8 Hiding Spots That Are Better Than Joe Goldberg’s in “You”

If you’re a serial killer, you can just skip this article.

In Netflix’s hit series “You,” Joe Goldberg (Penn Badgley) is a brilliant but deranged bookstore manager who has a toxic—if not lethal—obsession with the women he comes across. As each season’s plot unravels, we see him doing what he does best: And that’s doing the worst, which includes but is not limited to, stalking, manipulating, and killing everyone.

But what he’s not really good at is hiding things, which if he was, then the series would have ended long ago (it’s been renewed for a third season).

If your name isn’t Joe Goldberg, and you just want a safe place to stash your valuables (read: not murder evidence), then take a look at our list below: 

A relatively easy DIY that will not only keep your stuff safe but will also make your apartment smell good. Simply take a large candle, flip it over, hollow out the center, put in your personal effects, and seal the bottom with a disk you can form by melting all the wax shavings from earlier. You can then place the candle’s price tag back to truly conceal it.

Like the scented candle above, this one is also dual purpose. The secret door in your shower can hide both your valuables and unsightly plumbing. According to Moscow-based craftsman Dmitri Drozdov, there are two kinds of mechanisms to open the hatch, by applying pressure with your hand or by pulling it open with a suction cup. No one will ever suspect a thing (ok, maybe your plumber will).

Mayonnaise can be polarizing, but it’s also probably the last place someone would try to look for valuables. If you really hate mayo that much (we can’t blame you), you can use other containers, like a water bottle or a used Pringles can.

You won’t even need a green thumb to make this DIY. You’ll only need a fake plant, a flower pot, a small plastic container, a craft knife, and a hot glue gun. Instructables user M3G shows us how it’s done. And the best thing about it? No watering needed.

Hiding your key under the doormat is like having your password set as “password.” The same goes for hiding it under flower pots and rocks. This birdhouse will not only add a dash of whimsy to your porch but will actually keep your keys safe. Bonus if you have a parrot that squawks and screams whenever a stranger approaches it.

Forget books with secret compartments. Family albums are better. Think about it, no one ever looks at them, and yet, no one really throws those things away. If you need an easily-accessible but incognito place to stash your extra cash, stick your money inside those dusty albums and set it aside. No one will ever know.

Just imagine those burglars breaking in through your window, searching your house for priceless stuff but coming out empty handed, unaware that your valuables were actually underneath them all along. What’s also neat about this hidden drawer is that it’s additional storage space but without the visual clutter.

Remember that scene in “National Treasure: Book of Secrets” wherein Ben Gates (Nicolas Cage) found a treasure clue inside a hidden compartment of the Resolute Desk? You too can hide your own treasures in your own secretive desk. This futuristic take by Tanc by Design involves hovering a pen holder over the concealed panel, which will automatically slide right out upon activation. Beat that, Nic Cage!