So true. If I go to a messy house, I'm grateful to be invited into someone's space. And I don't just how they live. I don't live there and I'm glad to live in my own space - and mess.

Don't point out what's not done. When people are having a good time together, they're looking at each other and enjoying the ambiance of your invitation!

Where did this weird insecurity to "have everything perfect" come from? I definitely feel it myself, but I remember being in my 20s and having people over all the time, whether I'd cleaned up or not. Nobody cared and we all had a blast. What is it about 'growing up' that turns us all into June Cleaver? Is it the Martha Stewart phenomenon? Is it home magazines? Our consumer culture? Is it June Cleaver?

I personally hate this pressure feeling and long for the days when I didn't feel like I had to do something special to have people over. It's nice when you set an amazing table with napkins sculpted into the shape of leaping dolphins, but it really doesn't add to the party. I'd rather be with friends in a cozy mess, than alone in a cozy mess.

YES! Pointing out to one's guests what I've yet to do, or clean, or paint, or fix...is conversation focused on the negatives. It's so easy to do it, especially while feeling somewhat self conscious about those said things. As a rule of thumb...ask yourself if you have EVER not enjoyed an invitation to someone's home because their carpets were frayed, or their dishes did not all match perfectly, or if their baseboards needed dusting, etc. We need to remind ourselves how good it feels to be included in the "fun"...the tasting... the conversations...the laughter...the POSITIVEness of the get-together. Tidiness and gentle organization is easy to do...DEEP CLEANING AND MAGAZINE PERFECT DECOR...ugh!!
Let's make a decision to NOT let those things keep us from the social interaction we enjoy. You may be surprised that loosening the 'standards' a little, makes one's guests feel more comfy and possibly encouraged to host the next get-together.

Who's up for cards around the kitchen table this weekend?

Good questions and something to be explored, slocumnavigator.

Part of it for me comes from my growing up years. My mother stayed at home and kept a very clean and uncluttered house. I work and have been in school or volunteering during my adult life and cleaning and such has not been as easy, though sometimes a priority. I've learned more to clean for myself and to show my home some love, but I sometimes revert to cleaning out of some external urge. Having said all of that, my childhood home was always ready for company and company was welcome. I had friends whose mothers would not let anyone else in and still know people today who do not.

Over the past few years I have become more tolerable of my space and letting friends come over. I do not like clutter and keep it picked up much of the time (though the last few years not as much as before) and I can handle a little dust being around. The main times I sweat it now is if someone is coming to my home who might only be there once ever, who is coming there for the first time, or if it is my mother. That's my confession to you all.

Some really great advice! We're trying to embrace a "lived in" house: at a party my husband and I hosted, a girl's uncapped stiletto dented our hardwoods like a woodpecker gone wild. We didn't tell the girl, and my hubs and I just laughed it off and view it as added distressing and charm. It was worth the fun night with friends.

However, I am a coaster nut, and I physically can't relax if I see a condensation-covered glass on my vintage teak MCM tables. I just keep coasters on every table and discretely slip one under the glass/bottle when no one's looking.

I stopped stressing about having people over years ago. Just be sure your bathroom is clean, plan on at least one broken glass, and let the fun begin!

I had a housewarming party once where a guest spilled a freshly-poured glass of merlot down my brand-new-just-installed white room-divider curtains. 60 seconds of panic ensued, and then realizing that nothing really effective could be done without taking the curtain down (which I wasn't about to do with 40 people over), I moved on. I think it was my hosing "awakening" ... I wasn't about to be the only person NOT enjoying my housewarming b/c of something I couldn't control.

And thanks to OxyClean and some patience, the wine came out!

How you grow up definitely has a lot to do with it. My mother worked a lot and didn't take too much care in cleaning or making homecooked meals. When I grew up, I put pressure on myself to make sure I was a good cook and could prepare really good homecooked meals because I didn't have many of them growing up. The house might not be perfect, but the food has to be delicious and has to be perfectly cooked.

I'd love tips on how to gracefully go through "parties" that involve people staying over for several days (or up to a week) because they're coming long distance. We do this regularly, and while I love it, I find it a challenge because you can't do Everything in advance so they're going to watch or help... you have to deal with their stuff cluttering things up worse than usual... and I find it hard to transition everyone from regular time to party time. It's like it all blends together at the most casual level so you lose the feel of having an "event."

It's really hard for me to have anyone over, not so much related to state of clean--it's always neat, & if I know you're coming I'll vacuum up the dog hair--but, I think, because I've never learned how. My (bad) childhood home was reasonably clean, but incredibly cluttered & messy, & since my parents had no friends we had no visitors. I did learn how to make friends, but have never really learned how to mae them comfortable in my space. I'm also very insecure about my cooking, & find it hard to believe that people might really be enjoying what I've made for them--I now where that came from, too.
Enough soul-baring. My church group is coming over tonight, & I need to go bake cookies for them. (But will they REALLY like them.....?)

@ 3dogma: I hear you. My mom was always very insecure about having people over and very self-conscious about our "little" home, and I think that's why -- even though I'm pretty good at making friends -- I have trouble relaxing and having friends relax in my home. My place is pretty tidy and I'm a decent cook but I get insecure. I find that putting some music on before folks arrive helps fill up any empty/awkward spaces.

In fact, this is something I want to work on more this year, just having people OVER for dinner or whatever and not feeling like it has to be a production.

A few weekends ago, a friend from out of town spent the night and in the morning said something about how it's always so comfortable and relaxing being at my place.

I literally was speechless, with my jaw hanging open. I guess my perception is VERY off from the perception of my friends!

Amen. Is the point of socializing at home to score hostess points for decor or culinary skill, or for you and your guests to be comfortable and have a good time? The days of the stay-at-home wife orchestrating an impress-the-boss dinner for her breadwinner are largely gone, and good riddance ("Man Men" notwithstanding).

I can't tell you how many times I've been at a house party when there are no clean towels or toilet paper. Please remember to clean and stock your bathrooms, people.

The other essential is easy access to the drinks even when the room gets crowded. Last weekend I was at a party in a huge house, and all the drinks were against the back wall of the kitchen. So 20 people were jammed in the kitchen between the wall and the island. If only they had put out a drink cart in the living room or on the dining table, I might have actually gotten one :(

I agree, though I think there are some basics that people should get down, and that this leads to an overall "good time." For instance, I don't expect a really impressive or spectacular meal, but I think it should taste good and should be made well. I don't think it even has to be seasonal or made from scratch or anything, though I hope I wouldn't be getting hamburger helper or anything like that. And like Parnassus said, toilet paper and clean towels. The basics.

I used to have people over when I was in my 20s. I remember some fantastic parties in my first apartment.

Sadly, something changed a number of years ago regarding a fairly severe anxiety and I can't relax. As a result, for the very reason that I don't want my guests to feel uncomfortable (even though I really just want them to relax even if I can't), I don't have anyone over. When I saw this was on the January Cure list, I felt sick.

I'd like to get back to the parties I used to have in my 20s someday.

@3dogma, If they don't like your cookies, we can send you our addresses and you can ship to us for "taste testing."

My first years in my own home I lived in a fairly large city (Nashville). To be honest, the trips to my friends house and theirs to mine were few and far between...probably because of Nashville traffic and the distance. We often met at restaurants close to someone's work or to an event we were attending or halfway in between. When people came over, it was kind of a big deal. Then I moved to a small city about an hour north of Nashville. Traffic is easier and unless you live in another county, people are pretty close, especially my friends. I tend to have company at least once a week on average. I've had people over more, have even had people call and ask they can drop by to give me something. I've had friends stop by when I have been sick with orange juice or flowers. My sister spends the night some in the winter so she does not have to make her commute in bad weather. My friends and I watch ball games and sometimes movies. I had a movie day last winter and need to have another. We watched Pride & Prejudice, climbed into a car to go to a cafe to eat, came back and watched The Jane Austen Book Club. I had friends over a while back to discuss a book and watch something I'd taped on Oprah that related to the book. Everyone brought food and I did some things, too. There was no planning so we took a risk of all deserts, but that didn't happen. The food was all healthy and delicious and it felt great to have people there. I sometimes still clean like a demon when I have company coming (MOM!) but now I am comfortable with most people seeing my house, freckles and all.

We rarely had people over when I was growing up because my mom also complained about our small house and because my parents weren't social due to a perpetual lack of money (4 kids in a 2BR/1BA on one income, yet somehow we were all sent to parochial school). As a result, I gravitated toward friends whose parents loved having family friends over, and I vowed to myself at a very young age to keep my doors as open as I can to anyone I know. For a messy girl like me, this was quite the vow, but so far I've kept it, and at least every other week (aside from illness) some dear or new friend is over for brunch, Sunday lunch cookouts, or even midweek meals. I never liked having to ask to have friends over as a kid because I was told no 95% of the time, so now I am thrilled at the gift of being able to have them over as often as I like.

Now, as I said, I'm messy, but this is vow also a gift to myself and a safeguard against my mess--I know that if I am having someone over, I will have to clean up at least the floors and horizontal surfaces in my home, and if someone has dust or pet dander allergies, I have even more incentive (love!) to clean thoroughly. My own breathing and sanity benefit from it, though, so once the place is clean I'm more likely to keep it that way--and I often nail down plans to host someone else only a few days after the last dinner so I can clean once but enjoy twice!

Last thought: someone told me once that when he moved out of his childhood home, his mom told him to always have popcorn kernels and tea bags--always. When he asked what she meant, she said because you don't need more than that to have an impromptu party if you have true friends. I think it's true. Your friends love you. Just feed them something edible, provide a place to sit, and be present. It all will take care of itself.

Good for you Diana in BGKY!

I used to be a stressed party hostess and it was not fun at all, especially bc I love having all my friends in one place and love for them to come to me. I have learned to do as much beforehand as possible (pick out outfit, music, lay out place settings, cook beforehand). Another party I enjoy is having everyone bring a bottle of wine and I provide apps. That cuts down on the stress as well. I also try to stock frozen apps and alcohol in case people want to come over impromptu. Life is too short not to spend time together 'breaking bread' and if someone judges your place on how it looks they aren't really friends. They should be happy with an invite!

p.s. On a side note, I am not afraid to say "Come over! My place is not 'ready' but I still want to see you!"

@Maybe Someday, remember a party can be three people. It doesn't have to be huge to be fun, and relaxing.

Hosting has always been stressful for me. I grew up with parents who didn't entertain (my father was remarkably anti-social) and have had a couple of nasty incidents with sharp-tongued guests as an adult, so I pretty much limit my invitations to my daughter and her friends, who enjoy my cooking and psychotic chihuahuas.

Thanks for the excellent tips. I didn't do the Cure but followed the postings. When plan a party appeared, we decided to have a Ground Hog Day party. Took AT's suggestion and used Paperless Post invites (so much better than evites). We recently had the exterior of our home painted. To make a workspace for the paint crew, we moved all the stuff filling our garage since we moved in almost 4 years ago to the living room. Bins stacked 5 and 6 high! Setting a date for the party spurred us to get shelving set up in the garage and finish going through all that stuff. Now after numerous trips to Goodwill, 11 (!!) empty bins, a clean living room and a clean and organized garage, we're ready to party. We'll celebrate GHD--the mid-point of winter, our newly painted home, our now functioning garage. We and our guests won't mind the strips of flooring that still need to be replaced, the fireplace that still needs to be repaired, the sectional that still needs to be recovered, or the bathrooms still waiting to be remodeled. There's time for all this in the future along with the parties to celebrate their completion.

I love this. I love hosting, and most of the people I have over know me well enough that I have no problem shrugging off the piles of "stuff" that manages to accumulate in the hallway. Recently we hosted our pastor and his wife (who is an amazing cook and the most gracious hostess you could ever imagine). I found myself panicking about their visit, until I remembered that I wasn't trying to "sell" us--they already like us, wanted to spend time with us, and wouldn't judge my imperfect apartment. We had a great time. =)

@Krikkit--same! In-laws will be staying for 4 weeks and we have a toddler and two bedrooms. Would love some long-term hosting and meal provision advise.

I had a high stress mother, so I think I get my company-is-coming-over-they'll-judge-me-for-not-being-perfect stress from her. I tell myself it's silly, and yet I still fret over the littlest things. If I'm inviting my friends over, why do I even care if they see a little clutter or dust? They're my *friends*, they like me for me, not my housekeeping. And it's not like I've ever in my life been in someone's home and thought, 'Oh, they didn't dust the baseboards', so I really can't imagine anyone will even notice the little things I feel I must do. With in-laws coming to stay, however, I think some of that cleaning panic is justified...

to krikket and madame P
i lived in nyc and moved to the country , weekend guests became common, the best
is to bake ahead of time....muffins...all kinds.....freeze them and serve in the morning
with cinnamon butter or strwberry butter...etc.....lunch is easy...dinner make and freeze sauces for pasta...freeze some lasagna and don't forget to barbacue....easy peesy...

I used to have people over and then stopped because I too have experienced more than a few nasty incidents with sharp-tongued people and it turned me off. It feels like too much effort and work now. I always preferred small groups though, if I were to entertain as one gets to know people better, which should be the point. Wish people cultivated a more gracious and generous attitude towards others as if they did they would probably get more invites. Who knows what the future will hold and maybe I'll meet better people and feel once again more willing to invite them over. Actually the plumber that came over was a very nice and decent sort--not pretentious and competitive and it was nice not being judged for the imperfect state my house is in. Life is difficult enough at times -- people need to learn to be less critical and more gracious.

Have your friends over anytime. Anyone else can meet you at a restaurant.

I had the fortunate opportunity to have lived in a house that had an open door policy growing up as my parents were just such people and that meant friends often spent hours at our house, an average split entry middle class home that barely fit us 4 kids, and the 'rents, and at least 2 dogs and a cat at one time, even though it had 2 full baths, and 4 bedrooms.

Mom was the stay at home Mom, but learned much of her hosting skills from being a military wife to my Dad who was Air Force and that helped make that possible.

Plus, my Mom grew up in a large, close knit family in Jacksonville Fl and my Dad upon seeing that as he never did, wanted all of that, and helped Mom strive for that goal, and accomplished it. Coming home from school, I would often find Mom sewing or ironing, or doing the wash, or all of them at once, if not that, she would be planning out dinner, and getting that started so she can have it on the table by 6pm or so.

Sadly, that's all gone now as both parents are gone, but the lessons of that have rubbed off on at least one of us, my youngest sister, as she and her hubby have kept that tradition alive with their 2 girls, now adults.

I don't socialize much now for a variety of reasons as I seclude myself - and it's not a conscious thing, just is due to hard times in my life right now - and in the past few years but feel the need to rectify that as the year progresses.

When I DO have people over, I do pick up and tidy, even if no vacuuming and stuff like that, but at least the place looks like it's kept reasonably clean and in some semblance of order is all I care about, especially for first timers.

I do feel embarrassed when I've not done much to pick up in over a week and you see crap on the floor, clean laundry still in the laundry basket (folded), dishes piled up waiting to be washed if I can help it, so a quick blitz picking up helps a ton in putting the place to rights enough to have guest over. Besides, I feel better if my place is not in such a shambles to begin with, even just for me only.

Just imagine the people invited over are thinking "Whew, I don't have to clean up MY place for tonight.". And clean laundry folded in the laundry basket isn't a mess in my book.

I have the home, the four kids and the quiet husband and entertaining is a large part of my life. I want the kids to have social interaction with actual human beings and I make them participate in a clean up process when company is coming, but there is never perfection. It's more of a "make do" vibe.

I have never been a clean freak, but I have noticed that the only nasty people to ever comment are the ones LEAST likely to invite me to their home, so I have no choice but to laugh them off.

I have the home, the four kids and the quiet husband and entertaining is a large part of my life. I want the kids to have social interaction with actual human beings and I make them participate in a clean up process when company is coming, but there is never perfection. It's more of a "make do" vibe.

I have never been a clean freak, but I have noticed that the only nasty people to ever comment are the ones LEAST likely to invite me to their home, so I have no choice but to laugh them off.

I use parties, or even just one friend coming over, as an excuse to get my house clean. In my mind, that's part of hosting. I like to give the people I love a beautiful, relaxing, cozy place to spend time, and I don't mind the little bit of stress that may come with it.

I looooove hosting, but I'm unfortunately stuck in a tiny apartment with a very messy roommate who pretty much lives in front of the television. I can't wait to move and be able to have awesome parties again. My last party was for 40 people, I made everything myself, and everyone had a great time (including me).

Some things I've picked up to make life easier:
*Try to make as much of the food as you can the day before.
*Put "food" food in one area, drinks in another area, and strategically place snacks/finger foods in another, as much as is feasible in your space.
*People WILL congregate in the kitchen so try to clean up as much as you can.
*Have extra hand towels in the bathroom and put an extra roll of TP out so people don't have to dig in your cabinets.
*Leave your plunger next to the toilet, just in case. Nobody wants to be that guy.
*If you have a pet, put a note on the door letting people know whether or not it's ok for them to escape/come inside. Mine always said "FYI: Kitty can come and go as she pleases."
*Strategically place kitchen towels in a reasonably conspicuous place in every room people will gather in. It makes it sooooo much easier when the inevitable spill happens. People don't feel like they have to scramble to find a towel and/or pull you away to take care of cleanup.
*Don't be afraid to ask the stragglers to help you clean up at the end of the night. Just piling things in the kitchen and taking care of trash is a HUGE help at the end of the night.