This is What Your Sofa Says About You

This is What Your Sofa Says About You

Jennifer Hunter
Mar 4, 2015

What is your sofa choice telling the world? You might be surprised. I've looked into my crystal ball and here's what I can tell about you.

The Chesterfield

You own a set of brandy snifters and you use them on the regular. When you go shopping, you like to run your hand over the fabrics in a way that's discerning yet appreciative. You might have an accent, and that just makes you seem classier. You get shoe shines and dry clean your coats once a season and you always, always bring your own blanket on a flight.

The Cheapie IKEA

There's a wine stain on one of the cushions but you just flipped it over and forgot about it. No biggie! You'll read any article that has the word "hack" in the title and you truly believe that a pop of color can make all the difference (except for that wine stain!).

The Old World

You have season tickets for the ballet and you actually go. Afterwards you describe the performance with words like "lush" and "sumptuous." You wouldn't dream of ordering wine by the glass — it's gauche — but, once in a while, you go to Dairy Queen by yourself, order a large Oreo blizzard and eat every bite while sitting at a plastic table. You're a contradiction.

The Hand-Me-Down

When your grandma/weird aunt/neighbor offered you this sofa for free, you probably said something like, "Radical, thanks Grams." You'd never think of reupholstering it because you think threadbare is a badge of honor. When you pick up a new record or old photograph of a stranger at a flea market you always ask the vendor if he knows the story behind it. You own and use a backpack.

The Leather

In a zombie apocalypse you're the one who gets to hold the gun. If you shave at 6am, you're halfway to a full 'stash by lunch. GQ wishes they could do a profile of you but you wouldn't be caught dead in such a pansy-ass rag. You know how to sail but you prefer to have your feet on solid ground and when prodded, you can play a mean drum solo.

The Endless Sectional

You have a cookie jar and it's always full of fresh, homemade treats. You might even have a pool. You're still watching American Idol and you vote every week. You like caramel flavored coffee and when your hairstylist says you need to come in for a trim every six weeks, you actually do. Strangers are constantly stopping you on the street to ask for directions and you always know the way they should go (or even a handy shortcut!).

The Mid-C Classic

You make your bed every morning because you believe that good habits lead to a happy life (and you're not wrong). You can rock a Mad Men costume party like a boss. You don't like to lounge so much as side sit — knees together — for a Sanka and a chat when your neighbor stops to thank you for watering her plants while she was out of town. You have a signature scent.

The Neutral

You could talk all day about "investment pieces," and you frequently do. You always have your eye out for a kicky pillow or new lamp to mix up your look because, well, "it goes with anything; it's just so versatile." When a guest stops by unexpectedly you can have a tray of butter cookies or fancy olives ready in mere minutes and then ask if they'd prefer still or sparkling water with lemon. You're usually wearing a blazer.

The Statement Sofa

You own and wear several styles of hats and they look great on you. When you go to the farmer's market, you make sure to inquire about each vendor's organic certification and crop rotating practices before loading the veggies into your woven straw tote bag. You can say the word "bespoke" without a hint of irony. You're worried about blood diamonds and your children call you by your first name.

The White Wonder

You're confident in a "why wouldn't I have a white couch?" way. You can't even imagine a scenario that involves dirt. You have bouncy, Disney-princess hair which you deep-condition religiously once a week. You can get your UPS guy to break the rules for you just because you asked really nice. You used to be a cheerleader but only because "you really, really loved dance," and now you're awesome at tennis. You never leave the house without floss.

Hey guys, this is supposed to be funny. Let's all read with a lighthearted tone, mmmmkay?

Thanks for the idea, Man Repeller.

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