This Is the Rudest Thing You Can Do While Hosting a Dinner

I’ve worked as a food and cocktail writer for decades, which means I’ve attended a lot of dinner parties. Through my work, I know that a whole lot of thought and planning goes into these parties, whether they are elaborate meals or more intimate, casual get-togethers — and it shows. I am never going to stop loving a beautiful meal, that is even more beautifully plated, or wine and cocktails that are perfectly paired.

When it comes to entertaining in my own home, though, I see things as a little different than at a more formal event or occasion. What makes these experiences the most special isn’t the menu or the cocktails — it’s the intimacy of the occasion and the time you spend together. There’s one hosting habit that drives me absolutely wild: when people invite me over, and then spend the entire evening in the kitchen cooking instead of actually spending time with their guests. I totally get the intention here for a showstopper meal, and I know my hosts are going through all sorts of trouble to make it happen. But if I’ve come over to see you, and you’re spending the entire evening over the stove, it begins to feel like there’s no reason for me to be there in the first place.

A good dinner party feels personal and intimate. When someone invites me to their home, I’m not looking for the same sort of experience I’d expect at a restaurant or in an event space. I’m there to spend time with that person. Maybe over delicious food, our favorite wine, or a great martini. But it’s about something bigger than that. When a host spends most of the evening cooking, I have to admit it leaves me feeling a little awkward. Should I offer to help? Should I sit around making conversation with strangers or people I may barely know while the person we actually came to see is busy in another room? Do I awkwardly hover in the kitchen, hoping it’s helpful and not just getting in the way? 

But there’s another issue here: When the host is stressed, the guests can feel it. It’s hard to sit down and enjoy a meal knowing the person who prepared it is in the kitchen stressing, and isn’t really enjoying the evening themselves. I’ve attended plenty of dinner parties over the years where the food was absolutely great, but what I remember most wasn’t the food on the menu — it was the great conversations we had and memories we made that night. No amount of caviar and truffles can ever change that. Of course, I get that there are some layers here. I totally am going to step away to finish a dish at some point, too. Last year, I hosted Friendsgiving for 10 friends and I excused myself to the kitchen several times. But for a few minutes here and there, not for two hours. Much of the prep and cooking happened before a single guest arrived.

I’m a big believer in doing as much preparation as possible before the first guest arrives. I’ll always set the table, prepare the cocktail garnishes, chill the drinks, and get the serving pieces ready. If I’m making cocktails, batching them in advance saves some time and avoids spending the entire evening playing bartender. Or, I chill a few bottles of wine and let people serve themselves. Once everyone gets there, you can pour a drink, sit down, and actually enjoy the conversation. And that’s the whole reason why everyone is there, as far as I’m concerned.

If I’m cooking, I make something I can fully prepare ahead of time, like a baked pasta, casserole, or stew. I’ll let people graze upon arrival with a cheese and fruit board, as that can be pre-prepped and doesn’t require last-minute attention. And yes, as a food writer, I do think it’s OK — even preferred at times — to order takeout for your dinner party in order to spend more time with your guests. A good dinner party is about everyone having a good time, including you.

As someone who genuinely loves cooking, if you must cook, it should be a part of the gathering, rather than something that takes just you, the host, away from it. If you’re going to spend the night in the kitchen, make that part of the activity, such as assembling pizzas together. Still, consider this: I would much rather eat delivery pizza on someone’s couch while we laugh and catch up than sit through a fancy five-course dinner where my friend is too busy cooking to participate. Ultimately, when I come to your home, I’m not there to review your restaurant. I do that at work. I’m there to spend time with you.

People don’t come over because they expect perfection. They come over because they want to be with you. As long as you can remember that, I’m all about coming to your holiday party this season.