When Does the First Sleepover Happen?

I was eight when I went on my first non-family sleepover, but these days I know parents whose kids have started having sleepovers at four or five. Obviously all kids are different and there's no "right" age for sleepovers, but what would you consider to be the signs that a child is ready to stay overnight at a friend's house? And how do you prepare them (and yourself!) for the experience?

I found a couple of articles (here and here) at Associated Content that give several tips for making your child's first sleepover experience a positive one. Among other things, they suggest that your child should help pack his or her overnight bag, being sure to include any favorite books, blankets or stuffed toys. They also rather cannily propose giving your child something new and fun, such as an awesome new sleeping bag, to take along with them.

The articles also reassuringly state that it's totally normal for kids not to stay the entire night on their first few tries. The key thing is that they build up their confidence over time with longer and longer attempts (without being pushed, of course), until they manage to do it.

I can remember from my own childhood that being able to stay overnight away from my parents was a huge milestone, and an invaluable confidence-builder. It may be a bit of work (and ever-so-slightly heartbreaking) for us parents but it's totally worth it.

What are your sleepover stories, past and present? Do you have any tried-and-true tips from the sleepover trenches? Tell us in the comments!

Image: Flickr member Jolante, via Creative Commons

Comments (20)

I remember 4th grade as being the Year of the Sleepover. It seemed like everyone had a birthday slumber party that year. I loved it. I suppose every child is different but at 8 or 9 I don't remember anyone ever leaving early. I do remember that we'd all try to convince the parents to let us watch something scary like Nightmare on Elm Street and then no one could fall asleep all night. Although now I guess they'd watch Saw or something.

I remember one of my first non-family sleepovers, and I was in FIRST grade! At that age, the whole class is invited (well, just the girls in this case) and I remember there were 16 or 17 first graders crammed into the Birthday girl's two-bedroom apartment. I don't remember a whole lot, but my mom said I was a wreck when I got home that day having had too little sleep. I don't think I had any more for a while after that!

I remember I stayed (or intended to) at my friend Hilary's house for the first time when I was about 7. They were convinced that there was a ghost (even their Dad had seen it) in their home and they must've talked about it a little too much because I got so worked up, I got upset to my stomach & her Mom had to give me gingerale & call my Mom immediately. First sleepovers & ghost stories do not mix well! I refused to visit my friend Hilary, day or night, again until she moved!

I wasn't allowed to sleep over at anyone's until I was 18! My mum was worried about not knowing the parents sufficiently. I wouldn't do that with my own children, but four or five does seem a bit much, if only for the host parent's stress levels!

My daughter started going on sleep-overs and having sleep-overs when she was around 4. The key for us was that the parent is a very close friend of ours (not only the kids are close), and they have a rapport with our child (and love her like family). In short, they are as close to family as you can get.

Not quite a sleepover, but at our school I've now led (with another teacher) three summer camping trips for 10 five and six-year-olds. We pack into two big tents for two nights out in the woods in various state parks about an hour away from school. It is such an amazing confidence booster for these children, it being for many of them their first time away from family. So far we haven't had anyone needing to go home - and only one child with even a case of the wibbles (which were cured by hugs and sleeping next to me). These kinds of experiences build true independence that you can really see the results of in the child's day-to-day life!

My daughter started spending a week to 10 days with her grandparents when she was 14 months old. When she was 2 she began going to the daycare sleepovers. And when she was 3, she had her first sleepover at a friends house which was honestly more for DH and I than for her. A good friend of mine offered to watch her overnight so we could have a date night (all our family lives 5 hours or more away). She has a daughter the same age as ours and they are good friends.

One of my friends had the idea to do a "pretend sleepover" when our daughters were 6. It was basically a pajama party without the overnight stay. It worked well for us because it provided a way to test the waters for them and see what their comfort level was. They started asking for slumber parties well before they were really ready to be away from home overnight. Anyway, Sophia had her first real slumber party at 7. Now she lives for them and we host about every 2-3 weeks.

Hope that helps!

-Alana
http://www.waterspiper.com

we have a no sleep-over rule. Our children are only 3 and 10 months, but we have instituted the rule now to avoid conflict in the future. Too many awful things can happen at slumber parties, even when parents are home, even when they are people we trust. The exception to this rule would be relatives (cousins) but we don't live near them, so it may only happen over occasional holidays as our children get older. I don't think my children will be deprived because they don't have sleep-overs.

My daughter stayed overnight with a close friend and her daughter when my son was born. She was 3 1/4. So that was her first sleep over. Afterwards, she desperately wanted another sleep over with different friend. It was agreed when both girls were 4 they could have a sleep over. My daughter stayed at the other child's house. The parents had me and my husband over for supper and we stayed and visited while the girls played. We left about 8:30pm. My daughter was just fine. We hosted a sleep over with the friend she spent the night with when my son was born. We had the parents over for supper and they stayed until about 8:00pm and both girls did a great. Although they stayed up until nearly 11:00pm.

I always had fun sleeping over at friends house; but I don't remember my it being until 2nd or 3rd grade.

Sassypiggy, what's going to happen when your children grow up and go to college? Or when Little Suzy has a slumber party and the rest of the little girls go and yours doesn't?

All our children have regular sleepovers with friends at our house or their house often, I would say every fortnight, at the very least.

My family lives in New Zealand so waiting for a cousin/grandparent sleepover would and does occur every 2-3 years but no sooner.

My oldest daughter started sleepovers at around 4 years with her best buddy from preschool as did my middle daughter. We knew all the families well and had playdates for months before the events, this included dinners and other weekend activities.

My kindergardner will ask anyone in her class constantlly if she can stay at their house or accompany them home for a play date. Even if she has only just met them.

I would say she is unusually open and confident child who is also funny and just plain cocky - her wish list for Christmas this year - included a trip to the moon on a rocket or to go sky diving. She is also on the swim team at 5 years old and can swim 50 meters without stopping in a minute, ride a bike around our 4 mile loop with no training wheels (for the last year) and has learnt sign language in the past two months, courtesy of her new BF at school who is deaf. On the down side she hates, hates, hates school, reading and being told to do anything by her parents. But acts and looks like an angel for others.

However she loves, loves, loves sleepovers and as the other family is typically keen to have her she is often away and entertaining others.

Over the Christmas break our older three elementary aged children went to sleepovers and we also hosted. Yes, they are work especially seperating the different ages and sexes and keeping everyone busy and happy. But, so much fun and one of the constant happy memories that I have of my childhood.

Sassypiggy, what horrible things happened at your sleepovers? Sure, we played truth or dare, or watched scary movies...but nothing truly terrible ever happened at the ones I attended. Even the co-ed versions.

My girls went to their first sleepover a few months ago (at 6 and 7). It was a pretty good friend of the family (which is the rule with us). So far (at 6 and 8) they've been to two sleepovers. I think if it is a relative or close friend of the family, it's fine to sleepover as early as they are ready. My girls are all VERY independent. I could see my three year old sleeping over at a friend or cousin's house with no problem.

sassypiggy...I agree with you. As a kid, I wasn't allowed to attend sleepovers. I was allowed to stay late, which got later as I got older (midnight or even 1am once), but my mom always came to pick me up at an arranged time. I was always a little embarrassed that I wasn't allowed to stay, but I have now discovered the wisdom in my parents' decision. Several friends fell prey to sexual predators while attending sleepovers: touching, fondling, etc. Even if you know the parents well, there are sometimes older siblings, or in several cases I am aware of, the friend of a sibling was spending the night also (older brother had a friend over to keep him happy while sister's party happening) and the friend was the predator. It may sound extreme, but I will risk my kids' being embarrassed for a little more peace of mind and safety for my kids.

There is no way I'm letting my kids spend the night at someone's house unless I know every person that lives in the house really well and are comfortable with them.

Wow, a moratorium on sleep overs before your children are young enough to have true friends? Good luck with that. You'll be eating your words in a few years - who is to say that your child won't have a very best friend who they see every chance they get, and whose parents you love, trust and adore? I can understand the fear and horror stories, but there are exceptions to rules.

My daughter had her first sleepover at 3 with her best friend when my husband and I went away to a no-kid wedding. The parents of her best friend are my closest friends so it was like leaving her with family. She did great. Loved it. Then at 5 (this past summer), she went to a sleepover with 2 other girls. They stayed up late and it totally stressed me out, but again, she loved it. No other sleepovers since. I don't think I'd be comfortable letting her sleep with school friends or with anyone unless I was very close with both parents. Just common sense. A full veto seems excessive to me. Sleepovers are such a magical part of childhood.

I can't even remember when my first sleepover was—I did them all the time growing up. I was a sleepover pro even in lower elementary school.

I think the worst thing (in my childhood opinion) that ever happened was I wet the bed once at my cousin's house and I was humiliated. I probably was in first or second grade then.

Second worst thing was I stayed with a friend whose Korean mother insisted we drink a raw egg as part of breakfast (ew!). I whined until she said I only had to take one sip, and I faked a sip. Ah, cultural differences! :) (This was before people would freak out about raw eggs, you know.)

sassypiggy and others: Maybe with your kids and their friends sleepovers won't be that big of a deal. But if they are and your children's feelings are getting hurt from being left out, why not host a sleepover (say, once a year... like for their birthday?). That way they don't have to go to someone else's house like you're worried about, and yet your kids will get a chance to be a part of that "club" feeling that sleepovers produce.

I actually think it's wise to think about these things LONG before your kids are actually old enough for it to become an issue. What's wrong with planning out parenting strategies in advance?

I also think a no-sleepover rule is a good idea. Sure, most sleepovers are innocent, but I don't think anyone can argue that things can happen even in the homes of people you trust. Why risk it? We had a law enforcement officer and a counselor come and speak to our church group on keeping your children safe from sexual predators and they very strongly recommended setting a no-sleepover rule. They had some crazy stories.

And, sure, you're going to let your kids do a LOT of things when they turn eighteen and leave the house. And that's because they are ADULTS at that point. That doesn't mean you need to let them do the same things when they are kids! Your job until they leave the house is to keep them safe.