4 Conversations Therapists Say You Should Have Before Moving In with Your Partner

Some might argue that moving in together with your significant other is an even bigger transition than getting married. One day, you’re buying your own groceries and picking out whichever bedding catches your eye. Next, you’re deciding who’s going to remember to set up autopay on the water bill and holding out hope that the other person will wake up first and unload the dishwasher. 

Regardless of how you decide to pay the bills, moving in together is one of the most exciting relationship milestones. There’s that first night when you’re sitting in an apartment full of boxes eating takeout, those first traditions you establish in your new home, and the comfortable ease of knowing the other person will always be there (and the delight of that first weekend night where you get the place all to yourself again). 

If you’re mulling over moving in together, here’s how two therapists suggest approaching the decision and what you should discuss before committing to a lease.

Nearly 60% of adults between 18 and 44 move in with a partner at some point, and every single one of them is moving in at a different point. “There are no rule books regarding relationships, and there are no rules regarding if and when couples decide to move in together,” says Saba Harouni Lurie, LCSW, and owner and founder of Take Root Therapy. “Some couples move in together early in their relationships, while some wait until they’re in a long-term relationship.” 

Lurie notes that research has indicated many couples move in together around the one- to two-year mark, but that’s not a magic number. Cultural factors, personal expectations, and even financial circumstances all come into play. There’s no right or wrong — you have to figure out what works for you and your partner.

Mariam Hager, LCSW, founder and psychotherapist at Heart Mind Soul Practice, echoes that sentiment. She doesn’t advise clients on how long to wait. Instead, she says, “I help them explore motivations and expectations for the move-in and how to create house rules and norms for a smooth transition.”

Hager recommends mimicking the experience of living together prior to moving in by traveling for an extended period of time or staying longer at each other’s homes. “Getting to see each other for longer periods of time, doing daily activities helps to see how you get along,” she says.

Moving in together is one of those decisions that feels adult. And if you’re ready to make that decision, you’re also ready to have some serious conversations. Here are four factors that can help you decide if you’re ready to move in together.

While there’s no formula that equates length of dating to how well you know your partner, it is critical to make sure that you feel like you know and trust the person you’re moving in with.

Lurie encourages couples to see their partner as a whole, complex person. “Early in relationships, we tend to idealize our partners, but over time, we see them more clearly, including their flaws and limitations (which we all have),” she says. She also points out that knowing your partner means understanding how you can help them feel secure in their compatibility. 

Nicole in Los Angeles decided to move in with her partner because of that support and compatibility. “I saw that my partner cared about my comfort in all aspects including asking if the volume of what he was watching was too loud, being careful not to wake me up in the middle of the night, just generally being aware and mindful of his impact on me,” she says.

When you’re moving in together, you want to make sure you’re aligned on your goals. If getting married is important to you, you should feel comfortable discussing that. Lurie says, “I would encourage you to discuss your short-term and long-term goals and expectations about living with a partner to ensure you’re on the same page.”

Whether it’s over who took out the trash last or where you’re going to spend the holidays, disagreements will come up. The ability to talk through those disagreements can be the make-or-break moment, especially when you don’t have another place to retreat to. 

“It’s important to know that you can resolve conflicts together, as disagreements are bound to emerge when you live together. Living together may be exceptionally challenging if you can’t have difficult conversations and find resolution,” Lurie says.

If you’re ready to move in together, it means you’re ready to ask all the questions — how much your partner makes, whether they have debt, what their savings goals are, and anything else that will impact everything from the type of place you can afford to how you’ll pay for monthly living expenses.

Once you’ve decided to move in together, these tips will help make the transition easier and avoid unnecessary frustrations that can pop up along the way.

Do you remember the 36 Questions That Lead to Love? Think about these as the version for moving in together. Lurie recommends going through this list of questions to help guide you through the decision of moving in together.

• What excites you about living together?
• What worries you about living together?
• How will we figure out chores?
• What does your financial situation look like?
• How will we share financial responsibilities?
• How much alone time do you need?
• How much space do we need? 
• How much space can we afford?
• What are your deal-breakers when it comes to living with someone?
• What are your financial goals for the future?
• What are your relationship goals for the future?
• What does your morning routine look like right now? Evening routine?

Sometimes this decision is made for you — someone owns their place or there’s rent control on an apartment. Other times, you know you want to start fresh in a new space. 

Hager says, “I’ve seen it work well both ways. Sometimes moving into a brand-new space can cause more stress than an already established home, especially if it can be easily reconfigured to accommodate the newer occupant. Other times, couples can benefit from a new space that takes both people’s wants into account.”

Once you have the movers booked, the moving truck scheduled, and the loading dock reserved, you’ll feel a weight lift off your shoulders. And you two can focus on the exciting part — moving in together.

Working through logistics and important conversations doesn’t end on move-in day. It’s a continuous process making sure you two remain on the same page. Hager says, “I recommend having a scheduled household ‘meeting’ to check-in on how things are going.”

Part of communicating after you move in involves setting expectations around schedule. Hager suggests having a shared calendar, which helps keep track of individual and couple plans — and it’s especially important if you share a car or pet responsibilities. “The shared calendar really helps couples who live together get in sync with daily activities,” she says.

“The biggest issue I see come up with my clients when they first move in together is division of household chores and finances,” Hager says. Discuss early on who plans on doing what, how you’re divvying up both financial and household tasks, and what you would prefer to outsource (say, to a cleaning or meal delivery). 

This is especially critical when it comes to anything that has a monetary impact. “It’s important to have direct communication around finances, and how things will be divided. Everyone has different ways of viewing finances, and it’s important to figure out what works best for the specific household,” Hager explains.

When you go from having to schedule time together to being together all the time, it can be easy to take that dedicated time for granted. 

“There can be a shift when moving in together,” Hager says. “Couples go from being intentional and focused about their time together to feeling either overwhelmed by lack of alone time or feeling neglected because the time spent together doesn’t feel super connected.” Have open and honest conversations about how you’d like to spend time together and what routines are important to do together.