9 Things You Can Say When You Need to Cancel Plans, According to Etiquette Experts

Sometimes, canceling plans is a necessity, whether you need some last-minute alone time or something more urgent comes up. While bailing on a coffee date, birthday party, or wedding is hard enough, knowing how to cancel plans politely can feel complicated and riddled with anxiety as you navigate telling someone you can’t make it after all.

Whether you’re playing host and have to cancel or just need to bow out for reasons you’d rather not discuss, here are nine instances where Apartment Therapy’s experts can help you decide how to cancel plans gracefully. 

When something comes up that conflicts with prearranged plans, reach out by voice (aka a phone call) or in person to break your plans. Don’t just shoot off a text that can get overlooked. If you have to leave a voicemail, always ask for confirmation of receipt as a considerate gesture.

In your call or visit, Seattle-based etiquette expert and manners coach Jennifer Porter suggests being straightforward but brief. “Express your disappointment over having to break plans and, most importantly, offer an alternative day or two. This shows the person that you do want to get together and respect them enough to put in the effort for a reschedule,” she says.

If you’ve ever finished up with work and had an all-encompassing desire to camp out on the couch, you know how tempting it can be to back out of your dinner plans. But before you bail, do a little self-questioning. “When I feel this way, I first ask myself how I’ll feel after having gone. If I’m under the weather, then perhaps I’ll feel worse, but if it’s a momentary feeling of ennui, then chances are I’ll feel better for having gone and made the effort,” Porter says.

And about that lump in your stomach? It’s a natural feeling, which has the person you’re canceling on at its heart. “We worry about disappointing others,” says communication coach Raele Altano. “We also may not know what to say, which adds to the challenge.” Altano also says that fear of getting backlash or causing a misunderstanding can also add to the anxiety of canceling plans.

The key to canceling plans at the last minute (which Porter defines as less than a couple of hours before the event) is ensuring the other person receives your cancellation before the event. She recommends following the same steps you would in other scenarios — calling rather than texting, expressing remorse, and offering alternative dates — and then confirming that they received your message. 

If someone else purchased a ticket for an event you can no longer attend, always offer to reimburse the friend or colleague for the cost. If that’s out of the question, Porter suggests sending a bottle of wine or other sweet gesture to the venue if you can’t attend. It’s also polite to do this as soon as you find out you can’t go so that maybe your friend can find a replacement in a pinch. 

It’s hard to imagine the stress of canceling an event at the last minute when you’re the host, but life happens, and so do busted plans. “When this happens, reach out quickly by Evite or the original way you sent the invite and update on that channel, then start calling and texting your guests to tell them the news,” says Porter. “Be brief, and try to offer a rescheduled date when you make contact.”

There may be times when you just don’t feel like getting into an explanation, or you’re simply not ready to talk about it. Often, people feel compelled to explain their situation whether or not they’re ready because they believe it will relieve the sense of guilt that can come with inconveniencing someone with broken plans. But you never owe anyone an explanation you’re not comfortable sharing.

Rather than ruminating on the reason, Porter says you can simply share that you’re very sorry to have to cancel and that something has come up that requires your immediate attention. “If you’d like, you can let the party know that you would love to share more when the time is right,” she says. “Doing this gives those with whom you’re canceling plans the feeling that you trust them and will share when the time is right.”

If you promised to attend a wedding, graduation, or bachelorette getaway, canceling at the last minute can cause heartache for both you and the honoree. Situations like these call for expert consultation on how to cancel plans while maintaining a healthy relationship. “What makes these events especially tough to cancel on is their significance and the time and cost involved in planning them,” Altano says. 

According to Altano, the best approach is to make a phone call or visit your loved one in person. “Though it might feel scarier, it is the more heartfelt option, and the significance of the event warrants such communication,” she says. It’s also essential to express how distraught you are over being unable to attend and offer to make it up later by taking them out to celebrate or hosting a small event in their honor, if appropriate.

Although each of our experts stress the importance of being personal with your cancellation, it’s also true that many people cancel via text, even if it’s not always the most appropriate way. “Canceling plans through text is getting to be common practice, most especially with a not-so-formal engagement,” says counselor and therapist Niloufar Esmaeilpour. In those cases, she says, “It is important to be polite and concise.”

Esmaeilpour recommends starting off by the text by expressing your regret and sharing your reasoning for not attending if you’re comfortable doing so. She also stresses sending the message as early as you can, which can show respect for that person’s time and allow them to adjust their schedule accordingly.

The realization that you missed an event and neglected to notify the host can leave a pit in your stomach — and rightfully so. “No-showing to an event you planned on being present for is never good etiquette, but sometimes things happen,” Altano says. Depending on the event’s significance, she advises asking for a phone call or meeting in person. 

“Apologize for missing the event, share some brief context as to what happened, and state that you know it is not an excuse for not letting the person know you needed to cancel,” she adds. Altano also notes to give the person time to process your apology and cool off. Allowing them the space to give into their natural feelings while being understanding will speak volumes.

Finally, remember that if a crisis is causing you to break a date — or what led you to search for “how to cancel plans” — most people will understand and want to help. “I encourage people to ask for help when they need it. This is the heart and soul behind good manners and genuine courtesy,” Porter says.