I Asked a Psychologist Why I Feel Complicated About Moving Home for the Summer — and She Gave Me This Ingenious Advice

I sit on my back deck, surrounded by the tall, vibrantly green plants my dad carefully nurses, and the twinkling string lights my mom hung around them. The summer air smells like marching band practice — those hot New Jersey nights I spent in high school with my friends on the football field, practicing for the upcoming fall competition season. We’d gossip during water breaks and make plans to get ice cream after practice, when we’d laugh in a parking lot together, feeling sticky and tired. 

None of those friends are home this summer, but that old summer feeling lingers. A new batch of teenagers run on our high school football field, while my kindergarten friends and I celebrate our 21st birthdays and make biannual plans to convene and talk about our internships, study abroad experiences, and bad dates. 

I’ve always been a sensitive soul, but this summer feels especially riddled with nostalgia. It’s a combination of things that contribute to this feeling, ultimately resulting in a persistent existential dread. I’ve wondered if other college students felt the same, and what I could do about it.

I move slower at home, insulated from the fast, internal noise that generates inside my brain during the school year when I’m fueled by the endless college assignments, insecurities, planning out my meals, and navigating new friendships. At home I’m reminded of my fear of growing up, straying too far from home, too far from my parents, too far from my old bedroom that sits there year-round waiting for my return. As an adult living in this home that housed me through so many different periods of life, I feel so incredibly overwhelmed by it. 

I reached out to Michelle Solomon, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in teen and young adult mental health, and who understands what I am experiencing. Solomon reassured me that what I’m feeling is normal, especially as a rising senior in college, when people my age are navigating adulthood at different paces and watching old friendships change. 

I, for one, have been dealing with living far away from my best friend of 15 years and watching her set up a new life in a different state — we’ve gone from hanging out daily to seeing each other during a few weekend trips a year.

When Solomon told me to “honor how you feel,” I had a sense of relief. I realized I can just allow myself to feel sad, to validate this piece of me that feels like it’s grieving an old life, instead of avoiding confronting those feelings of loss that have bubbled up inside me. “The friendship is still there,” Solomon says, “but it’s different, it’s changed, and that’s a loss.” 

Her advice to me and my peers dealing with these feelings is to focus on your own goals, forge your own path that feels good for you. She asked, “Where do you find meaning? Where do you want to be, and also, can you have appreciation and gratitude for where your friends are?”

Solomon also recommends practicing the “10 fingers of gratitude” at the end of your day. When you force your brain to think of 10 things you’re grateful for, you’re wiring your brain to find things that feel good, instead of searching for the negative, Solomon explains. “You’re creating that new neural pathway by forcing yourself to think of 10, and it can be really simple.” She says something as basic as appreciating your nail polish color can be one of your things. 

Solomon refers to this time as a “pressure cooker” for identity development. “College puts identity development on hyperdrive,” she says. “It brings up a lot of discomfort.” 

Basically, these anxious feelings may stick around when you head back to school in the fall. I know, even when I’m back on campus, I’ll struggle to ease my thoughts about whether I am doing enough and working hard enough, and I’m haunted constantly by the fear of not getting a job when I graduate. 

To help combat “future tripping,” or worrying about your future path, Solomon recommends setting intentions for the day when you wake up in the morning. “That can be really grounding, and that can bring you back into the present moment,” she says. Ask yourself the questions: What do you want to feel? Who do you want to connect with? What is a goal or something that you’re working toward? “This gives you some sense of control over how you choose to spend your day,” she says.

As I reflect on my summer living at home and Solomon’s advice, I’m reminded of a candle my dad keeps in his office, a gift from my mom. The candle has a quote on it by Max Ehrmann that I often consider: “Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.” It may be cheesy, but sometimes the best advice is. 

This post originally appeared on Dorm Therapy. See it there: I’ve Got Existential Feels About Living at Home for the Summer. Here’s How I’m Working Through Them