How To Cast a Circle of Protection Around Your Next Craigslist Experience

Ah the sweet, sweet victory of finding exactly what you wanted on Craigslist. After the thrill of the hunt and the high of sealing the deal, the logistics kick in and bring you back to reality. Yes, there’s plenty of conventional Craigslist wisdom floating around, but we’ve spent some time scouring the covens of Brooklyn, digging deep into family thrifting lore and putting our undergrad poetry class to good use to bring you a series of incantations, prayers and home spells to make sure your secondhand furniture purchase is #blessed.

Craigslist pickup trips are voyages into the unknown, meeting (often strange) people in new parts of town — not to mention the nagging uncertainty of whether that sofa will actually fit into your vehicle. For best results, say this simple prayer before you head out:

May the seller be honest,
May the seller be true.
May the seller be friendly,
and not hit on you.

Bring your best buddy,
And their roomy truck.
Pray the weather’s not crummy,
and for good parking luck.

If you live in a city where no one has a car,
Just order a giant Uber, how fortunate you are,
That with the help of the internet you can buy,
A car and a loveseat to take home and DIY.

Painless pickup now behind you, you still have to get that heavy new-to-you furniture up the stairs. (Note: If you live in an elevator building, get out of here and stop trying to hoard all the good luck.)

You Will Need:

• Stairs
• Your Craigslist find
• 2-3 friends who love you and/or have terrible secrets only you know about
• A back brace if you’re over 25
• Quartz crystal
• Bea Arthur Candle
• A decorative cabbage crushed with your bare hands
• A cassingle of Independent Woman, Part II

Gather your friends, candle, crystal, cabbage, cassingle and assemble in the space where you would like to manifest your new Craigslist find. Arrange the crushed cabbage around the candle. Make your friends hold hands and close their eyes as you put on your back brace and hide the crystal in the cabbage leaves. Have them open their eyes as you light up Bea Arthur. Speak these words aloud:

Hey guys thanks so much for doing this. You have no idea how much this means. Pizza on me!

Tell your friends that whosoever can find the crystal in the cabbage gets to be the door opener/direction giver. Go downstairs, stare at the purchase radiating an energy; will it to be weightless and flexible. Toss the cassingle on the item and speak these words aloud:

By the power of 2001 era Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle, we shall work as a group to get this (insert item) where it belongs.

Lift from your spiritual center and also your knees, pivot around corners and the astral plane, and when your furniture is finally placed and aligned, exhale as one and remember this moment when someone calls you to help them move.

When it comes to bugs and Craigslist or thrift store finds, it is always a bit of a game of chance. Here are some incantations to help you banish dreaded bugs. Repeat daily for all time.

I AM strong, powerful and steam cleaned this item of furniture.

I ACCEPT love and REJECT any soft goods from a source I’m not totally sure about.

I love LIGHT, I am LIGHT, and I shined a flashLIGHT in the cracks of this furniture piece to check for any signs of bugs.

I welcome you (my new couch) into my home and into my heart and also into my washer and dryer as soon as possible.

I spread hope, I spread joy, I spread rubbing alcohol on this dresser so I should probably be fine.

And there you have it! All the advice you could ever need to successfully purchase Craigslist furniture, wrapped up in one handy post.