I Almost Lost My Home in My Divorce — Here’s What I Wish I’d Known Before I Filed

This post has been written under a pseudonym to protect the privacy of its subjects.

When my now ex-husband and I purchased our home in Wisconsin, we decided to put the home under only my name — mainly because his credit was terrible to non-existent, and our real estate lawyer said it would be better to leave him off the paperwork. To be honest, I didn’t want the house at all, but my ex pressured me into buying it because, well, that’s how he was. I caved, bought the home, and regretted it because of all the things that needed to be repaired (things my ex said he would fix, but never did), among other things.

I didn’t think about the home being in my name much until we got divorced. In fact, when we began the divorce process, I believed I would be able to keep the house without a fight, as it was only under my name. Imagine my shock, then, when my soon-to-be ex threatened to take my house, and my divorce lawyer said he could do it because we lived in a “community property” state — a state where property gained during the marriage becomes mutually owned. The whole situation felt absurdly unfair. I didn’t want the house to begin with, but he forced my hand. Then he threatened to take it from me — even though he had already moved to Minnesota with no plans to return.

I wasn’t about to let that happen. I didn’t like the home, but I wasn’t giving it up. I fought to keep my house and, ultimately, after about six months I won. I ended up selling it a year later for a massive profit, thanks to updates I did myself. If you’re nearing divorce or in a similar situation, you’ll need to think about the following to protect yourself and ensure you’re able to keep your home.

Moving is expensive, divorce is expensive, moving because you’re getting a divorce is extra expensive. But before you dig your heels in and try to keep your home, you should consider if you’re actually able to keep your home on your new income level. You may want to keep it, but can you?

“I see people so emotionally attached to a house, or perhaps emotionally attached to the idea of not moving, that they stay even when they can’t afford it,” says Christina Previte, founder and managing attorney at Wolf Esquires, a family law practice in New Jersey that specializes in divorces. “That can have dire consequences, especially if the deal is already done when you realize it.”

My divorce in Wisconsin cost about $5,000 due to lawyer fees; for couples with children, that number will be even larger. My expenses were on the low end, too. Lawyer-search website FindLaw notes that the cost of divorcing varies by state, but you could pay upwards of $14,000 or more. Factor in the costs of your own impending divorce first, then look at what you have planned for the next year of spending. 

Be honest with yourself about the things you spend money on throughout the year, and make a full, detailed budget. Previte says not to forget the once-a-year expenses, like snow removal, lawn care, and homeowners insurance. Then, figure out your take-home pay. If you find you can afford the home, fantastic! You’ll move onto the next steps. If not, it’s time to think about selling. 

I made my own budget and learned I could stay in my home, thanks to low costs of living in Wisconsin. But being a born-and-bred Chicagoan, I knew I would sell the house at some point, so I could get back to the city. This meant any costs I incurred would be temporary.

When my ex threatened to take my home I didn’t believe he could do it because he wasn’t named on any of the property documents, and I paid the mortgage. But my divorce lawyer told me that Wisconsin is a “community property” state, which is why I could have lost my home. 

In community property states, everything you each obtain during the course of the marriage becomes owned by both parties. So, if I bought a car after I got married and paid it off in full with my own money and no help from my spouse, that car would be half-owned by my spouse regardless. Thankfully, only nine states are community property states: Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, and Wisconsin, so if you are considering divorce, you need to know that assets that might be yours still technically belong to both of you.

The remaining states are “equitable distribution” states. That means everything obtained during the marriage will be split equitably between the couple. That could end up being a half-and-half split, or it could be something different, based on what the court decides. The court will factor in children, commutes, pre-marital debt or assets, careers, and more. Perhaps one half of the couple keeps the house and the other keeps the car, because one person drives to work and the other works from home. Depending on each person’s circumstances, that could be considered equitable, as long as both parties agree either outright or through negotiations.

You’ll need to determine which type of state you live in, and enter negotiations with your divorce attorneys from that point.

The first thing you want to do if you’re planning to keep your house is to get your ex-spouse off of the mortgage and deed immediately, either by paying off the full mortgage right away if you can, or refinancing into just your own name (which removes the spouse from the mortgage and the deed). Ideally you’d do this before the divorce, so it doesn’t become a point of contention during legal proceedings.

“I see people do deals where one just stays on the mortgage with no real plan for how to get them off [the mortgage and deed],” Previte says. “Don’t do that. If you do, make sure there’s an escape hatch if the plan goes awry, and be sure to consult with an attorney who does estate planning. If one of you dies, there will be probate issues if your settlement agreement isn’t solid.”

Once you’ve gotten your spouse off the mortgage and deed, be sure you get one critical document: a quitclaim deed. This document transfers all claims of ownership one person has over a property to another person — in this case, from spouse to spouse. Previte says to get one even if your ex-spouse was never even on the deed in the first place. 

“[A quitclaim deed] basically means whatever [financial] interest they have, even if it’s nothing, they are waiving it and giving it to you,” she says. “It can help avoid any potential title issues in the future, as marriage creates property rights even if the ex-spouse was never on the deed. It’s just good practice.”

Previte’s final piece of advice is something to consider before you even get married: Don’t pay off your marital home with an inheritance (you won’t get that money back in a divorce), and don’t put your spouse on the deed if you fully own your house before getting married (you might lose the house and all the money you paid for it).

For me, I finally got my home out of my ex’s clutches through a quitclaim deed and, sadly, a threat. He had lied on our divorce papers about his address, so my lawyer and I used the prospect of potential jail time for perjury to sway him toward signing the deed. I learned all of the above through the process of reclaiming my house to be fully mine and, truly, if I actually liked the home I’d probably still be living there today.

Looking back now, knowing I was going to sell the home, I still would have fought to keep it. The money I made from the sale paid off all the debt I incurred from my unemployed ex-husband, and I’m in a much better place now because of it: remarried, living in Chicago, and happier than I’ve ever been. And although it would have been nice to know everything that was going to happen in my previous marriage, and to understand all the nuances of homeownership during divorce, I do feel like I’ve come out on top educationally, as well — because now I can share the information and help someone else in the same process.