Here’s What to Write in a Sympathy Card, According to Therapists
When a friend or coworker loses a loved one, it’s so hard to know what to say to ease their pain. Sometimes, not knowing leads to the common phrase, “there are no words.”
But words can — and very much do — matter during moments of grief. A few kind words help acknowledge the loss and let the person know that you’re thinking of them, versus awkwardly tip-toeing around (or, worse, avoiding) them until they stop being so sad. Words can help someone feel seen during a particularly difficult time.
If speaking directly to someone who has experienced a loss is difficult for you, either because you just don’t know what to say or because you’re not in the same geographic location, consider sending a sympathy card. It’s a nonintrusive way to let someone know you care, without requiring any response or action on their part.
“A sympathy card is always appropriate,” says Sanam Hafeez, a New York-based neuropsychologist. “If the person grieving does not want to be in contact with anybody else for various reasons, a sympathy card is a kind gesture.”
This little note doesn’t have to be a Pulitzer contender to get your message across, either — even a short memo that expresses your concern and compassion can go a long way. Here’s how to craft a meaningful, authentic sympathy card for someone who is grieving.
Include specific details.
If you knew the person who died — or if your friend often told you stories about them — draw on those details to draft your sympathy card. Mention their best characteristics, like a great sense of humor, or mention how much you know the person meant to the note’s recipient. If these types of sentiments are true, add something like, “He was so proud of you,” or, “She loved you so much,” as a way of recognizing the importance of the recipient’s relationship with their loved one.
Whatever you write, be authentic and genuine. “Writing a few lines about their special qualities and nostalgic memories will mean a great deal,” Hafeez says.
Be mindful of religion.
If you know the family of the deceased well enough to know their religion, then feel free to send a sympathy card that aligns with those beliefs. But when in doubt, stick with a neutral, secular card so as not to offend anyone during an already hard time, says Hafeez.
Steer clear of phrases that minimize the death.
Grieving a loved one is challenging, period. Avoid trite phrases that try to make a bad situation seem more positive, such as, “They lived a long life,” “They’re in a better place,” and “Everything happens for a reason,” suggests Hafeez.
Instead, focus on phrases that acknowledge and validate the feelings your friend is experiencing. Reinforce the idea that you are a source of support. Rafeez recommends phrases like, “I am always here for you,” “My love and support are with you,” and, “Take as much time as you need to heal,” instead.
“Constantly remind whoever has experienced a loss that you are always there for them,” she says. “Reassurance is important when supporting someone who is undergoing difficult times.”
Follow up.
If you are especially close to the person you are sending the card to, follow up with them in a few weeks via phone, text, or email.
“When people are grieving, they may feel as though the world has moved on from their loss, which can increase isolation and loneliness,” says Brad Brenner, a psychologist based in Washington, D.C. “I suggest putting a reminder in your calendar to reach out a few months later. Call them or send them a letter or card in the mail. That can be a powerful reminder that they are less alone in their grief.”
And also don’t be offended if they don’t reply. They just may not have the capacity or the energy to do so.
Be realistic.
Offering your support and love in a general sense is one thing, but making promises to the grieving party is something else entirely. Make sure to keep the note realistic about the ways you can help, says Jana Wu, a licensed clinical social worker and head of outpatient services Mountainside Treatment Center in Chappaqua, New York.
“Don’t say, ‘Call me any time,’ for example, if you can’t make time for that person in your schedule,” she says.
Know that it’s never too late.
If time got away from you or you simply learned of the death later, remember that it’s never too late to send a sympathy card, says Wu.
“Grief has no time limit,” she says. “You can preface your words of comfort by saying that you recently found yourself thinking about the person who died and sharing a story about them if you have one. People are often bombarded with displays of emotional support at the time of the death of a loved one, but healing does not take place in a matter of days or weeks, and it can be nice to know that there are still people thinking of your situation months or years later.”