Fantasy Features: Every Home Needs A Champagne Buzzer

Fantasy Features: Every Home Needs A Champagne Buzzer

Tess Wilson
Aug 9, 2013

It's been a gloomy week, and my days have been spent poring over the yellow pages, sourcing cheap/free bulk mulch, getting estimates on fixing the garage door, and figuring how much it would cost to replace our hated carpet (a lot, it turns out). As exciting as it will be to have a functioning garage door, it's time to daydream about totally impossible and ludicrously luxurious home improvements...

So far I've been unable to find a Champagne Buzzer Installer in our small town phone book, and I'm unclear on how the Champagne would actually be delivered to me once I'd buzzed the buzzer. Would the Champagne Porter live in the guest room? That could work, but since it doubles as my office, wouldn't that lead to an awful lot of awkwardness and Champagne-related chit-chat? Fortunately, I don't have to worry about any of those logistics because I won't be installing a Champagne Buzzer in every room anytime soon. Or ever.

I remember reading in Bergdorf Blondes about the Ritz-Carlton in Paris and "the little buzzer they have right next to the tub labelled FEMME DE CHAMBRE that you push if you need something urgently, like a glob of bubble bath or a café créme." That would definitely come in handy as well — and the chambermaid could bunk with the Champagne Butler!

What else? A combination pizza oven-hot tub. An orangerie. The library from Beauty & The Beast. The Rain Room from MoMA (with temperature controls). An indoor/outdoor two-lane 25-yard lap pool. The Perpetual Teapot and Biscuit Tin from The Last Dragonslayer. A roof that opens completely. An Olafur Elliason wing. A heating system that just heats a 6-foot circumference around me so I can be nice and toasty without wasting energy. A Sparkling Water Buzzer! A Wasabi Peas Buzzer! 

I feel better already: coming up with nearly-impossible or ultra-impossible home improvements got me out of my ordinary project slump, and was a nice little break from the realities of budget restrictions. What's on your ridiculous renovation dream list?

(Image: Bob Bob Ricard via AnOther Loves)

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