, but when you realise that you, the parents, are almost solely responsible for the child's understanding of right and wrong and good and bad, then it suddenly becomes a huge issue.
Money depends on personal circumstances. I earn vastly more than my husband, so it seems petty to demand his money, so I don't. Stupid maybe, but there it is. He works hard too, just gets less for his efforts.

On a lighter note, opposites is good too. I am an obsessive decorator, repaint rooms multiple times in a year and it is good to have a husband who doesn't care and doesn't even notice. I can do what i want when I want. Yeah!!! I have friends who fight for years over what kind of shower curtain to put up.....

In addition to the finances and cleanliness issues, which I do agree are the most important, discussing how/when you will use shared spaces like the bathroom and kitchen. If you have to share a bathroom, and you both shower in the morning, how will you figure out who gets the bathroom when? Same with the kitchen: are you going to share meals, if not, is there space for both of you to work at the same time? Clear communication is important, but it's also necessary to be sure you're on the same page for open communication (and what that entails) when going in.

Sometimes no matter what you already know about someone doesn't stop you from being annoyed. It might not even stop a fight from happening over how jelly got into the peanut butter jar. So I think also having rules for a fight are a good idea too. It might not always work when emotions get high but its worth a try for anyone.
My and my husbands rules are:
1. Write down what is bothering you. Sometimes you dont get to say what you want because you get side tracked.
2. Sit down at the kitchen table. ]
3. Try not to raise your voice.

I agree wholeheartedly about negotiating alone time as it is my top concern. Extroverts who want to spend every weekend in West Virginia in a rented house with five other couples are a bad match for introverts who want quietude at home on the weekend. Okay, that was personal but still....

As an insomniac with ADD, I cannot adequately express how valuable headphones are to a roommate relationship. Every little thing wakes me up or distracts me so I always appreciate roommates who are willing to break out the headphones so I don't have to listen to their movie while unsuccessfully trying to write a paper. It's not that I'm a princess and I think everyone should adjust their lives to suit me. I do not have the physical ability to focus or sleep when my roommates have people over late at night or whatever else might cause noise. Current roommate could sleep through an earthquake, so our situation is definitely not ideal.

Credit history and will you both be paying your fair share
Cleaning habits (especially dishes or dirty socks under the coffee table)
Will you be allowed to be the decorator or do you have similar styles
Do both of you cook or is one of you unknowingly signing up to be the resident chef

I cohabitated with a dude who LITERALLY had an empty closet because he kept all his clothes in a pile on the floor. And I can only echo all the folks who've mentioned cleaning ... if you're moving in with someone, make sure they don't think it's going to be exclusively YOUR job (because "we have different standards about what constitutes 'clean'...) Same thing with clutter.

I've lived alone for the last 20 years. I'm not opposed to marriage or living together, but my ideal situation would be to maintain "his and her" homes, spend dinners and weekends together, but live separately. I would even consider marriage if we could have two households! My son is grown and living on his own for the last seven years and I haven't had to launder any clothes but mine. I clean when I want, eat when (and what) I want, and the lid stays down. I'd kind of like to keep it that way!

Non-smoker, non-ugly! :)

I've been in some awkward roommate situations where we quickly discovered that though we spent the same *amount* on food, some of us purchased a small quantity of "high end" (i.e. Whole Foods, even name brand stuff) and some of us purchased "low end" (Aldi, house brands) and then expected other roommates to pay us back. It was not a good time.

My mom was one of 11 siblings, and she is like this. I have to hide all of our chocolate when she visits.

For rommates it's cleanliness, hands down. Living with someone who leaves dirty dishes in the sink (for more than a few hours) is a deal breaker. For the bigger cleanliness picture, I always think it's best if roommates agree to hire a cleaning service, unless they are both dependable to haul out the vacuum once a week, etc. Either that or one roomie can pay less rent in exchange for being the resident cleaning person of common areas. My bff and I lived together for 2 years. She is not a cleaner, so I did the cleaning and she chauffered me to and from work every day free of charge (she got the bonus of using the HOV lane in LA too).

I think it would also help to agree on a review of roommate rules 6 months into already living together. I’ve never purchased communal food in a roommate situation before, but I once had a roommate who established the “you can eat anything of mine, I can eat anything of yours” rule. At first I thought this was fine, but then several months into living together I realized she almost never had food in the cabinet, but I always had food in the cabinet, so I started to feel a bit taken advantage of. It’s hard to know a future roommate’s habits based on what they say about themselves (she was also reportedly really into house cleaning, but her definition of “really into house cleaning” was waaaay different than mine)

With my boyfriend I just tell him straight up what is driving me nuts, we talk about it, and then stuff gets resolved. Non-romantic roommates are way more challenging.

Here's one that hasn't been mentioned: light preferences. No I don't mean natural light. I mean at night, when the sun has set. I like bright rooms. I feels cheery to me. My husband likes dim rooms. It feels comfortable and cozy to him. There's a lot of "Can I turn this on?" "Can I turn this off?" And, "I CAN'T F*ING SEE!" He goes to the bathroom, I come out of the kitchen, and turn on all the lights he turned off. He then turns off the hall lights. AUGH! Who knew? Really? Did someone know this and not tell me? Because we're at it for the rest of our lives.

Until they don't do the dishes.

Kind of spooky. After I posted that comment, I went back to reading this month's Redbook and on page 65 it says 'when a big appetite is a big health problem' and it's all about BED: Binge eating disorder.

The only roommates I can tolerate all have four feet. I know who's doing the cleaning & I'm in charge of the food.

although i never had a roommate that ruined the path to more future roommates for you, i totally agree with your reasoning for living alone. and yes, the longer i live alone, the less i incline to live with someone. if i must marry, i'll get the duplex so we each can have our own space. some people can't live alone, got to have someone to rub against. some people must have solitude daily to breathe and to regroup. to each of his own :-)

I had plenty of roommates. I go by gut feeling and it works well. We usually talk about how much noise is acceptable, cleaning (I'm a big fan of a written down schedule to avoid confrontation) and who buys what (e.g shared vs. personal food items). Otherwise, if they are paying the same rent we have to negotiate everything else (e.g they obviously don't have to ask if they can have their friends over but tell me in advance). The important part of living together is to negotiate, their opinion is just as valid as yours. I've been living alone for 2 years now and I love it but I wouldn't rule out roommates if I need to save more money.

As others have said: Tidiness! Take a good look at how the person currently takes care of their abode. If it's a horrid mess and you can't handle that, steer clear!

I once lived with a guy whose room was always a trash heap, who promised that when we lived together he would clean up his act. He never did any cleaning when we lived together and covered the apartment in clutter, even though he spent all day at home most of the time.

For me the most important things in either a housemate situation or a marriage/living together situation are: 1) a balance of power. If one person is too domineering it doesn't work well. People need to compromise on some things, and they can get their way on others. Also for me the person has to be somewhat easy going and flexible. 2) Ability to communicate. 3) For a marriage, shared values are very important.

My next door neighbor has that arrangement! His partner lives in the same building, but on the next floor down the hall. They spend a lot of time together, but each owns a separate condo. They've been together for over a decade, and seem very happy...

whoops replied to wrong one

We moved in together after 3/4 months.... Doing it while you're still in the infatuation stages helped smooth loads of bumps!

@thorndale, thank you! This is the best advice. When discussing moving in with my partner, I got totally freaked out by advice articles. It was only when I stepped back and looked at our great relationship that I realized none of the advice givers had any idea how the two of us worked together which is all that matters in the end.

When interviewing potential roommates from Craig's List, I found the most telling question I asked was what people's schedules were like when they weren't working.

I often have plans/gym/work events 3 or more times a week, so I didn't want someone who would be home every night after work. I needed someone that might home early some days, later others, so that I didn't feel like they were constantly using the common space.

Similarly, I didn't want someone who would be hanging out on the sofa all weekend. Needed a nice balance between having the space to myself sometimes and overlapping others, rather than someone always being home when I was.

Great discussion!

I've only had a few roommates, but The Man and I have been married for 35 years. Before we committed matrimony a priest told us that we would need "a pathological degree of tolerance." Turns out to be true!

I still grit my teeth after all these years almost daily. He KNOWS that I hate greasy things, but he'll use the remote control with butter on his hands... He just WON'T close kitchen cabinets or drawers... WHY can't he find things in the fridge???

He would have a similar litany about me. But I can, in fact, close the kitchen drawers, wipe off the remote control, and find the bacon in the fridge.

If you can figure out the finances and whether you're morning people or night owls the rest of life together can be handled together.

This might be impossible to do, but try to find out if your potential roommate has an Achilles heel. For instance, I once had a roommate who just couldn't hold herself back when it came to animals. We talked about a pet and agreed to one cat that lived on the balcony/outside the apartment (we had a very lucky/nice outdoor arrangement). But she couldn't resist in the pet store and we ended up with multiple cats and they lived everywhere, mostly in the living and dining room where I liked to entertain. Now, you could say that's a straight up breach and she has to move out. But, pets were her one downfall and she wasn't intentionaly dishonest or rude about it. If I had known first, we could have had different kind of discussion and we both would have been better positioned to be heard and able to follow through with our agreement.

The second thing I would recommend is communication skills. Pay attention to how someone speaks during the rooommate interview. Do they explain themselves easily? Is everything a one word answer? Did they get tense and inarticulate when talking about money? Are they a listener or a negative listener? Try to see if their communications skills and style either balance yours out or match up. This will help you decide whether you need to pass them over and pick someone else, or if they will be a good roommate as long as you both understand how to speak and listen to one another. If you feel you need improvement in discerning this stuff or brushing up your own skills, go to a university that awards degrees in family/couples therapy. Go to their bookstore and ask to purchase whatever the "couples communication"coursebook is, preferably a workbook-type with sample quizzes. That is good stuff for roommates, romantic or not.

I had roommates throughout my twenties, and the best method we discovered to see if we could live together was to travel together. Close quarters, enforced togetherness, figuring out if you have compatible activity/quiet levels are ALL part of going on a trip. Once I knew I traveled well with my friends, I knew we could live together without wanting to kill each other.

In late July of 2002, when I was 29, I met a man because he saw me reading poetry at an open mic night. We spent every day together for a week and decided to move in together. He gave up his apartment and moved into mine. (In the back of my head, I thought, well, if it doesn't work out, it's my apartment).

We knew nothing about each other except it made sense when we talked, when we argued, and when we went to the grocery store. That fall I started a graduate program in literature and was reading a book of short stories called Arranged Marriage by Chitra Divakaruni, which shows all different angels of Indian and Indian-American couples in arranged marriages, and realizing that what I was reading was not so different than my own relationship. It's odd but moving in with someone when you barely know him kind of forces you to work stuff out. I don't know if I would recommend it to everyone; you definitely need to be confident and strong and know what you want.

So, it's been over ten years and we've been married for eight, and I still find out new things about him all the time, good and bad. I'll be 40 this year and I'm a much different woman than I was at 29, and he's different too. Of course there are compatibility issues that you want to find out about. We're big talkers and learned a lot about each other that first month. But a lot of it is just about making it work.