How to Be a Good Thanksgiving Host to Guests with Disabilities

The host of Thanksgiving dinner has a notoriously challenging job—second, of course, to the turkey. They are the director of an intricate stage show, where relations between guests often form their own storylines and the feast is cast behind a curtain of nostalgia. In the midst of it all, the host’s job can be summarized in one task: Meet expectations. 

But what if a guest has a disability? To a non-disabled host with other non-disabled guests, accommodating these needs can present a possible change to shared expectations. It’s customary to turn on a football game, bake an extra dessert, or orchestrate small talk so that able-bodied guests can be at ease. But doing the same for disabled guests—aka one in four Americans, so very likely one of your guests—might be viewed as too mysterious, too difficult, or too awkward to write into this choreographed show. How can a dining room be accessible and pretty? Is it possible to omit an ingredient and still have a dish taste good? Where should this guest even sit??

While disabled needs may not be as familiar as non-disabled needs, they’re not “special”—they’re just needs. Meeting them is nothing more than being a gracious host, and doing so shows other guests that all are welcome at a table meant to signify good will. I was born with cerebral palsy, and Thanksgiving has always been a big family affair. My parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, and uncles reliably take turns holding my plate around the buffet line, and then pour my drink as I settle into a designated corner seat. It’s a “no worries” routine we’ve played out over decades, a fortunate dance that new members learn as they join in our festivities.

In order to provide an outline of what disabled guests may ask of a host and others on Thanksgiving, here are 15 examples of how to make this an accessible holiday based on the invitation, setting, food, and conversation. The best way to approach a specific disabled guest is to ask privately, “So, how can I help?” It shows that you’re a host who is casual, open, and ready to listen. Read on for some ideas to get the conversation started.

“As a host, discuss access needs with everyone and not just the guests who you know are disabled. That signals to your disabled guests that you’re proactively trying to include them, and signals to non-disabled guests that this is a routine part of T-day planning rather than meeting ‘special needs.’” —Jules, Oregon 

“I have Larsen syndrome and I’m a wheelchair user, and I’m lucky that the family members I’ll be visiting for Thanksgiving have a fully accessible house. It has multiple entrances with no stairs, and it’s wide open and spacious. The bathroom was designed with me in mind, so there’s a roll-in shower, grab rails, a lower toilet, and a sink I can get under. Obviously, I know that’s not the case for every home that will be hosting. The best way to accommodate disabled guests in cases like these is to ask them how you can accommodate them. Don’t avoid inviting them or disinvite them because you’re concerned about access. Find a way to work together to figure it out. If the toilet paper or towels in your bathroom are in difficult-to-reach places, ask your guest where you can leave them so they can reach more easily. Consider the layout of the furniture in the rooms where you’ll be hosting. If things are cramped, try to move pieces or readjust to open up space.” —Emily Ladau, West Babylon, NY

“I have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome and I’m autistic. One accommodation that makes gatherings accessible to me is having a conversation about transportation access early on. Because of my EDS symptoms, I often can’t drive—especially long distances, at night, or on days when I’m in a lot of pain (which is most common in the winter when a lot of holiday gatherings are). It’s life-changing when my friends and family plan around this with me, like offering carpools or a plan to sleepover.” —Alaina Lavoie, Boston, MA

“Please understand that even though I am sitting in a wheelchair all day, I do not like to remain in it all day. It’s uncomfortable. Please put out a chair for me. At the very least, allow me to retreat to a bedroom, if it’s on the same level in your home, so I may get out of my chair, relieve any pressure, and stretch. Also, there’s a good chance I won’t be able to use your bathroom, so please let me know in advance where the nearest pharmacy is. If there isn’t one nearby, please don’t question why I’m not eating or drinking as much as other guests.” —Tiara M., California

“I have neurological disorders that cause weakness, pain, and temporary paralysis in my legs, and I use different types of mobility aids. It’s important that I have a comfortable place to sit or rest that still lets me be a part of the conversation. It helps me to enjoy my time and not feel isolated from the group. This is especially important if the location is not wheelchair accessible.” —Katie Thompson, Charleston, SC 

“I have rheumatoid arthritis, and many people are surprised to learn that I have this at 27. I guess that we often conflate the word ‘arthritis’ with ‘grandma’s sore knee,’ whereas rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune condition. At food time, if you’ve had a cold, don’t sit next to me. I can pick up any infection easily, and I don’t have a full immune system to fight it off. Please, no hugs or kisses, either! I’ve also noticed that I will sometimes have hot flashes while eating. If I quickly excuse myself from the table and I’m gone for a few minutes, don’t worry about it. I know that you mean well, but I have this down to a T. Most of the time, you checking on me just adds additional stress for both of us, and takes away from your warm dinner! I’ll be back.” —Dannica, East Lansing, Michigan

“I have chronic knee problems as well as a generalized anxiety disorder. This is specific, but offering heating devices—like blankets, hand warmers, and heating pads—is very helpful if you expect a guest to sit for long periods of time when it’s cold out. I’ve been extremely uncomfortable and in pain from sitting for too long on more than one occasion. It’s a hard sensation to explain, but it feels almost like my joints are itchy, and I have to move them to make the itching stop. But having heating devices would keep my joints from stiffening in this way, allowing me to enjoy the evening with others.” —Ada McVean, Montreal, Quebec, Canada

“I’m blind, but just because I can’t see a plate doesn’t mean I’m unable to pass it to the person next to me. Rather than attempt an awkward plate pass, simply let me know that a plate is being passed to me, possibly with some additional direction about where the plate is in relation to me. So, ‘reach forward’ or ‘reach up’ are good indicators. If there is a buffet, I can likely serve myself, but feel free to ask if I need any help. Also, it would be helpful if you tell me what is available on the buffet, so that I can make my own food choices.” —Steve Sawczyn, Richfield, MN

“I live with chronic migraines, epilepsy, PTSD, and fibromyalgia (though the latter is in the process of being officially diagnosed). When dealing with dining at a holiday gathering, I have to think carefully. I have an extreme MSG sensitivity. This includes secondary ingredients that have MSG in them, such as yeast extract. If it’s possible for the host to go over ingredients with me before or during the gathering, this is a great way to make sure that I can eat safely. If it’s not possible, then the host should let me pick and choose what I can eat without pressure. Saying something like, ‘A little bit won’t hurt’ or trying to guilt me into trying a casserole isn’t helpful. Also, nausea makes eating a chore. Allowing me to potentially take food home for later relieves any of the panic I’d feel at not being able to finish my plate while everyone else is eating.” —Layla Chantell, Wheeling, WV

“We all love holiday food, but for those with dietary needs or aversions, eating away from home can be a stressful event. My husband and I have a routine whenever we are out with our son, who has autism: One stays with him, the other scans the food being offered. In addition, we usually have backup food that we keep with us while traveling. While holiday spreads are often full of treats and foods that are out of the ordinary, having some familiar food is so helpful. It can be as easy as a plate of cheese and crackers or a fruit salad. My sister once called ahead to ask what types of foods would be best, and took the time to make something special. This was completely unexpected, but this simple gesture reduced so much stress for us.” —Valerie George, Green Bay, WI

“I only have one arm. Any buffet-style serving situation is complicated because safely holding my plate and serving myself is tough. Even serving at the table is complicated, because I can’t hold bowls or platters and serve myself at the same time. A host can make Thanksgiving dinner more accessible to me by not overfilling the buffet line, but leaving space for me to put my plate down as I serve myself. Also, if it is a buffet, leaving the utensils and napkins on the table is helpful.” —Sharlee Blackwell, Salem, OR

“As someone who is partially deaf in my left ear and fully deaf in my right ear, where I’m seated at a dining table is very important to me so I can comfortably engage in conversation with everyone at the table. For me, that means sitting on the far right side of a table, usually at the corner end. This is so I don’t have someone sitting directly next to me on my right side, the side where I can’t hear at all. Otherwise, it can be quite difficult to feel comfortable to speak up during conversation or even if someone asks if I could please pass the stuffing. I always appreciate when the host uses name cards that dictate where people sit so it can be one less thing for me to worry about. Beyond seating, the only other ‘big’ thing is to keep music at a low volume to help reduce the distraction of trying to discern multiple sounds and voices at once.” —Alex B., New York, NY  

“The whole ‘no politics’ rule should be applied to people’s medical history, including mental and physical health. There’s nothing worse than an uncle asking you if you’re still depressed when you’re just trying to eat your turkey. Double that for asking, ‘What’s the name of that thing you have again, with your joints?’ Or anything of the sort. It’s not fun to recount your medical history or the specificities of your limitations over and over again. If I want to discuss it, I’ll bring it up. Otherwise, there are a million other subjects to discuss.” —Jack Staier, Massachusetts 

“Due to post-concussion syndrome and chronic pain, I have limits for how long I can tolerate noise, lights, concentrating, and sitting. It helps if there are breaks between courses or a casual atmosphere so that I can move around or take a break by myself in a predetermined room. It’s a relief when the host and guests are understanding about me coming and going from the meal and conversation.” —Laura Pringle, Calgary, Alberta, Canada

“I’m a person who stutters, and big family gatherings are always really tense for me. Trying to make myself heard and the stress of speaking is… a lot. The best way to accommodate my needs is to just give me the space and time to finish what I’m trying to say. I know people’s first instinct is to try to break the silence and keep the conversation moving, but it’s incredibly discouraging and feels like what I’m saying doesn’t matter as much as how I’m saying it. People need to have more patience, even if that means sitting in some awkwardness. I will eventually say what I need to say.” —Erin Williams, Los Angeles, California