Chew with your mouth closed and please, please, don't talk with your mouth full.

One essential is to not point out or think too long on another person's lack of "manners," though really the lapse is usually not a lack of manners but a lack of knowledge in manners. Using the wrong fork is not the world's biggest deal. It doesn't matter. I can think of very few transgressions at the table. Even elbows on tables are just fine so long as there's enough room and you aren't crowding anyone else. It's always nice to put your napkin on your chair if you get up in the middle of the meal, rather than on the table, but again, not a big deal.

This is only slightly related but I continue to be surprised how many people find it acceptable to arrive for dinner at somebody's house empty-handed. It's really not difficult or onerous to pick up a cheap bottle of wine or a cheerful bouquet or whatever. I was taught never to arrive empty-handed... anyone else?

Ask for something to be passed, don't reach across people. Inside voices. Try at least a bite of everything and if you don't like it, don't make a face and spit it out, just don't eat any more. Basic respect for the people around the table and especially the people who worked to produce your meal. Please and thank you. I don't think these things have much to do with "formal" dining, they should be part of every meal.

Never arrive empty handed and wait until everyone is seated before you start eating. My inlaws side if the family starts scarfing at family dinners by the time Nana sits down they are almost done. My family waits and we all eat together, that's the point isn't it?

The above commenter touched on my pet peeve. I am so irritated when people (grown adults!!!) make faces when there is something they don't like that is being served. A gracious "No, thank you - I don't really enjoy it" is all that is needed. Making a face of disgust is not very nice to the people who prepared the food!

- Chew with your mouth closed
- Don't start eating till everyone has been served (if it's a sit down thing)
- If a napkin is provided, use it regularly
- Don't get up till everyone is done eating

Cell phone calls or texts, say excuse me, get up and leave the room.

Agree with Tracylynn.... manners aren't for formal occasions... they are for everyday.

Don't get tripped up over silverware... it's not a big deal, but the more you use full settings the more obvious it is whats what.

@ ArchDarling... that's a tough area. Miss Manners suggests that we need not be schleping stuff around for the host and hostess to fret over... but generally she's referring to folks who bring a bottle of wine or a dish or a cake and expect the hosts to serve it at that event. And flowers can distract the hostess from her food prep... she had everything timed out but now she has to find a vase?
Most important, if you do bring a wine or a treat ... it's a gift... not a contribution to the meal. let it go.
The nicest thing you can give the hosts is a heartfelt thank you (preferably written) after the occasion.

Totally agree with Trixie about keeping your mouth closed and not talking with your mouth full; I'm shocked at how many people are oblivious to how unpleasant this is for others. And sit up straight, keep your elbows off the table, and put your napkin in your lap. Okay, I just channeled my mother....

ArchDarling - I agree about the empty-handed thing. And yes clickchick, agreed that flowers require a vase (but not if you buy one when you buy the flowers). Potted plants don't require one but they require ongoing care, so I see the point. But everyone can appreciate chocolate OR wine - pick one and take it to your hostess. I also hate it when people are empty-handed. I know, I know, you're inviting people to have a good time and not to get something in return. But when I've spent days getting the meal together and countless effort and $$, I think someone should remember to bring a bottle of wine.

Host Essentials:
+ ask about food allergies and major dislikes

Guest Essentials:
+ offer to help clean up
+ @clickchick, agreed, "The nicest thing you can give the hosts is a heartfelt thank you (preferably written) after the occasion."

General Essentials:
+ no phones
+ say please & thank you
+ wait to eat until everyone is served
+ @Archdarling, agreed, "do not point out or think too long on another person's lack of "manners."

I'm not sure that a host(ess) gift really falls under table manners. I think it wise, as a host, not to expect anything. As a guest, it is good to offer to bring a side dish, dessert, wine etc... or to simply bring flowers or something small, if relevant.

In "high" society it is considered rude to bring something to the hostess, especially if it's the dessert or a bottle of wine or anything you can eat or drink: it implies that you think her incapable of cooking a decent meal. Flowers are OK if the hostess is your mother or another member of your family.
Like chickchick noted, propriety requires that you send a thank you note the soonest possible after the event.

As for rules at the table, it all depends on the company, the occasion and the country. I'm French and I've always been taught that elbows on the table are an absolute no, that you don't cut your salad with your knife and that you use your knife with your right hand and your fork with your left. You should also shut off your phone, eat with your mouth shut, say thank you and please and always pretend you enjoy the meal, the people and the conversation, even if you're bored to death or your sworn enemy is sitting right in front of you. And the list goes on.

Use bread or your knife to push your food on the fork if necessary.

Do **not** use your thumb!

I had lunch at the Ritz-Carlton once with a retired high-ranking diplomat who used his thumb! I was stunned.

For kids: Sit down at the table during the meal and don't get up and raise hell until a) you're done eating and b) you've asked to be excused. And don't wipe your sweet potato-stained hands on the seats!

(Actually, those rules would probably work for adults, too.)

Wow um, hm, there aren't any that I find none essential. Using the wrong fork is forgivable, regardless how many times does that come up in your own home? But mouth open, talking, texting, elbows on table, eating before everyone has sat down, leaving before people are finished - no animals.

And re: napkin left on chair, you should actually leave your napkin on the table to the left of your plate. If you leave a napkin on the chair you risk soiling the upholstery.

Many of the obvious ones mentioned. I think a hand written thank you note is always nice especially if someone went all out.

avoid dinner parties where everyone is uptight and fretting over etiquette ;)

Treat people the way you want to be treated. That's what I do :)

If it's a real dinner, no texting, phone calls, TV, etc.

No insisting that people try something...they don't want to try it, they don't want to try it.

Growing up, elbows on the table were a big no-no. In business travel & formal settings outside of the US, I found elbows on the table to be customary. I take a look around to see what my hosts are doing (keeping hands on lap until they are seated).

@jamieo- agreed!

Don't agree with MissB on asking about food allergies or major dislikes. Host has an obligation to accomodate vegetarians and vegans if attending, but not everyone's food preferences.

If a guest has food allergies that are difficult to accomodate, he/she should let the host know privately.

And if you don't like some items being served, politely decline them as noted by others.

I would rather my guests repay the favor by inviting me over for dinner someday, than feeling they need to bring me anything to dinner. Maybe I wasn't brought up right, but I'd be a little offended if my guests thought they were obliged to buy anything (bottle of wine, flowers, dessert) in order to come over if I invited them.

Of course, in my station in life I'm more comfortable at a pot-luck than a formal sit-down so maybe it's a class thing.

Invited to dinner at a friend's. During dinner in the middle of a conversation, her hubby turns around a clicks on the TV. Made his point loud and clear.

Oh, in addition to not turning on the TV during dinner, silent use of cutlery.

My sister-in-law has a terrible habit of blowing her nose at the table when she is finished with her meal, while other's aren't. It annoys me and grosses me out.

Not sure if this falls under proper etiquette, but what about beverage choices, or lack thereof? Is it poor form, or just weird, to serve only water for the main meal and coffee during dessert? I attend family holiday dinners where these are the only options, and I wonder if I'm alone in thinking it's a little strange. To my knowledge nobody attending is in recovery, but I'm speaking of both alcoholic and non-alcoholic options.

@tinamina, I agree that a host shouldn't have to accommodate every little thing, but I wouldn't want to serve a not spicy to me dish to someone who found even the slightest bit of spice inedible. I suppose it's not essential, but it's certainly kind to ask if there are things that people absolutely wont eat.

And for food allergies, some people forget to mention allergies or only remember at the last moment, which means last min scramble for host. Better safe than sorry :)

Thank the person who provided the meal for you (ideally in writing, or if that's too much trouble for you -- ahem -- at least phone). And then return the favor -- invite your host(ess) to dinner at your house.

No talking with mouth full of food, no blowing ones nose at the table (GROSS!), wait to start eating until everyone is seated, and always compliment the host/hostess on the delightful meal that they prepared! I would think that this is common sense but I have been witness to the fact that apparently it isn't!

People who pick on food...I once ordered a big platter of sushi for my daughter's b'day and my mother in law would use her chopsticks to separate the fish from the rice right on the big plate where everyone is eating from. She would leave the rice and eat only the fish.
She doesn't have a good chopstick skills so you can imagine how ugly she looked...it's funny cuz she is the only who always makes fun of other people who have no manners.

@ nycagnes, my stepmother does this EVERY SINGLE TIME we eat a meal and it's so disgusting! I hate people blowing their nose even in the kitchen, so at the table is a big no. Just get up and go to the bathroom.

Get there on time and no cell phones!!!

I had lunch recently with a well bred 29 year old. I am taking seriously old money, hedge fund money. He doesn't work.

He has the table manners of an ape. He didn't know how to hold silverware, he ate with his mouth open, his wiped his mouth on the back of his hand, he ate with his hands, and I really don't know what else. I was so grossed out I couldn't look at him. I ate the entire three course meal looking off to the side.

Did his nanny not teach table manners? Has he had dinner with his parents? What could they possibility think? How could this happen? He has not made the social inroads I thought he would have by this point, and now I think I have an explanation. Who can be around him, and food? No one apparently.

Manners are important.

PLEASE DON'T HOLD YOUR FORK LIKE A SHOVEL! That is all.

Multiple forks aren't a test of guests' manners -- they're a test of the host's. Multiple forks are for the CONVENIENCE of the guests, so the dessert doesn't taste like garlic. Somehow the purpose got lost or misinterpreted.

Wow, I'm with @jamieo! Treat people as you want them to treat you.

I have no rules, and no problems. Elbows on the table -- who cares? Sometimes people just want to rest... Forks? I only offer one, so no problem! Most people I eat with just don't talk with their mouths full, so why legislate it? If they do on occasion, it's probably because the conversation is rolling and they are excited to contribute -- forgivable!

I don't want hostess gifts. I plan the whole meal, and my guests usually ask in advance if I want them to bring something -- maybe a salad or extra dessert, so why not? (Of course there was that one time when our friends brought lasagna, and they, I and one other guest ALL made salads, unbeknownst to the others!) (BIG salads, at that!)

I don't want thank you notes -- saying thanks as you leave is more than sufficient, and if forgotten, also forgivable. (I can tell if you had a good time, and that's what matters to me.) I ALWAYS try to work around food allergies, since many of my friends have them. (If the group is too mixed, sometimes individuals bring something they can eat and share, and I make a plain verison of whatever, with the allergens as add-ins -- like walnuts in the salad, for instance.)

I don't entertain people I don't enjoy -- and if they are disgusting, they just don't come over. Simple!

yes!! arriving late is so obnoxious! and eating with your hands and mouth open...ugh

QUOTE: Maybe I wasn't brought up right, but I'd be a little offended if my guests thought they were obliged to buy anything (bottle of wine, flowers, dessert) in order to come over if I invited them.

@wittyname: Nope...you were brought up with a proper, true understanding of *hospitality*. All the rest is just pretense ;)

As to manners or lack thereof, I can excuse almost anything. I try to simply avert my eyes when one chews with one's mouth open and focus on the good company (otherwise I'm DONE eating). However, I have been known to politely [quietly] point the way to the restroom for someone who blows their nose at the table. (and not so quietly for 'repeat-offenders').

And btw, I know which utensil to use when, etc...I just don't care. Life's too short.

I think good manners exist to make an occasion pleasant and harmonious. So. Treat people as you would like to be treated. No to cell phones and TVs during dinner conversation. No dominating the conversation. No putting people down or making them feel ill-at-ease. Be kind. Be patient. Be flexible. Have a sense of humor.

Don't chew with your mouth open.

@jamieo, @SherryBinNH, and @FengShuiByFishGirl, you are my perfect guests. Rather, my perfect hosts. I am tired of having cereal and milk and almonds for dinner. I am a good guest. I bring optimism to the table and I eat with my mouth closed. :)

Oh, and if I have something in my teeth, please tell me. I'd rather have somebody telling it to me in front of my face and we all have a laugh about it than everybody else ignoring it and make a big meal of awkwardness.

It's nice if my guests bring me something, but I certainly don't expect it.

I'd far rather they a) show up, b) show up on time, and c) treat the food as a delightful addition to the company - that is, focus on the other guests rather than just shovelling the food into their pie-holes.

Oh, and hold the knife like a scalpel, not a pencil, for crying out loud!

I would simply be happy if when I am a guest that a simple,"No thank you." to wine and any other alcoholic beverages be respected. I simply don't like it and would be happy with just a cold glass of water. Also asking if I am an alcoholic is simply ridiculous. I am apparently rude for not "at least trying wine" but asking if I have an addiction is acceptable. Argh.

Don't get drunk and hit on your sister in laws husband. Also, don't throw wine corks at the old ladies.

Wow...lots of comments on this...don't know if this is included already, but here goes...I'm a very slow eater...please remember to save/share some food with those of us that take a while to get to all the course available. Thank you!

What @jamieo said. Screw formality, just be a kind - thoughtful - appreciative person : )

That said, open mouthed chewing, banging silverware on plates, I guess making excessive noise does drive me nuts, hah.

@HawaiiNei, you have a good point! I am a super slow eater and a vegetarian. So many times the quick - meat eaters scarf up the only thing I can eat. I get a little miffed even though I know they shouldn't have to cater to my special needs. But it would be nice to have it considered.

@lella... "silent use of cutlery"???

I'll start keeping my cutlery mufflers in my purse, just in case. Or pack my own plasticware.

I never knew that holding one's silverware in a certain manner (or eating with one's fingers) would be considered bad manners! I just thought it was part of a person's individual style/personal preferences, like maybe I prefer to touch my food or maybe my fork just feels better in this position.