I Tried “Sleep Divorcing” My Husband for a Week — And It Didn’t Go as Planned

The older I get, the more I value a good night’s sleep, and regret not prioritizing rest in my 20s and 30s. Back then I could fully function on practically no sleep and wait days to play catch up. Now, at 41, the quality of my day is directly related to how well I slept the night before. Getting six solid hours of sleep a night is my goal, and if I hit seven or eight, I’m practically invincible — that is, of course, as long as my sleep is uninterrupted. 

These days, going to bed is easy, but staying asleep is a little harder, mostly because, well, there’s kind of a lot going on in our bed. My husband snores (loudly) most nights, especially after a heavy workout, and we’re both what you might call “wild” and “hot” sleepers who toss and turn all night long while also waking up spontaneously pretty sweaty with two of our body parts stuck together. And did I mention there are also two small dogs hogging — I mean sleeping at — the foot of our bed, too?

Even though we’re now sleeping on a new queen-size mattress that is more comfortable and supportive than any we’ve ever owned, there are still plenty of nights where we both just don’t sleep very well. Recently, I read about “sleep divorces,” which are when you and your partner willingly sleep apart in separate beds at night to improve both of your sleep health.

Intrigued, we decided to give one a try for a week, and the outcome was nothing I could have expected.

For our first-ever “sleep divorce,” we came up with a set of agreed-upon terms. We would sleep separately for seven nights consecutively, taking turns between who slept in the primary bedroom and who spent the night in our guest bedroom. Each night, after we said goodnight, we agreed to fully commit and spend the entire night in separate beds — no exception — and not disturb each other if one of us wakes up in the middle of the night. Each morning, we took notes on how we slept, or didn’t, and shared them over coffee as we started our day.

Night one of our sleep divorce was very interesting. We both fell asleep about 20-30 minutes faster than we usually do and slept for much longer straight periods of time. I think it would have gone even better if our new sleeping arrangements hadn’t completely disrupted our little dogs’ nightly routine. Forced to choose between which of us to sleep with, both dogs were restless and a little anxious and made a lot of noise going back and forth between our rooms throughout the night. At one point, their activity woke us both up, with one of them even barking continuously as if to herd us back to bed.

By nights two and three, our dogs had gotten used to the new flow and chosen their respective corners, but by night four things got a little weird for the adults in the house. My husband fell asleep faster but woke up multiple times throughout the night worried about me and missing me. At first, he ignored the urge to wake me, too, and instead says he just snuck into the guestroom to check on me.

It was harder for him to go back to sleep and he said something just felt “off” being in bed alone without me. He suspected that feeling was what kept waking him at night. But by night five, my husband decided he’d sleep better if we were actually reunited and I woke up to find him lying next to me in the guest bed — in a deep sleep. He wasn’t alone; I missed him, too. While I didn’t wake up throughout the night feeling like there was something (or someone) missing, I did have a lot more trouble falling asleep — one night it took me almost an hour to go down. Something was definitely off for me, too. I think I felt my family’s absence.

Needless to say, we never made it to night six or seven. We tried to stick with it, but the truth is, we’ve been together for 20 years and we’re stuck in our ways — we just missed each other, and our nightly bedtime routine, more than we miss getting a few extra hours of quality sleep. 

At night we break a lot of sleep health “rules” before bed. We watch a little television, swap memes and laughs from our social feeds from the day, and sometimes fall asleep with the TV or bedside lamp still on. Sometimes we’re even talking when we really should be resting, but we always have a good time doing it. This nightly togetherness is part of how we wind down as a couple and our regular routine.

What we realized after our sleep divorce is that by depriving ourselves of those little moments before bed, we’re also losing some of the intimacy that helps us feel connected, and that keeps us — and our dogs — up at night way more than a little caffeine, blue light or noise pollution.

Did we sleep better apart? Sort of. Was the juice worth the squeeze? Not a chance.