I Couldn’t Wait to Move in with My Partner — But My Disordered Eating Made It Nerve-Racking

The day my now-husband and I moved in together, I waded through the sea of boxes searching for a way to instantly make our new apartment feel like home. I could sense the anxiety kicking in as I watched our lives quite literally combine. What if we run out of things to talk about day after day? What if I never get better at compromising? How am I supposed to eat in front of him every day? 

I was eager to merge my life with my partner, but I dragged my feet on choosing our new apartment; I was anxious about losing my privacy after years of living alone. Moving in together meant less opportunity for my “secret single behaviors,” the Sex and the City-famed notion that many women have a habit or quality that they’d never let their partner witness. For Charlotte, it was staring at her pores in a magnifying mirror. For me, it was my less-than-stellar relationship with food, which I tried to hide from my partner as much as possible. 

I’ve often thought about how much brain space I could free up if I didn’t wish for a different body every hour. By the time I met my partner, I had been stuck in a shame cycle for 15 years — eating instead of feeling my feelings and then doing anything I could to counteract it. I knew I had a variation of an eating disorder, but it was less painful to dismiss it as a bad habit and move on. Sharing an apartment with someone would force me to acknowledge that my disordered eating went far beyond just a “secret single behavior.”

Moving in with my partner inevitably put the issue under a microscope, as I had less room to isolate when I was feeling distressed over my body image or engaging in disordered eating. Sarah Davis, a licensed psychotherapist and Certified Eating Disorders Specialist (CEDS), finds that many of her patients are not fully open with their partners about their struggles prior to moving in, as they are worried their partners may be turned off or begin monitoring them. “Eating disorders are based in shame — they thrive in it,” Davis says. “The more people react to that shame by not talking to their partner about it, the more we’re enabling the eating disorder.”

In retrospect, I wish I had been more vulnerable with my partner sooner. Instead, I waited until he left our apartment to eat certain foods, made up excuses to eat my meals in a separate room, and panicked when he would bring “trigger” foods home. 

I found the constant conversations about what food to buy, what to cook, when to eat — all par for the course when moving in with someone — incredibly stressful. I avoided foods I deemed “bad” for fear of not being able to control myself, while my partner was comfortable eating anything in moderation. Making these joint food decisions every day was exhausting and it was difficult to explain why.

I realized I was prioritizing my disordered eating behaviors over communicating with my partner, and I knew I needed to face how I was affecting myself and my relationship. With the encouragement of a therapist, I started telling my partner when I was experiencing negative thoughts about my body, and I began eating foods I had deemed off-limits in front of him. Slowly, food began to feel like it had less control over my life.

Davis believes romantic partners can be a great resource in the treatment process if they learn how to be an effective support system. To help facilitate these conversations, she often suggests people bring their partner to a session so the patient can communicate what they need from their partner throughout their recovery.

“People with eating disorders can have difficulty being assertive or expressing their boundaries, which is critical in a relationship, especially when you’re living together,” Davis says. “Living with a partner can encourage people with eating disorders to practice identifying and expressing their needs, which can help with recovery.” 

My partner and I both worked from home in our small apartment, rarely going more than an hour without seeing each other. The lack of space pushed us to be more vocal about what we wanted from the relationship — if an issue festered, it affected every aspect of our lives. Knowing that I could say how I felt and my partner would still be there tomorrow helped me to open up about painful topics.

Even with a solid support system, the intrusive thoughts that fuel negative body image can be overwhelming. Kristine Flanigan, Psy.D., a registered Psychological Associate with Eating Disorder Therapy Los Angeles, recommends employing a Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skill called “Wise Mind” to reframe harmful thoughts.

“We all have a logical mind that is rooted in facts and an emotional mind that is more reactive. Somewhere in the middle is the ‘Wise Mind,’” Flanigan says. “If you’re struggling with negative thoughts about body image and your romantic relationship, it helps to say ‘yes, this is really bothering me,’ while also acknowledging that ‘I know this relationship is not rooted in body image, it’s about our personal connection.’ Looking at the negative thought from a different perspective can help find neutrality instead of staying in a negative space.”

In the spirit of neutrality, I’ve accepted that I’m doing my best to manage my disordered eating, but it remains a struggle. At home, I’ve stopped mindlessly scrolling social media accounts before bed that promote extreme lifestyle regimens and I’ve worked to expand the range of foods I keep at the apartment. My main priority, though, is simply being honest about my experiences with my husband.

The first night we moved in together, we lay in bed getting used to the clangs and whirs of the apartment. I remember him making sure we took a minute to appreciate what we had just accomplished together. 

Years after we first turned the key to our apartment, the two of us still aim to nurture a physical space where we can be fully ourselves. The same apartment where I’ve struggled with body image issues is also the one where we dance together, plan our once-in-a-lifetime trips, and host our loved ones. We will have so many life-changing moments ahead of us as a couple, and there will always be time to pause and take it all in.

If you (or someone you know) are struggling with mental health and need support, visit one of the following websites below or call any of their helplines:

• For any life-threatening situations, call 911
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988
• ANAD Helpline
• National Alliance for Eating Disorders Helpline
• Diabulimia Helpline
• National Eating Disorders Association
• F.E.A.S.T

This story is part of If These Walls Could Talk, a new series that explores the private, relatable, and sometimes surprising ways people live their lives inside their home’s four walls.