If you're like me, you have two minds about the holidays. On one hand, it means a month of parties, mulled wine, and deeply unhealthy finger food (which you then try to counteract by grabbing something off the crudité plate). On the other hand, it's full of the stress of trying to prove your love to people via rampant gift giving. Some people are relatively easy to buy for, while others are more difficult and require way more thought than expected. If you're stuck on what to get some of the more esoteric people in your life, then please look to the below gift guide (that you definitely never asked for): The 2017 Etsy Gift Guide for the Incredibly Specific People In Your Life.
For The Person Who Has Everything (Except a 600 Kg Wood Couch)
I always find that my husband is the hardest person to buy for because he's basically set when it comes to most things, but it turns out that there is one thing his life is lacking, and that's a 600 kg "sofa" made out of an olive tree. Sure, it's $65,000, but once you factor in the free shipping, that's a pretty solid deal. In case you're curious, 600 kg is about the same as a large, full-grown male moose, which is also a lovely addition to any house but considerably harder to sit on.
For The Creepy Guy At Your Local Bar
The bar down the street from your place is pretty much perfect: cheap drinks, great staff, a lack of solo acoustic guitar shows...aside from one thing, and that is the creepy dude who tries to hit on you every time he's there. He just never seems to get the hint and keeps buying you drinks that you then silently slide back over to the bartender. This year, give back by giving him the gift of real human teeth in a glass jar (you choose the amount!). His mind will explode when you wordlessly slam down a small glass with seven random molars in it and your life will be better for it.
For Your Favorite Ornithologist
I'm sure we've all come up against the problem of not knowing what to get your closest friend who is also a very intense ornithologist. They already own the Audubon, Sibley, Sotkes, Kaufman, Crossley, National Geographic, and Peterson bird guides, plus about 12 different bird-related hats. Well you no longer have to fret, as you can get them a sign that lets people know that only pheasant lovers are allowed to park in this driveway, bucko. Now they can make sure that passing strangers are aware of their unsettling love of the common pheasant and their desire to keep people off their driveway.
For Your Friend Who Won't Stop With The Gag Gifts
Don't get me wrong, I love a well done gag gift, but there's always that one friend who only does gag gifts. From bacon chapstick to pickle soap to pillows with pictures of squished bugs on them, this person doesn't seem to understand that not everything needs a half-hearted chuckle and a tired, "Oh, this is so…funny, yeah. Ha ha. Thanks." This is the only person who deserves a candle that smells like uncooked chicken. Not COOKED chicken, chicken "just before hitting the oven," which apparently has a smell (I guess the seasoning? Why not just make a candle that smells like Ms. Dash, then?). Anyway, make their house smell like barely cooked meat as you open another weird joke baseball cap from them ("Oh, it says 'My Butt Looks Big in This!!!' Thanks, Bill.").
For Your Incredibly Boring Friend Who Lives In Wyoming
This plate is literally just a half-hearted rectangle. It's like a 10-piece IKEA set reject. No one would even know it's supposed to be a state without you actively telling them! WHAT'S THE POINT? Fun fact: You could also give this to a friend from Colorado and they'd probably never know the difference.
For Your Texan Uncle Who Spends All Of His Time In His Garage
What do you get for someone who's got terrible taste in furniture but is generally not a bad person? Normally I'd go with a beanbag chair, but if they're super intense about NCAA sports then this Texas Longhorn Upcycled Oil Barrel Chair and Ottoman set would probably appeal to them. This is the kind of thing that would be perfect in a garage, shed, or preferably the dumpster out back.
For The Person Obsessed With The Royal Family
Sure, the Prince Harry/Meghan Markle nuptials will be great, but what about the original power couple, William and Kate? Everyone's favorite tastefully conservative dress-wearing lady has now been immortalized on an actual dollar bill for some reason. Try using it in a store so you can convince unsuspecting cashiers that Charles should just give up already on being king and hand the title down to Will and Kate because seriously, there is literally no one who wants Charles and Camilla as the face of the royal family.
For The Art Snob
Any loser can get a print or lithograph of a famous work of art, so why not show up all your weenie friends by purchasing an actual Van Gogh sketch that's being sold on Etsy (instead of Christie's or another reputable auction house) for some bizarre reason. Seriously, they will hand deliver this to you for free, which makes sense, since you're paying $255,842.90 for it. At that price, they better arrive with a bunch of gold jewelry and the entire Pat McGrath cosmetic collection along with it, for crying out loud.
For The Coworker You Only Vaguely Know
It's the same story every year: you sign up for the office Secret Santa only to end up partnered with Sandra, who's basically a complete stranger in a series of cable-knit sweaters. You know that she works in finance, likes Cracker Barrel, and has a collection of knick-knacks on her desk that say things like "YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE WACKY TO WORK HERE BUT IT HELPS!!!!!!" The last time you spoke to her was while waiting to be let back into the building during a fire drill nine months ago (you went, "Gee, it's colder than I thought!" and then spoke for about 45 seconds about said coldness) and you have to find something that you can get her that fits within the office-imposed $20 limit. If Sandra's just as "WACKY!!!!!" as her little placard says, then a mug that states "My Bum Looks Big in this. I Know! I don't care!" will certainly appeal to her and her email chain letter-level of humor.
Anyway, this was the 2017 Etsy Gift Guide for the hard-to-buy-for people in your life. Hopefully, thanks to this, buying for people in the future will be simple, because no one will want anything from you ever again after this.