How I Found My Way to a New “Me” After Leaving an Abusive Marriage

Content warning: The content in this story discusses domestic violence and suicide. If you are experiencing domestic violence or struggling with any mental health concerns, please take a look at our resources section below and seek help from a professional healthcare provider.

My ex-husband could be the dearest man, until he wasn’t. “I am worried for your safety,” said my soon-to-be therapist during our 2016 intake consultation. I thought she was overreacting. I thought my then-husband would never hurt me — but he did well before ever lifting a finger. The final time that I fled the house, I sought refuge at a nearby friend’s home. Later, he was arrested for domestic violence and was permanently removed from my home.

The divorce was finalized in 2019, after costly months of negotiations. Then, in 2023, my ex-husband took his own life. My grief has been so strange. While I’m not legally a widow, the loneliness similarly resonates. Someone asked shortly after I learned of this tragedy, “How could you grieve someone you hated?” I didn’t hate him. I feared him. Luckily, I now can remember the good times, the love that we once shared — and I work tirelessly to avoid letting the abuse define me. 

I am in such a better place now, thanks to my therapist and a supportive network of family and friends. But it took a lot of work to get here. It’s an unfortunate reality that survivors often have to start over again. I ended up having to sell the home we lived in (because banks weren’t willing to finance my buy-out of his portion of the settlement), which was devastating at first. But anything that I had dreamed of about that place was tainted by the abuse, never to be remedied. So I opted to move back to my hometown to be near my parents (and hid for the first year or so out of fear he’d find me). Since then I’ve moved a couple of times, and as I began to embrace midlife as a single woman I discovered six things that helped me feel more connected to the new “me” — and my new home. 

In many ways, I’m grateful that healing will always be part of my life’s story, and I cherish the volumes of journals that I’ve kept through the years. So before I left my ex-husband, during many of his fits of active abuse, I’d say that I was on a writing deadline. Instead, I was documenting what he was saying and doing in real time.

This proved invaluable during his arrest and divorce proceedings, but also when I was tempted to excuse everything with an altered reality. The documentation authenticated my experience in a very real way. 

And there’s science behind the connection our brains make with the action of handwriting over the click of a keyboard — especially for clarity and retention in this instance, as reported by The National Library of Medicine. That’s why the nicest journal and pen that you can afford can help track your progress in a tangible way while honoring your feelings. Feelings that can manifest into serious health issues if left unchecked. I developed a nervous stomach over time that eventually manifested as a Complex PTSD diagnosis resulting from years of walking on eggshells.

Even after my divorce had been finalized for more than a year, many of my things remained in boxes at my new home while I slept on an air mattress. It wasn’t because I was lazy or lacked the means to fully settle into my space. I now know that walking out of such trauma takes time, and that taking that time was arguably therapeutic while I was in that liminal space.

But as early 2020 rolled around, panic buying of toilet paper made the news. This particular pandemic ration emboldened me with laughter as I clicked “buy now” for my first bidet. While others were perfecting their sourdough recipes, I was finally unpacking boxes and hanging artwork on the walls. It was funny to me that such a simple attachment could have me singing “Take The Power Back” as I installed my first bidet in under 10 minutes. 

My favorite household appliance now takes its rightful place on every toilet in my home, and is my preferred gift to give if I know the recipient doesn’t have a bidet. I consider it a gift of peace. 

Anxiety and depression can rear its ugly head with survivors at any given time. I’m living proof that the proper medication is essential. But I also find that its benefits are only enhanced with complementary healing modalities such as aromatherapy, which I have long revered. 

I’ve always loved a drop or two of lavender in the bath for relaxation. Rose is a go-to for my aging skin these days. And sandalwood permeates my living space on the regular, as it’s believed to attract abundance while regulating the nervous system. In the early days post-divorce, my home was as fragrant as the cedar thickets up the hill from my home in the country. Leaning in on my Native American heritage, I thought of the cedar that my ancestors once used to smudge negative energy. It evoked a sense of grounding and strength. Even today, if I’m feeling anxious or out of balance, or just need a boost of positivity, I reach for my favorite cedar incense. 

In the words of Truvy Jones, “I don’t know how you’re doing on the inside, honey, but your hair’s just holding up beautiful.” If this moment in cinematic history doesn’t ring a bell, allow a Southern Gen Xer to lead you to the path of enlightenment. 

I’m a true believer in the motto “If you look good, you’ll feel good.” But with grief, regardless of its origin, some days are spent in bed. I’ve learned to be OK with that. Within reason, it’s part of the process. 

One afternoon as I laid there doom scrolling, I discovered a hair tutorial about the benefits of wearing a bonnet at night. My hair had become an absolute mess. So I tried the bonnet, but never could sleep through the night wearing one. Considering my skin was also angry from all that crying, I opted for mulberry silk pillowcases. They’re great for my hair, much like a bonnet, without feeling like my head was in a tourniquet while also preventing extra fine lines and acne.  

Some claim that the silk offers microbial benefits, while others say these factors are minimized during the manufacturing process. But I stand firm in my opinion that the indulgence is well worth the price.  

Early in our marriage, my ex-husband would wipe my kisses from his face. He vowed it was only because of my lipstick, but ridiculed me anytime I reached for a brow pencil, pressed powder, and the like. I would later learn this sort of humiliation is straight from an abuser’s playbook. But, at the time, I saw the au-naturel route as the easiest way to marital bliss. 

When I was finally ready for my post-divorce glow-up, I wanted to have fun with my new and improved reflection. But I had no idea what the latest beauty trends were, and I definitely didn’t have an infinite supply of disposable income for trial and error. A friend suggested I try a monthly beauty subscription, as she was always passing along samples from hers.

So I signed up for IPSY as an affordable way to discover what products and methods worked best for me. That little pink envelope on my doorstep each month was a small-yet-powerful act of self-love.

As a child, I often would throw my arms around myself while rocking side to side and saying, “I love myself.” It was something I would come to know as somatic bodywork, or as some describe as “working on issues in the tissues.” 

Ever heard the saying “Dance like no one’s watching?” Yeah, that’s me every day. I’m a sucker for a good cold plunge or ice pack to the chest for my parasympathetic nervous system. But it can also be as simple as getting up from my desk for a walk (while listening to a guided meditation) when I start to feel my shoulders tense, getting a massage and paying attention to my pain points, or taking a yoga class focusing on breath work. The main thing to remember is the mindfulness part. 

Whatever you want to call it, I’m currently working out a “grief knot” in my shoulder with movement, massage, and meditation. It’s a new opportunity to reflect on that kid who loved herself so much. She still does.  

For any life-threatening situations, call 911. If you (or someone you know) are experiencing domestic violence or struggling with mental health and need support, visit one of the following websites below or call any of their helplines:

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
• National Alliance on Mental Illness: 800-950-6264
• Hopeline: 800-442-4673
• Safe Horizon: 1-800-621-4673
• National Resource Center on Domestic Violence: 1-800-799-7233
• Administration for Children & Families: 1-800-799-7233
• Disaster Distress Helpline: 1-800-985-5990