Apartment Therapy Writes an Episode of House Hunters

Bryan and Sara are on the hunt in Texas. She wants a traditional home with a big kitchen. He’s a fan of 1970’s-era conversation pits and needs plenty of storage. But at their budget, these enthusiastic first-timers may have to make some compromises.

“Hi I’m Sara. I run a YouTube channel about Gregorian Chant music. And this is my husband, Bryan.”

“Hi, I’m Bryan, and I work as a part-time Jonathan Cheban impersonator. We have a budget of 900,000 dollars.”

“We’re looking for an open concept, 4 bedroom, 12 bathroom home, with a finished lighthouse in the Houston area, where Bryan can bike to work every day.”

“Yeah, I really need my commute to be under 45 seconds.”

They want to stay in the lush Richass Hills neighborhood, and hope to land a vintage farmhouse filled with character that was literally once owned by Beyoncé.

“Bryan and I want to be inside the city, walking distance to restaurants and bars. But if I literally ever see or hear another human being, I’ll die.”

Also on their wish list? A coal-burning fireplace, a 6-car garage, and plenty of storage for Bryan’s collection of antique display cheesecakes.

“And it has to be move-in ready.”

First up is an older home in Richass Hills. It’s a 100-year old farmhouse priced right at $900,000, and it has the lighthouse and cheesecake storage Bryan and Sara need, as well as tons of vintage charm.

“Sara, I know we wanted an old home, but I feel like this needs more modern amenities.”

“Yeah, we would need to do a lot to make this livable. I hate this paint color, and we’re already at the top of our budget. “

“The kitchen was really nice, but you could only entertain around 38 people in there. And the countertops weren’t granite.”

“I feel like we should look for something newer.”

Now they’re seeing a less expensive place in North Richass Hills. It’s a new construction home close to downtown with modern amenities, and priced well under Bryan and Sara’s budget.

“We’re actually in North Richass Hills, not Richass Hills.”

“Oh, that’s like a 4-minute commute—way too far. And this home is, like, 7 months old… it just feels really dated to me.”

“But this house checks all our boxes and is around $600,000 under budget.”

“Yeah but there’s no microwave in the kitchen. And we need to be closer to the city.”

Next, Bryan and Sara’s realtor shows them a backyard shack in the city that’s $300,000 over budget. It’s close to Bryan’s work, but doesn’t feature the garage or fireplace that Sara had her eye on.

“We’re one block away from everything, but the neighbors just feel like they’re practically on top of us here.”

“I take one bath a year, so I was really hoping for a glass-tiled shower with a separate soaking tub.”

“And we need double sinks or else we won’t be able to get ready in the mornings.”

“But what about the commute? Two and a half minutes isn’t bad. It’s doable.”

Bryan and Sara have up to $900,000 to buy their first home in Houston. After seeing several options, it’s decision time.

“House #3 was literally the worst.”

“Agree completely.”

…10 minutes later…

“So, I really think the house for us is #3!”

“Let’s put together a charcuterie board and invite all of our 4 friends over.”