Bless Their Heart: Responses to Prying Questions From Nosy People

published Nov 23, 2016
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(Image credit: Esteban Cortez)

Oh, bless the nosy relatives and awkward acquaintances that we see this time of year. They mean well, right? They don’t want to hurt our feelings. They don’t mean to pry. And yet, oooof— navigating the holiday table can feel like House of the Flying Daggers, but instead of daggers it’s questions about jobs and housing and love interests and income and life goals and babies, all zinged at us over mashed potatoes and Nana’s famous dinner rolls.

So let’s prepare with some practice.

Ahem, the following is a list of potential scenarios in the vast sea of invasive questions and some prepared answers. These are just for fun, but it’s always a good idea to grease the wheel of quick comebacks around holiday time. Funny but true, I suppose!

Q: Are you dating anyone?

A: No but I am having a love affair with this prosciutto and melon situation.

Q: Are you seeing anyone?

A: I’m seeing that pie over there and it looks delish.

Q: Are you ever going to settle down?

A: Speaking of getting down, I’m doing an archeological dig at the Olduvai Gorge this summer. It’s a cool new mix of travel and archeology, I’ll email you info if you’re interested!

(Image credit: Jessica Isaac)

Q: Are you two ever going to tie the knot?

A: Did you know that the most useful knot on a sailboat is the bowline knot?

Q: So any wedding bells on the horizon?

A: I wonder what the horizons look like on the newly discovered planet with three suns…

Q: Have you lost weight?

A: I feel great!

Q: How much weight have you lost?

A: I feel great!

Q: You look different. Did you change your hair? Color your hair? Do something to your face?

A: I feel great!

(Image credit: Emma Fiala)

Q: Are you really going to eat that?

A: Yep!

Q: Looks like someone put on a few pounds, eh?

A: Tell me about it, the squirrels in this area are so plump.

Q: How’s everything with *your partner* or *your personal situation,* I heard about *the tough, deeply personal news that somehow spread through the family gossip mill.*

A: I’m hanging in there. How are YOU doing?

Q: Haven’t you found a job yet?

A: Not yet. So how are YOU doing?

Q: So you’re still living there?

A: Yep. So how are YOU doing?

(Image credit: Denise Fink)

Q: Any plans for a baby?

A: I’ve tried making baby plans but they’re so wishy-washy.

Q: When are you having a baby?

A: You’ll be the first to know.

Q: When are you having another baby?

A: It’s gonna be a minute.

Q: So you’re really okay just living together?

A: Bless your heart.

What are some of your favorite comebacks for nosy questions?