How to Break Up with Your Partner When You Live Together, According to People Who’ve Been There
Breaking up with someone is never easy, but breaking up with someone you live with? That adds another layer of complexity. You wonder whether you moved in too soon or if there was a giant red flag you missed along the way (should their habit of leaving socks on the floor have been a warning?!). Then, there are leases to navigate and pieces of furniture to divvy up — and you can’t just leave and go to your own home when tensions are running high.
“Navigating the complexities of breaking up with a live-in partner can be an emotionally charged and challenging experience,” says Kristie Tse, founder at Uncover Mental Health Counseling. But she adds that it can be done with compassion.
To figure out how to break up with someone you live with, two therapists shared their professional opinions on the best way to do so with respect, while three women who’ve been there shared their personal experiences. Here’s what they had to say.
Who Should Move Out?
The first question that comes up when you break up with a live-in partner is as follows: Who’s going to move out? If someone individually owns the property or there’s only one person on the lease, then the answer may be simple. But when both names are on the lease or mortgage, it becomes a more complicated discussion.
And if there are children involved, the decision becomes even more loaded. Kristin Papa, licensed psychotherapist at Living Openhearted Therapy and Wellness, explains, “Proximity to one’s work or children’s school may also be a factor in if one of the partners chooses to stay in the home. If there are children involved, their well-being should be a priority in order for them to maintain some stability during a time of uncertainty.”
Tse points out that financial stability is often a critical factor in the decision. She says, “A key aspect of fairness in this situation is ensuring that both parties feel heard and respected throughout the process.”
This kind of financial dilemma is something Kylie* encountered in her breakup with a live-in partner. “I made significantly more money than my partner, and although our rent was not especially high, I knew my leaving would unfortunately put him in a tough spot financially,” says Kylie.
When she broke up with her partner, she gave him a two-month notice that she was searching for a new apartment. During that time, they alternated who stayed at the apartment. “Our lease was month-to-month, so he had the opportunity to leave or stay. If he wanted to leave, I wanted to give him the opportunity to find a new place with a bit of time.”
This leeway gave him time to process and make a decision that didn’t put him in a financial pickle.
How Should You Navigate the Financial and Practical Implications?
After you make the move-out decision, there’s often a lightning-strike moment where you realize how much there is to do. It’s not always a quick and easy, pack-your-bag-and-go situation. There are financial and life administrative tasks to untangle, and now you have to do this with someone you’ve just made a life-altering decision with (one that may or may not be mutual).
For Kylie, the key was making it all business. “At the risk of sounding cold, I really kept things as practical as possible. We did not have intermingled finances, thankfully — we’d take turns paying for groceries, I paid for most of our rent, and we each paid different utilities.”
As the breadwinner, Kylie decided to leave one month’s worth of rent and bills, but after that, she left the apartment, where her ex did decide to stay.
Lindsey Hall found that the pressure of navigating these practical considerations united her and her ex through an awkward process.
“We maintained a united front in terms of breaking our lease and our landlord trying to poke us for every dime imaginable,” says Hall. Her ex has no problem negotiating, while the idea of that confrontation makes her uncomfortable.
Hall explains, “We’d always chat about the right path forward with our landlord, then my ex took the lead on the conversations but heeded my more level-headed advice. I think that truly did help keep us both kosher.”
And, for Holly Ostrout, who’d struggled with broken trust following a previous breakup, her key was to set strict boundaries — ones that stayed in place as the two navigated continuing to live together. “We had six months left in the apartment lease. I moved into the spare room, but I made it very clear: We are done, we are not hook-ups, we are not even friends; we are roommates that share a rent payment and otherwise ignore each other,” she says.
How Do You Divide Up the Space?
In an ideal world, both partners come with their own furniture and home decor, and leave with those items. But more often, partners accrue lots of shared property while living together. So what do you do when you find yourselves fighting over a leather chair or a shiny new mixer?
Papa says that the process should be rooted in communication, compromise, and respect — but this is the ideal, not always the reality.
“One strategy is to make a detailed list of all the shared items so they can see what needs to be discussed. It’s important to consider not just the monetary value of the items, but also the sentimental value, which at times can be more difficult to split,” says Papa.
In some cases, for valuable items you can’t easily split, it might be worth one partner buying the other out. For example, one person taking the $5,000 Restoration Hardware sofa you bought last month probably isn’t going to work for the other partner. In that situation, the one who takes the sofa home should buy the other out at a price that makes sense (keep in mind that it’s like a car — it does lose value as soon as you take it home!).
Are There Legal Ramifications to Consider?
Anytime you’re making a change to a legal document, there could be ramifications. And a lease is, of course, a legal document, as is a mortgage. “It is important to consider property rights — especially if the couple is married or if they jointly own the property. If the couple is renting, they will need to evaluate possibly breaking the lease and the financial consequences of that decision,” says Papa.
If there’s a penalty for breaking your lease, you could end up paying a significant amount of money. All of a sudden, all of those couples that continue living together post-breakup make sense. Sometimes, it’s easier to grin and bear it for a few months rather than pay thousands of dollars or try to navigate the complexities of finding a lease loophole.
At the end of the day, the only person who can truly give you legal advice on how to best handle the situation is a lawyer. Tse explains, “It’s wise to consult with a legal professional to understand your rights and obligations, but approaching these decisions with a mindset of collaboration rather than conflict can help prevent unnecessary complications.”
Is There a Fair Solution?
All things considered, when it comes to how to break up with someone you live with, is there a fair way to do it?
Papa points out that fairness is subjective, and partners should discuss what it means to them individually. “Ideally a fair approach would involve open and honest communication and willingness to compromise in a reasonable fashion. The two individuals would evaluate the short-term and long-term implications for both parties when evaluating the fairness of dividing up assets,” says Papa.
She notes partners should factor the length of the relationship into these decisions, as well as the potential financial and non-financial contributions and impact on each person. It’s never going to be a one-size-fits-all solution, and what is fair will vary from couple-to-couple.
If a conversation between the two of you just isn’t working out, you may need to seek third-party help. “In the event the two individuals are not able to come to a reasonable agreement, it may be necessary to consult with a legal professional in order to ensure an equitable division of assets and responsibilities,” says Papa.
Wise Words from Those Who Have Been There
Of course, the people who can best advise on how to break up with someone you live with are those who’ve been there before. Here’s what the three women who shared their stories had to say.
Give Each Other Space
“It is important to be as pragmatic as possible during the move-out process. Breakups are so emotional, and hurt parties could make the situation worse if they choose to be vindictive,” says Kylie. “My ex-boyfriend and I gave each other a lot of space. He left the house for the entire day when I moved out.”
“I am fortunate that my ex-boyfriend was not a bad person; he just wasn’t the right person for me. In the breakup, we both chose to do the right thing at every turn. You can’t control your partner, but you can choose your actions. I recommend avoiding pettiness, giving each other space, and being as financially kind as possible,” says Kylie.
Avoid Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Hall says, “We both approached it respectfully overall. ‘What could obviously hurt the other person?’ was a pretty common thought. We didn’t go out of our way to be petty. If the coffee creamer was out, I got more to share, and vice versa. But I wouldn’t say it’s easy or flawless. There were lots of meltdowns at midnight, as simple as just taking art off the wall and it ending in tears for us both.”
“With a lot of love comes a lot of grief,” Hall says. “We had arguments throughout those final months, of course. It isn’t easy and emotions are high. But we never went past a certain barrier — I suppose we tried to keep the love we shared, and have, front and center, even on the hardest days.”
Talk About Your Boundaries
“The most important thing I learned from my first live-in breakup is that you have to communicate clearly what your boundaries are,” says Ostrout. “When you share a lease with someone, it can feel like you’re trapped there — like you either have to wait it out until the lease is over or live in a weird limbo state with them. If you know you can live through the weirdness for a few months, it’s possible to cohabitate after a breakup, but if you think they won’t respect your boundaries, then I would break the lease immediately and get out.”
*First name only used for privacy.